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A Mothers Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 625317" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>There is nothing, no rule you could have given him, that would have changed his path.</p><p></p><p>Often we forget that they have many more influences than us. Peers become more important than us at around fourteen. Also, the personality of the particular child kicks in...they are not all alike. </p><p></p><p>Since many of my friends went the drug route, although I did not, and they all came from upper class, educated good homes and I was often the only friend they had that their parents liked, I had no illusions that a good home life and good parents meant kids who were successful. Nor did bad parenting mean the child would not succeed. There are not rules, like in math, such as one plus one will equal two. If we tried as hard as we could, we should feel proud of ourselves, regardless of the results. And we are allowed to have made mistakes because every parent on earth does. </p><p></p><p>I saw my friends from school giving in to negative peer pressure. It started, in my friends cases, with smoking cigarettes. They thought it was cool and desperately wanted to be included or popular. I was the only nons-smoker amongst my friends. Then the pot, then the other stuff. My stubborn "you can't tell me what I have to do" personality helped me A LOT during my teen years as I did not care if I "fit in". I wanted to be unique and myself. My friends were more concerned with popularity, friends, and many were risk taker personalities, which is a big factor. I was scared. They were excited by doing scary things. How does a parent control THAT? It is inborn. It has nothing to do with videogames or rules at home or whether we are successful in our parenting. It is a personality trait and a risk taker will do more on-the-edge behaviors than a kid who is not willing to take a risk or who has the inborn capacity to think of the consequences in advance, and I personally don't believe you can teach that to a child who is more impulsive.</p><p></p><p>I think of my two girls. Julie wanted to be popular and was shy, but she was also not afraid of things. So she got involved with drugs. Jumper is very practical and forward thinking and logical. To her it's just dumb to get into trouble and break the law and ruin your future. Two girls brought up in the same house and, trust me, they did not have parents who were risk takers. </p><p></p><p>We are being very shortsighted if we think our children's lives were just about us. </p><p></p><p>Guilt does not help our children, but they can use that emotion to retard their own growth. If they can just make us feel guilty enough, they may be able to get a lot of money out of us. They know full well how much we love them and how much they will always be our babies, whether they are 18, 25, 35 or 45. The question we need to ask ourselves is do we want our 35 year old or 45 year old to still be our baby? Do we want to support that adult forever? Do we want to leave this earth knowing the adult child can not take care of himself without us. </p><p></p><p>in my opinion we should feel guilty more if we support our 25 plus adults than if we let them play videogames. But that is just my own personal take on things. I know why Julie took drugs and feel I made some big mistakes that caused her to feel she had to do it, however does that also mean I get credit that she quit?</p><p></p><p>I do not feel guilty about 36. He was like this since toddlerhood and we did all we could to get him help and he is still struggling. Sometimes I wonder why I gave birth to a child, knowing all the crapola that was on my family tree. That's the extent of it. </p><p></p><p>I mean, how far back do we have to go?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 625317, member: 1550"] There is nothing, no rule you could have given him, that would have changed his path. Often we forget that they have many more influences than us. Peers become more important than us at around fourteen. Also, the personality of the particular child kicks in...they are not all alike. Since many of my friends went the drug route, although I did not, and they all came from upper class, educated good homes and I was often the only friend they had that their parents liked, I had no illusions that a good home life and good parents meant kids who were successful. Nor did bad parenting mean the child would not succeed. There are not rules, like in math, such as one plus one will equal two. If we tried as hard as we could, we should feel proud of ourselves, regardless of the results. And we are allowed to have made mistakes because every parent on earth does. I saw my friends from school giving in to negative peer pressure. It started, in my friends cases, with smoking cigarettes. They thought it was cool and desperately wanted to be included or popular. I was the only nons-smoker amongst my friends. Then the pot, then the other stuff. My stubborn "you can't tell me what I have to do" personality helped me A LOT during my teen years as I did not care if I "fit in". I wanted to be unique and myself. My friends were more concerned with popularity, friends, and many were risk taker personalities, which is a big factor. I was scared. They were excited by doing scary things. How does a parent control THAT? It is inborn. It has nothing to do with videogames or rules at home or whether we are successful in our parenting. It is a personality trait and a risk taker will do more on-the-edge behaviors than a kid who is not willing to take a risk or who has the inborn capacity to think of the consequences in advance, and I personally don't believe you can teach that to a child who is more impulsive. I think of my two girls. Julie wanted to be popular and was shy, but she was also not afraid of things. So she got involved with drugs. Jumper is very practical and forward thinking and logical. To her it's just dumb to get into trouble and break the law and ruin your future. Two girls brought up in the same house and, trust me, they did not have parents who were risk takers. We are being very shortsighted if we think our children's lives were just about us. Guilt does not help our children, but they can use that emotion to retard their own growth. If they can just make us feel guilty enough, they may be able to get a lot of money out of us. They know full well how much we love them and how much they will always be our babies, whether they are 18, 25, 35 or 45. The question we need to ask ourselves is do we want our 35 year old or 45 year old to still be our baby? Do we want to support that adult forever? Do we want to leave this earth knowing the adult child can not take care of himself without us. in my opinion we should feel guilty more if we support our 25 plus adults than if we let them play videogames. But that is just my own personal take on things. I know why Julie took drugs and feel I made some big mistakes that caused her to feel she had to do it, however does that also mean I get credit that she quit? I do not feel guilty about 36. He was like this since toddlerhood and we did all we could to get him help and he is still struggling. Sometimes I wonder why I gave birth to a child, knowing all the crapola that was on my family tree. That's the extent of it. I mean, how far back do we have to go? [/QUOTE]
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