A positive update.............without the board curse please!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Mar 7, 2013.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I have been hesitant to report anything as I hung on that precipice between 'other shoes dropping'................and being on firm ground of sorts............however, things have been quiet and uneventful, what I have learned over the years to hope for.

    Things have not gotten any better for my difficult child, however they have not gotten any worse either. I have learned to accept where she is to a degree where it doesn't (usually) impact my every day life. I've been able to clearly see when she manipulates me and I've responded very differently so the manipulations have ceased. There seems to be an empty space between us right now that neither of us really knows how to fill. We've had the same script for her whole life so without it there is only emptiness. I'm okay with that because I believe that empty space is where something new can come about. It may or may not, but at least the opening is there for it.

    I've now had the time to look at other things, my about to be 17 year old granddaughter looking at colleges, she will be a senior next year. There is so much joy around all of this for her, an exciting time which I realize I missed with my difficult child because she blew down to L.A. 3 months before she graduated from HS because she was "tired of school." She was an honors student, all A's, one of many bad decisions she would make. But as this time rolls around for my granddaughter, I see how much fun it is to listen to her talk of her plans, to be a part of her excitement and all those wonderful brand new feelings. I am so happy to be a part of this. I feel as if I am getting a second chance to be a Mom to a young woman about to embark on the very beginning of adulthood. Sometimes it just brings a tear to my eye, to see the woman she is becoming, in spite of all the hardships she's been through.

    And, SO and I are still planning trips, planning on moving to Kauai once our granddaughter is safely tucked away.......we see more and more freedoms available to us as she grows and matures. She is already planning vacations with her friends who are excited to be able to go to Hawaii and stay with us!! She has it all planned out! We are taking a road trip in June, the 3 of us and then perhaps SO and I going to see friends in NYC in the Fall.

    For the first time in many, many years, I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whatever happens with my difficult child will happen regardless of any worry or fear I go through or don't go through, so I've opted out of that whole drama. She may go further down the rabbit hole, I don't know, but if/when that happens, I'll deal with it then. Right now I'm busy feeling a lot of gratitude for the peace I'm feeling, no more time for suffering..........

    In the meantime I'm learning how to NAP! I've never done that, just that little thing, a nap, but it means so much because one has to be relaxed and peaceful to nap, not out of sheer exhaustion, but just because there is nothing to do right now and I feel cozy and safe. Sigh. This is very good.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I cant wait to feel that relaxation. I think I am still so angry and so ready for the BS to hit the wall that I can't relax. Plus I am downright sad about the loss of being a part of difficult child's senior year and all the good stuff. It doesn't help that I am basically losing my parents right along with her.

    Maybe some day soon things will relax and look up. You give me hope!
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    "I feel as if I am getting a second chance to be a Mom to a young woman about to embark on the very beginning of adulthood."


    Priceless. :fingerscrossed:
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What an upbeat and hopeful post RE. Wow retiring to Hawaii..now that is a plan to really be excited about. Enjoy the college visits, it is so much fun. We had a great time visiting colleges with easy child and I am so glad I had that experience because we didn't have it with difficult child either. I remember walking those campuses and looking at the dorm rooms wishing I could do it all over again and so excited that easy child would get a chance to experience it.

    Thank you for sharing such positive news with us.
  6. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Wow, RE, so feeling every single great word you're saying!

    I had the identical experience with my daughter easy child when she was getting ready to go off to college last fall. My second son (also a easy child more or less) has been staying home and commuting to college, so this was the first "genuine" "off to college" experience we ever had. My difficult child had gone off to college also, in 2008, but wanted nothing to do with us or our help or input or anything. He packed his bag, got on the train and left. We never went to a parents' meeting or orientation, never heard one word about classes or activities, and of course he was way too cool to participate in anything at all. To this day, I've never seen a grade, heard about a class, anything. What a contrast, to actually be involved in a child's life!

    I never realized how much fun "the college thing" could be until last summer. It was great! Enjoy it but try and resist the temptation to buy everything on the college list!
  7. RE - What a beautiful post. I am so happy for your granddaughter and for you and SO that you get the opportunity to share in this wonderful experience.

    And retiring to Hawaii - what's not to love about that??!! :)
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Brings back memories! What an exciting time for you and your grandaughter! Glad you are in a state of mind we all strive to be in...
  9. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member


  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So happy for you RE!
  11. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

  12. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    That is wonderful news! I am so happy for you and your granddaughter. You both deserve to be happy.
    (((huggs and blessings)))
  13. Payla

    Payla New Member

    I am so happy for you. You have done as my therapist says "the hard work" to be where you are. I understand how difficult this process is and I admire You and take inspiration from you. I am still early in the journey and have some very tough days but I will keep fighting the fight. difficult child is in second week at sober house, doesn't have a job yet and still calls me for help BUT seeing a therapist and going to twelve step meetings. That is progress for him.
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I'm so happy for you and glad you're getting so enjoyment from your granddaughter!
  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for sharing. What a great post.