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A Mothers Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 625201" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Terry, guilt is a powerful emotion made all the more dramatic when we feel it around our children, who for whatever reason, we often believe we have complete responsibility for, even when they are adults. Added to that are societal beliefs which place much of the burden of our kids choices squarely on the shoulders of mothers. I remember reading years ago an article by Erma Bombeck where she said, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." And, it is.</p><p></p><p>For some of us, I think there is more going on then guilt, guilt is the emotion one feels when you believe you did something wrong, however, shame is the sense that YOU ARE inherently wrong, that there is something wrong with YOU. Shame is a deep feeling often brought on by our own belief in our unworthiness. If you are interested, Brene Brown has TED talks on Youtube on shame and vulnerability which are wonderful. Also, any of her books, including <u>Daring Greatly</u>, are terrific to learn more about shame. She is a researcher, a social worker and a great lecturer who hits the nails right on the head. You may find her helpful in your quest to to rid yourself of the guilt and love and accept yourself.</p><p></p><p>My journey with my difficult child has prompted me to deal with my own issues, to put myself first and make ME the priority. It's certainly easy to put all of our focus on our difficult child's because generally speaking, they use up all the air in the room with their dramatic lives..........leaving little room for us and our needs. After awhile that becomes our life, and little by little, over a long period of time, we lose track of who we are and what brings us joy. For me, the way to get through all of that was to get as much support as I possibly could so I could learn how to do exactly what you are asking about, to love and accept myself. Therapy and a therapist run support group helped me a lot. Attending CoDa 12 steps groups and posting here on this forum helped me to begin to see that what was happening was NOT my fault. And, to learn how to forgive myself for all real and imagined wrongdoings, to let go of guilt, to detach not only from my daughter's choices and lifestyle, but to learn to see what my attachments were in the rest of my life so I could address them and learn how to detach from them. I had to walk out of the FOG which is created by conflicting thoughts and beliefs about enabling versus loving kindness when dealing with my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>For me it was steps which lead to a deeper understanding of what having compassion for myself really means. It's been a long journey for me, it didn't start with my difficult child, my connection with my difficult child pushed me into a greater recognition of the places within me which required work to learn how to love and accept myself. I believe loving oneself is the most important lesson we can learn because out of loving ourself, we are in a much better position within ourselves to make healthy choices about acceptance of the things we can't control which then frees us up to feel a deep and peaceful joy in living.</p><p></p><p>Make an intention to love and accept yourself. Make that your priority. When you do, you'll find, as I did, that opportunities to learn, to grow, to change and to heal will be available to you. Take them. Get support for the changes. Read books. Every single day, do kind and loving things for yourself, put all that focus you once had on your daughter, onto you. Ask yourself what it is you need and want and then go after those things. You matter and you deserve to have the life you've imagined. You deserve to have peace and to live joyfully. Remember, whatever we settle for is what we end up living. Don't settle. Grab that life you want. Start today. I'm right there with you supporting you...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 625201, member: 13542"] Terry, guilt is a powerful emotion made all the more dramatic when we feel it around our children, who for whatever reason, we often believe we have complete responsibility for, even when they are adults. Added to that are societal beliefs which place much of the burden of our kids choices squarely on the shoulders of mothers. I remember reading years ago an article by Erma Bombeck where she said, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." And, it is. For some of us, I think there is more going on then guilt, guilt is the emotion one feels when you believe you did something wrong, however, shame is the sense that YOU ARE inherently wrong, that there is something wrong with YOU. Shame is a deep feeling often brought on by our own belief in our unworthiness. If you are interested, Brene Brown has TED talks on Youtube on shame and vulnerability which are wonderful. Also, any of her books, including [U]Daring Greatly[/U], are terrific to learn more about shame. She is a researcher, a social worker and a great lecturer who hits the nails right on the head. You may find her helpful in your quest to to rid yourself of the guilt and love and accept yourself. My journey with my difficult child has prompted me to deal with my own issues, to put myself first and make ME the priority. It's certainly easy to put all of our focus on our difficult child's because generally speaking, they use up all the air in the room with their dramatic lives..........leaving little room for us and our needs. After awhile that becomes our life, and little by little, over a long period of time, we lose track of who we are and what brings us joy. For me, the way to get through all of that was to get as much support as I possibly could so I could learn how to do exactly what you are asking about, to love and accept myself. Therapy and a therapist run support group helped me a lot. Attending CoDa 12 steps groups and posting here on this forum helped me to begin to see that what was happening was NOT my fault. And, to learn how to forgive myself for all real and imagined wrongdoings, to let go of guilt, to detach not only from my daughter's choices and lifestyle, but to learn to see what my attachments were in the rest of my life so I could address them and learn how to detach from them. I had to walk out of the FOG which is created by conflicting thoughts and beliefs about enabling versus loving kindness when dealing with my difficult child. For me it was steps which lead to a deeper understanding of what having compassion for myself really means. It's been a long journey for me, it didn't start with my difficult child, my connection with my difficult child pushed me into a greater recognition of the places within me which required work to learn how to love and accept myself. I believe loving oneself is the most important lesson we can learn because out of loving ourself, we are in a much better position within ourselves to make healthy choices about acceptance of the things we can't control which then frees us up to feel a deep and peaceful joy in living. Make an intention to love and accept yourself. Make that your priority. When you do, you'll find, as I did, that opportunities to learn, to grow, to change and to heal will be available to you. Take them. Get support for the changes. Read books. Every single day, do kind and loving things for yourself, put all that focus you once had on your daughter, onto you. Ask yourself what it is you need and want and then go after those things. You matter and you deserve to have the life you've imagined. You deserve to have peace and to live joyfully. Remember, whatever we settle for is what we end up living. Don't settle. Grab that life you want. Start today. I'm right there with you supporting you........... [/QUOTE]
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