A small bit of news

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child will be in psychiatric hospital at least until early next week. They include an educational component, unlike the acute psychiatric hospital he's been in before. I find it intereesting that PO said he didn't need to be in a psychiatric hospital and would not be going, yet judge felt difficult child needed to be evaluation'd, man at detention home was very concerned, difficult child was tdo'd the same day and I wasn't even there during the decision making- it was all based on the mental health evl'er after talking to difficult child- although I did tell her some things he had been saying and medications he had just switched around, and he is being kept. So why is it that PO is supoosed to be the one telling me what to do, like my desicions are bad ones and her's are better ones?

    I am really struggling with this adamant feeling and thoughts that difficult child cannot come home if PO and her super are involved in our lives. I know he shouldn't be home right now due to his/our/home issues, and I am in agreement right now. But I also feelo like as long as we have a PO involved who tries to tell me how to run my household, ignore the mental health compononet, undermines my parental decisions, seems more interested in causing stress than reducing it, says I'm noncompliant if I don't tell her everything then makes poor decisions/orders when I do, and has a super who might be even worse about it, the stress level would remain very high and difficult child and I both have difficulty feeling like we are living under an axe all the time.

    But I feel guilty feeling like I would be choosing to send my son someplace else rather than have PO in our lives. But then again, I honestly believe that she would back off him and whoever he was living with, if it just wasn't me. Then he would do so much better. I know people would see that as proof that I was the cause of the problem, but I'd just have to live with that, it is more importatn for difficult child to live in peace, with hope that he can turn things around and get off probation. And I absolutely have to get control of my house back. When people see this so out of control and assume it's because I let difficult child take over things at home, then order more demands at home, I am sitting here looking at it like it is all the outside demands telling me how to run my household while having to revolve some things around difficult child's mood cycling (like when I can sleep and work), and the stress because I can't do it all, that has left me feeling like I have no control in my house. I'm thinking that if they'd all take some of these demands and stressors a way for a bit, I could get it back in order.

    It's ok- I'm waiting for BBK to send me directions to a place where I can feel less stress. (See WC)
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, how stressful. I know how it feels to be in the middle of something and not be able to see it from the outside. I don't know what to say ... except that you do need a break. Funny, sometimes I feel like I have no control and I'm dealing with-my husband! We do work at odds sometimes.
    I will check the WC.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your concern about PO. The thing is ,with this hospitalzation being ordered through the court, it's no longer your word about difficult child's mental illness. I know it wasn't just "your word" before, it was backed up with psychiatrist, therapist, and psychiatric hospital reports, but still, the information was coming from you. If the PO truly has an issue with you personally, she was probably discounting (dismissing, even) anything that came THROUGH you. Now, the assessment of difficult child's condition is coming directly TO the court from something the judge ordered. I think that is going to make a big difference in the outcome here. In some sense, it's been taken out of the PO's hands. I mean, it all happened despite her protests, right?! So let that be a small comfort to you.

    I think now the key is to be sure the psychiatric hospital knows your feelings about difficult child's safety at home.. and yours.. the fact it isn't safe, that is. YOu have plenty of documentation to back that up, because you've done such a great job of advocating and keeping notes. I think the hospital may end up to be the "inside" advocacy you need.. again, because it was ordered by the court and their recommendations should hold some weight.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I know- you're right. But, PO did have release forms for the private providers. Of course, gal had those 18 mos ago and never called- she just went to court and said what she assumed. I guess the legal people at Department of Juvenile Justice try to keep their info in their own circlees and don't put a lot of effort to converse with or believe people, even profs, outside those circles. And- I guess they'll be happier now if this is state money covering it instead of coming out of any county agency's funding pool. ...SIGH...

    And I'm a little worried because I don't know the "right" level of detachment for us right now. I'm trying to process the knife in my face, still, and have many mixed emotions, being that I'm still his mother, and he's still my son. But. I still see that look in his eyes. Then, I see him bawling. I don't want us "enmeshed", but you know, he's 14yo and I'm not comfortable detaching to the degree that might be healthy for an 18 yo.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2009
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Klmno, has your difficult child ever spoken to you about the knife in your face? I mean, apologized or explained or anthing?
    I've had some traumatic events like that, but I was lucky that my difficult child actually talked to me about them. You know how you can tell when your difficult child is B-S-ing and when he's serious? I had to wait several days until he was totally, totally calmed down, way past the flippant remarks, until he was in a place where he could really, honestly tell me what happened, and be mature enough for it not to happen again. That was a huge healing event for me, and for him.
    I have only had one time recently when I didn't trust him, and that was last wk :( and I slept in the guest rm with-the door locked. As it turned out, I just needed to let him cool off and stay away from him, and get my head in a better place. It's hard not to be paranoid after our kids pull some of these stunts.
    I try not to think "What ifs" like my son's eyes when he's raging, or his crumpled face when he's crying. I just think about myself, about how to do what I am doing, and I pretend there is sort of a floating wall between us, a buffer. I don't know how to explain it. But it works.
    It takes a lot of practice.
    I don't know if that helps.
  6. compassion

    compassion Member

    Klmno, As the mom of unstable bipolar adolsecent, I support you NOT to have him come home. I have been thratned with knives, etc. Safety is vital. You willcontinue to advocate and support him but it is too unsafe. Listen to your heart, build allies with the ones that will listen . I know how gut wrienching i t is. Even with her bting, trying to grab th steering wheel, the mommy heart side goes, oh with in home help I could do it. NOT . Stabilization will take a long time and it will not occur here at our home. Compassion
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    When he did something similar (but not to this degree) before his last psychiatric hospital stay, he was open and honest with them about it at admittance (he basicly admitted himself, but of course, I also signed) and he said he knew it was not normal to do that for cigs, and especially to one's mother. Then, after he'd been in there a few days, he spoke to me privately and said similar things but more specificly and said he didn't what had come over him but he needed to figure it out so it never happened again. This is why I was comfortable working thru things.

