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A Mothers Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625097" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Terry. </p><p></p><p>I don't know how to address what you said, but I wanted to post anyway and let you know that I am reading along.</p><p></p><p>I DO understand how we can intellectually get something, and still can't own it or practice it (read: me and radical acceptance). </p><p></p><p>Guilt. I hear so many people talk about it. I am not aware of having guilt about difficult child. Maybe I do and I just don't see it. </p><p></p><p>I have felt shame. Shame when everybody else talks about how great their adult kids are doing. I try to take up all of the time talking about easy child and trail off about difficult child, hoping nobody will notice.</p><p></p><p>I have felt anger, fear, despair, hopelessness, resentment, deep pain, hope, a separateness, an emptiness....what else? </p><p></p><p>I don't know if it's because I already knew a lot about addiction from living with and divorcing a recovering alcoholic. I used to stay up at night, sometimes all night long, reading and reading and reading about addiction. If I could just understand it. Then I could do something about it. So I thought.</p><p></p><p>I did that for about 2 years before I asked my ex-husband, who had at that time been in recovery for year, for a separation. </p><p></p><p>I get the physiology of addiction. I get the brain chemistry part. It's not something anybody did or caused or triggered by their inaction or action. </p><p></p><p>Oh, Terry, if we were that powerful? If something we did or didn't do would have made this happen, then we could unmake it. We are not that powerful. It's not in our realm to have that kind of power. </p><p></p><p>It also may be that my brother who is 50 years old, and an alcoholic, is also parented by the two great people who raised me. Have they enabled him? Yes they have. Has that contributed to the fact that he today lives at home with them and is not the fully functioning person they and I would hope he would be. Yes, possibly. Did they cause this or in some way make it happen? No. Absolutely not. If they had stopped enabling a long time ago, would things be different? Ah, now THAT is the $64,000 question. </p><p></p><p>Terry, there is just no way to know. </p><p></p><p>It is what it is. They are doing the best they can and that is what they have always done. They are in no way to blame for this situation, I don't believe. My brother has the genetic makeup of an alcoholic and at some point, a long, long time ago, the trigger that started his disease was tripped. Never to be untripped again. </p><p></p><p>How can you deal with your guilt? I think dealing with it may come with working your own program of recovery, of hearing all of the experience, strength and hope of so many people who are living the same lives we are living. Did they cause it either? I think not. </p><p></p><p>We aren't perfect. We weren't perfect moms. We made mistakes. But we didn't cause this. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and prayers and blessings that you find peace this week. It's not your fault.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625097, member: 17542"] Oh Terry. I don't know how to address what you said, but I wanted to post anyway and let you know that I am reading along. I DO understand how we can intellectually get something, and still can't own it or practice it (read: me and radical acceptance). Guilt. I hear so many people talk about it. I am not aware of having guilt about difficult child. Maybe I do and I just don't see it. I have felt shame. Shame when everybody else talks about how great their adult kids are doing. I try to take up all of the time talking about easy child and trail off about difficult child, hoping nobody will notice. I have felt anger, fear, despair, hopelessness, resentment, deep pain, hope, a separateness, an emptiness....what else? I don't know if it's because I already knew a lot about addiction from living with and divorcing a recovering alcoholic. I used to stay up at night, sometimes all night long, reading and reading and reading about addiction. If I could just understand it. Then I could do something about it. So I thought. I did that for about 2 years before I asked my ex-husband, who had at that time been in recovery for year, for a separation. I get the physiology of addiction. I get the brain chemistry part. It's not something anybody did or caused or triggered by their inaction or action. Oh, Terry, if we were that powerful? If something we did or didn't do would have made this happen, then we could unmake it. We are not that powerful. It's not in our realm to have that kind of power. It also may be that my brother who is 50 years old, and an alcoholic, is also parented by the two great people who raised me. Have they enabled him? Yes they have. Has that contributed to the fact that he today lives at home with them and is not the fully functioning person they and I would hope he would be. Yes, possibly. Did they cause this or in some way make it happen? No. Absolutely not. If they had stopped enabling a long time ago, would things be different? Ah, now THAT is the $64,000 question. Terry, there is just no way to know. It is what it is. They are doing the best they can and that is what they have always done. They are in no way to blame for this situation, I don't believe. My brother has the genetic makeup of an alcoholic and at some point, a long, long time ago, the trigger that started his disease was tripped. Never to be untripped again. How can you deal with your guilt? I think dealing with it may come with working your own program of recovery, of hearing all of the experience, strength and hope of so many people who are living the same lives we are living. Did they cause it either? I think not. We aren't perfect. We weren't perfect moms. We made mistakes. But we didn't cause this. Hugs and prayers and blessings that you find peace this week. It's not your fault. [/QUOTE]
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