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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 638886" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You know he is alive. That is a good, good thing. It would be awful if you were hearing nothing at all.</p><p></p><p>Family members are going to be angry for you, and even for themselves. difficult child's actions hurt them, too. Initially, everyone who loves both you and difficult child will feel a little sense of ownership. difficult child's actions change who the family is, make the family vulnerable in a new way they did not expect. The aunt loves difficult child. In her heart, if she is a decent person, she wished and expected and believed in better for difficult child than this, and she is angry at the hurt of what is happening, not just to difficult child, but for the vulnerability it opens for the family identity.</p><p></p><p>"This sort of thing just doesn't happen in our family." becomes "It happened to us."</p><p></p><p>And that's a scary thing.</p><p></p><p>Plus she hurts for you.</p><p></p><p>And the kind of vulnerability that opens us to is a bitter pill to swallow.</p><p></p><p>It was and still is, for me.</p><p></p><p>I resent it, too.</p><p></p><p>But we need to take ourselves in hand as best we can. Focus tightly on your original purpose, which was to know whether your son was still alive and well.</p><p></p><p>He is.</p><p></p><p>You did the right thing in discussing it with the aunt.</p><p></p><p>Let it go.</p><p></p><p>Hold an intention now of letting go of the pain and the shame. You know your purpose, and you know what matters. You may have an ally in the aunt or you may not. Only time will tell you that. Until you know, believe for the best because it is the right thing, to do that.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for the hurt of it, Albatross.</p><p></p><p>It has been helpful to me to try to be aware of when I am leveling an emotional judgment. If I am experiencing strong feelings, I get it now that those feelings are a kind of circle between judgment and justification.</p><p></p><p>I get caught in it sometimes, but that stuff leads nowhere. The conclusions we will draw through that process are like something a little dictator on a throne would conclude. Whatever we need to protect will be protected, and whatever it is we need to believe will be validated...and none of it will hold water over time.</p><p></p><p>I know where I want to be emotionally. I slip into guilt, or I slip into rage and resentment, or I slide into self pity sometimes, but sooner or later I remember that I know where I want to be, emotionally. </p><p></p><p>Then, it is just a matter of cutting through the hurt and the confusing carp and the defensiveness to get there.</p><p></p><p>I can do that.</p><p></p><p>It helps me to remember that it is the situation ~ however it came to be and no one really knows how that happened ~ that is bad. It is not you who is bad, it is not the aunt, it is not difficult child or even the chippie whore hobo.</p><p></p><p>Er, I meant the lady hobo.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 638886, member: 17461"] You know he is alive. That is a good, good thing. It would be awful if you were hearing nothing at all. Family members are going to be angry for you, and even for themselves. difficult child's actions hurt them, too. Initially, everyone who loves both you and difficult child will feel a little sense of ownership. difficult child's actions change who the family is, make the family vulnerable in a new way they did not expect. The aunt loves difficult child. In her heart, if she is a decent person, she wished and expected and believed in better for difficult child than this, and she is angry at the hurt of what is happening, not just to difficult child, but for the vulnerability it opens for the family identity. "This sort of thing just doesn't happen in our family." becomes "It happened to us." And that's a scary thing. Plus she hurts for you. And the kind of vulnerability that opens us to is a bitter pill to swallow. It was and still is, for me. I resent it, too. But we need to take ourselves in hand as best we can. Focus tightly on your original purpose, which was to know whether your son was still alive and well. He is. You did the right thing in discussing it with the aunt. Let it go. Hold an intention now of letting go of the pain and the shame. You know your purpose, and you know what matters. You may have an ally in the aunt or you may not. Only time will tell you that. Until you know, believe for the best because it is the right thing, to do that. I'm sorry for the hurt of it, Albatross. It has been helpful to me to try to be aware of when I am leveling an emotional judgment. If I am experiencing strong feelings, I get it now that those feelings are a kind of circle between judgment and justification. I get caught in it sometimes, but that stuff leads nowhere. The conclusions we will draw through that process are like something a little dictator on a throne would conclude. Whatever we need to protect will be protected, and whatever it is we need to believe will be validated...and none of it will hold water over time. I know where I want to be emotionally. I slip into guilt, or I slip into rage and resentment, or I slide into self pity sometimes, but sooner or later I remember that I know where I want to be, emotionally. Then, it is just a matter of cutting through the hurt and the confusing carp and the defensiveness to get there. I can do that. It helps me to remember that it is the situation ~ however it came to be and no one really knows how that happened ~ that is bad. It is not you who is bad, it is not the aunt, it is not difficult child or even the chippie whore hobo. Er, I meant the lady hobo. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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