a smaal upate My difficult child still in Canada with her internet boyfriend

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rabbit, Jul 7, 2013.

  1. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    As most of u know difficult child 3 went to Canada to meet and spend some time with her internet boyfriend. After a week in a hotel with she was supposed to come home. She had an airplane ticket.She missed her plane on purpose and told me She was coming home on the12th. They checked out and went to his mothers house to stay in her basement. i have seen no proof of the ticket home. She skypes every night.
    She wants money. She will need money to catch a cab to the airport. If She returns She is talking about going back. I think no money no skype. Anyway thats the update. Hugs Rabbit
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    That has to be scary. How far away from you is she in miles?

    Scary as it is though, I'd be hesitant to offer any more money given she just blew off her ticket home. I'm not even sure I'd offer another ticket at this point.

    But then I also don't have that kind of money to just toss out the window either.........that makes such decisions a bit easier to make.

    Maybe you could save back the money you'd send her for a return ticket once you're sure she is certain she wants to return home for good?

    Her having a long distance relationship is all fine and good. She is an adult, it is her choice........foolish or not how she's chosen to go about it. It isn't your responsibility to finance such a relationship, whether you approve of the boyfriend or not.

    Still, I can imagine how worried you must be.

  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a difficult position for you to be in Rabbit. As difficult as it is, I agree with you. She got herself into this, she will require her own resources to find her way out. It seems if you make it easy for her, she will only return to him, but if she has to stay there until she can find a way to return, the relationship may come to it's natural end as they both have to look reality straight in the eye in his mother's basement. That can't be quite as romantic as a hotel and having some cash.
  4. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    I think it is about 500 miles . Its a 2 hr plane ride and a 10hr car trip and a 12hr train trip. Thanks for your support!!!!! If I do give her money it will not be that much and close to Friday the date she supposedly changed the return ticket to.(Just enough to get a cab to the airport) Hugs Rabbit
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sure that a church or other charity would get her to the airport. Someone will eventually figure out she's not Canadian & send her home. She has it in her power to make it happen. I hope she will figure it out soon.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Witz...I was thinking that too. I dont think Canada wants our difficult child's anymore than we want other people's though we seem far more apt to take them.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I think we take about as many as you do, from the rest of the world.

    Between Canada and the US... either direction, we're officially allowed to be a "visitor" for up to six months. husband and I could - if we wanted to - spend 6 months touring around the US, and it wouldn't be any problem. So, Rabbit's difficult child won't even be noticed in Canada... she's "just another American visitor".

    Wanting to STAY is a different challenge - on either side of the border. A job, or even student status, requires paperwork that you can't get from "this" side - you have to be on your "home" side to apply. Social services and other such benefits? not a hope... no way she can claim refugee status, being from the US.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Rabbit, I have to ask...what was your agreement with difficult child when she went to Canada? And if I may also ask, who paid for the airline tickets?

    And one more question?

    How is it that the male difficult child has been spending time with does not have money for cabfare to the airport? Alternatively, if they are staying with the mother, has she refused to bring difficult child to the airport?

    I think I would contact cab companies in her area, explain the situation, and try to pay the cab company directly for the ride to the airport with a credit card or something. Can you do that, I wonder? You would have to pay ahead of time, and when difficult child was ready, she could call for the ride.

    If it were my difficult child, this would be the opening gambit to more money for living expenses (now that the initial trip has been extended.) Then, it would be money to help with household

    Please keep us posted, Rabbit.

