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A Mothers Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625202" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I agree with everything MWM said on the above thread. I started thinking about this thread this morning after I posted, on the way back from exercise. </p><p></p><p>I started wondering why I used to be a huge worrywart, and finally stopped. But I don't recognize any guilt about my parenting.</p><p>Are there similarities with these two things? </p><p></p><p>Here is some interesting reading about guilt:</p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_137.html" target="_blank"></a></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_137.html" target="_blank">http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_137.html</a></p><p>And then some about worrying: </p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html" target="_blank">http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html </a></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html" target="_blank"></a></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html" target="_blank">"People who can't tolerate uncertainty--and who</a></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html" target="_blank">insist that the world be the way they want it to be--are likely to be</a></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html" target="_blank">worriers." Wow, that definitely used to be me. </a></p><p>According to the authors here, there is a common thread with worry and guilt and that common thread is perfectionism. The authors say that some guilt and some worry is normal and even healthy. These emotions alert us to problems that we need to recognize and correct.</p><p></p><p>Guilt over eating too much candy. We knew we shouldn't eat it, but we did anyway, and now our system is giving us a warning---guilt. They say the same with normal worrying. </p><p></p><p>But then there is the abnormal worrying and the abnormal guilt, and that is rooted in perfectionism. I think this is worth thinking about. </p><p></p><p>I believe I used to be right there with worry. In fact, one time my dear mother gave me a small embroidered pillow and a brass stand to sit it on: "Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse." That is how much I used to worry. I had that pillow and stand for a long, long time. </p><p></p><p>My worrying was rooted in my perfectionism. And the fact that I couldn't live with life on life's terms. I couldn't accept things the way they are. I couldn't accept uncertainty. I wanted things to be perfect. I wanted the Ozzie and Harriet life. And by Golly, I was going to force it, dragging everybody kicking and screaming into perfection. I wanted the Cinderella story. (lol). </p><p></p><p>I still can't accept a lot of those things and I am working hard on them. I don't worry anymore and I don't feel guilt about my parenting. I am a very good mother. I have been a very good mother. My biggest faults have been trying to overcontrol, manage, fix and having very high expectations of people---myself and my children and other people that i love. Perhaps they feel they will never please me. Perhaps they feel like there's no point in even trying. I am wrong about those feelings, actions and behaviors. </p><p></p><p>I want to let it all go. I am working hard on letting everything go. Letting all of that just float away. Accepting. That is what I am working toward. </p><p></p><p>I did those things, but I still didn't cause this. I am just not that powerful. That rings true for me, accepting my own limits and as RE says on another thread, loving myself anyway. Having compassion for myself. I have that today. </p><p></p><p>I have made progress, but there is still more to be made with me. Thank you all for this discussion. It has helped me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625202, member: 17542"] I agree with everything MWM said on the above thread. I started thinking about this thread this morning after I posted, on the way back from exercise. I started wondering why I used to be a huge worrywart, and finally stopped. But I don't recognize any guilt about my parenting. Are there similarities with these two things? Here is some interesting reading about guilt: [URL='http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_137.html'] http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_137.html[/URL] And then some about worrying: [URL='http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html']http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_130.html "People who can't tolerate uncertainty--and who insist that the world be the way they want it to be--are likely to be worriers." Wow, that definitely used to be me. [/URL] According to the authors here, there is a common thread with worry and guilt and that common thread is perfectionism. The authors say that some guilt and some worry is normal and even healthy. These emotions alert us to problems that we need to recognize and correct. Guilt over eating too much candy. We knew we shouldn't eat it, but we did anyway, and now our system is giving us a warning---guilt. They say the same with normal worrying. But then there is the abnormal worrying and the abnormal guilt, and that is rooted in perfectionism. I think this is worth thinking about. I believe I used to be right there with worry. In fact, one time my dear mother gave me a small embroidered pillow and a brass stand to sit it on: "Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse." That is how much I used to worry. I had that pillow and stand for a long, long time. My worrying was rooted in my perfectionism. And the fact that I couldn't live with life on life's terms. I couldn't accept things the way they are. I couldn't accept uncertainty. I wanted things to be perfect. I wanted the Ozzie and Harriet life. And by Golly, I was going to force it, dragging everybody kicking and screaming into perfection. I wanted the Cinderella story. (lol). I still can't accept a lot of those things and I am working hard on them. I don't worry anymore and I don't feel guilt about my parenting. I am a very good mother. I have been a very good mother. My biggest faults have been trying to overcontrol, manage, fix and having very high expectations of people---myself and my children and other people that i love. Perhaps they feel they will never please me. Perhaps they feel like there's no point in even trying. I am wrong about those feelings, actions and behaviors. I want to let it all go. I am working hard on letting everything go. Letting all of that just float away. Accepting. That is what I am working toward. I did those things, but I still didn't cause this. I am just not that powerful. That rings true for me, accepting my own limits and as RE says on another thread, loving myself anyway. Having compassion for myself. I have that today. I have made progress, but there is still more to be made with me. Thank you all for this discussion. It has helped me. [/QUOTE]
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