Woke up in the middle of a dream. I thought difficult child was in trouble. It was really scary. I checked my phone and saw him a note from him pop on Facebook. I started to read it. It was wonderful...he was remorseful...atoning....he got it, he really got it. I was having trouble reading it on my phone so I walked to the desktop to pull it up. Trouble was, that was when I really woke up. So excited, I reached over to grab the iPad to read what difficult child wrote and I realized I had been dreaming. A dream within a dream. I didn't realize I was holding onto so much hope for him. I thought I had pretty much resigned myself to bad outcomes. But my heart is breaking. I miss the person he once was. I still cry several times a day. As for today, I haven't heard from difficult child since he sent the texts Wednesday that sounded a bit like he might want to kill himself. Still using his phone off and on so he is okay. He is supposed to come over sometime tomorrow to use computer. I am not calling him to set it up. (Don't dial pain) We'll see... He has court Tuesday night - DUI trial. Looks like if the dashcam show it was a bad arrest, then he will get off. If not, then he is guilty. If he is guilty then I don't know how he will be able to get auto insurance unless he stays on my policy. My agent showed me a bill someone like difficult child had - $7500 a year for basic insurance. Then again, if you don't have a car, you don't need insurance. And without a car, jobs are harder. Life is harder. This is the kid who has told me for a couple of years that he could be homeless. I respond, "yeah, right." I'm afraid he is intent upon proving his point. I have to remember that I cannot control that nor did I cause it. So, for today, I choose to take care of my business - to take care of me. But I'll pray (often) that difficult child chooses to take care of himself....as I pray the same for all our difficult children.