  9. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    difficult child 3 paid for the airfare and hotel with her own money. Had she come home when she was supposed to she would have been fine. She even paid 300 to change to a later flight. Canada difficult child does not work or go to school. Supposedly he is going to college in August. Supposedly Canada difficult children mom does not drive. InsaneCdn , I think if she stays longer than this Friday After 6 months ,They will get married. Barbra I think difficult child 3 was contributing to their household at first . I can not prove it and it will be interesting to see if things change if I do not send money. Lately I think but I can not be sure she will come back- work and go back at Christmas.
    I can not be sure. Thanks for the support . I really do appreciate it. Hugs Rabbit
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is it possible at all she has really met a nice guy? Any grain of hope there at all? Odder things have happened...lol. Sometimes nice guys do come in very odd looking packages too. Eddie Haskell looked like mother's dream but he really wasnt and some of the most awful looking guys are teddy bears.
  11. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    yes he could be a nice guy. Its possible
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    She can't get married there and stay in Canada. She has to apply for permanent residency papers FIRST. Not having a job etc. makes that harder to get.
    Being a difficult child, I'm certain she has no idea about how all the cross-border stuff works.
    I have friends and relatives who have done it... and even marrying across our mutually-friendly border is not easy!
  13. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Good to know they have no idea. They think they can marry there tomorrow. Thanks for the information.
  14. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    The city she is in, does it start with the letter T? If yes, I used to live there and have many friends there still. Good, kind, caring people. If she ends up in a mess, shoot me a private message. Also, if she is in that particular city, public transit is only a few dollars a ride. It goes to the airport.
  15. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Thanks Mattsmom! I sent u a pm. They were in that city for the first week in a hotel but have moved to another city now. She will fly out of there if She comes home on Friday. I do not know if it is wishful thinking or not; ;;but I think She will come home on Friday because her money has run out. Thanks everyone for your support. I am a mess over this situation. In some ways it was a typical young adult thing to do-wanting to spread her wings. In other ways impulsively getting on a plane and spending a week honeymooning with a stranger in a hotel. Then missing your plane going to another city to his mom's house and running out of money. I think these actions are actions of a difficult child. Also Canada difficult child lives in his moms basement not attending school or working. Anyway thanks for the friendship and support! Hugs Rabbit
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Rabbit, when you feel that mom guilt over not fixing up a plane ticket or sending money for cab fair or whatever else may crop up.........and trust me, you will feel it.........

    Remember, difficult child learning how to get herself out of a bad situation she has gotten herself into is a very critical life lesson. It also lessens the chance of her making such a rash decision in the future. Doesn't mean she'll come out of this a easy child but she will be a bit wiser for it.

    I am praying for her and for you. I know this has got to be hard on you. But 500 miles is truly not that far. She could come by car if necessary.

  17. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Thanks Hound! Thanks again everyone! Your support and friendship means a lot!
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Honestly, don't fork over money to a 19 year old. If he is the nicest guy ever, they have to figure things out for themselves, don't make them dependent on you. I would only pay for the cab fare and a ticket home because I would be worried and I am sure that you are.
  19. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    You've gotten excellent advice! Your daughter is 19 and made some big decisions. I think you are very wise to come here for support while you allow your daughter to learn and grow. As a mom, it kills us not to make everything okay for our kids. Your daughter will be a better person for figuring this out for herself.

    Your post about your daughter reminded me of a "learning experience" I had when I was about her age.
    I was in no way a difficult child. I married young at 19 yrs. old and my husband and I moved moved to California from small town Kansas. Our first year there was financially very difficult for us. I remember tax time came around and we owed what seemed to be a small fortune. We didn't have the money to pay our taxes and we were very afraid of the I.R.S. so I called my parents and asked for a loan. I was raised to be a responsible hard worker. I was taught that I would be responsible for my actions good and bad. Calling and asking for a loan was the last thing I wanted to do, but I felt I had no other choice. My mother told me no! Not in a mean, uncaring way, but in a factual way. She told me sorry, they didn't have that kind of cash sitting around. I can remember being SO, SO shocked and terribly hurt, that my own mother would not help us out! I honestly think I was in a little bit of shock with that realization too. lol Guess what? My husband and I figured a way to pay what we owed AND more importantly, we learned that we had to figure our lives out, nobody was going to rescue us. What a valuable life lesson my parents allowed us to learn!
  20. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    difficult child 3 is home. I ended up giving her 25 dollars to get to the airport. Thanks again everyone!