    Then, he came home and fell apart the night he was discharged- not agressive- more suicidal. He did this for cigs the other night. It probably was a build-up from anxiety and him believing that cigs were the answer. I know- I feel guilty because he sees me smoke so I'm probably the one who inadvertantly sent him that message. BUT- I wouldn't hold a knife to anyone for them. And, if he is battling that in himself, which I believe he probably is, he needed to learn that he better keep battling it until the sself-control side wins, because I will not allow him to physically intimidate or threaten me or anyone else to get what he wants. It simply will never be acceptable. I cannot let him grow up with that habit.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I doubt they will have coming home as an option anytime soon. I know it isn't an option for 3 weeks. If they let him out of psychiatric hospital before then, he goes back to detention. Fortunately, I think, the psychiatric hospital is going to come up with a recommended "plan" for him and that should supercede the court's typpical punishment for a juvenile with these charges. That should be good because it will encompass both punishment and mental health treatment, if done appropriately.

    My reference to him coming home and living with PO requirements is partly just me trying to reflect on how things got to this point and digest it all and think ahead- like months down the road. This has been going on for 2 years now, so I can only assume, it will last a very long time now.

    I'm a little concerned because I haven't heard from GAL. I left a message for her yesterday and I'm sure someone from the courts also would have notified. Based on my experience with her before, this means she is getting everyone else's side of the story first. So, her mind will be made up before we even talk. Lord, I hope this doesn't end up with her stirring any possiblitity up that difficult child will go live my bro.

    UPDATE: The psychiatric hospital is going to request a commitment hearing for difficult child. This would be a commitment to their place for either 3o days or up to 90 days. That will be thru a court where he is. I will need to be there. This is because since difficult child came from detention, he is not allowed to sign himself in, as he told them he was willing to do. But, they are not allowed to send or recommend Residential Treatment Center (RTC) from their facility. I couldn't believe that. There will be a meeting with their dr's and me and a person froom our mental health here where a "plan" is recommended for difficult child. They will try to keep him in commuunity. I don't know how that works if he's facing court for another charge when he already had a suspended sentence. Why bother if judge is likely to turn him over to state? I guess it can only help though. Anyway, PO will be able to attend that meeting if she wants. I'm glad that they will definitely have someone from our mental health dept there, but I'm still worried because what if it turns out to be someone like that guy running that county meeting? OK, I'll try to have a little faith- this is better than the way things were going. It sounded like the majority of people in the meeting will be from the psychiatric hospital, so that's good- a fresh pair of eyes. Then again, eyes who don't really know difficult child or me.

    If they commit him for 90 days, then he was to come home with adequate supports- not just an in-home therapist to do a behavior contract, they might be worth pursuing. I wonder if this all has to meet PO's approval.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2009
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm thinking more and more that this was a blessing. It took it out of the county's hands, at least temporarily. It got difficult child quick help, and if he needs it, it will be longer than one week. It proved to them that I'm not unwilling to turn him in- I'm not using mental health as an excuse. It let's others verify that difficult child has asked for help and is compliant with it and wants help- he tried to sign himself in. What more do they want to quit blaming me/us and start looking at this as more than a behavior problem? Also, if it leads to getting county funding outside of Department of Juvenile Justice it will help. Apparently, the Department of Juvenile Justice pool money goes for help that is primarilly, if not completely, focused on behavior.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If there is a commitment hearing, I doubt PO will have much to say about it. It will be purely about his psychiatric state of mind. I think this is VERY good news .. next best thing to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Actually it pretty much IS Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... just in a different setting than your "best case" might have been.

    I think the fact they even want a commitment hearing, shows they know how serious they think this is. That isn't done lightly, believe me. This is indeed a blessing, in my opinion.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Very very good!
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I sent you a link to the current law on involuntary commitment of minors in VA, just FYI. Interestingly, one of the pending changes to the law is to allow minors to voluntarily commit themselves while in detention. I may try to follow that one.
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Even a small ray of positive is wonderful. Many hugs and prayers that he will begin getting the help he needs, and the PO is NOT involved at all!
  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I don't really know what to say about the hospitalization or related matters....just glad both you and difficult child are safe for now. (And be sure to use this time to recharge or do whatever you need to do for YOU! He's safe, getting help and you need to enjoy the alone time.)

    As for the PO and other numbnu.....erm....."professionals".....I wonder. Just for example's sake....I wonder what you could find out by asking the right questions (or even by........maybe mentioning things in a conversation) if you, by some remote, bet-it-could-never-happen chance you just HAPPENED to know the wife of an understanding judge. Not that you do or anything...just saying. Because, in a conversation like that, you just might could maybe find out the right people to contact to report any unprofessional, uncaring, I-have-my-own-agenda attitudes by any hypothetical professionals within the juvenile field.


    Hypothetically speaking that is.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks mstang- you know the teacher steers away from conversations like that, and I can understand. BUT, the resource office (cop) at school even told me and difficult child together one day that the PO "is not a very friendly person and don't take it personal- several people know she's that way". Ok. But, for a COP to say that in front of a kid who is on a suspended sentence and that's his PO- this cop knew something. And- he isn't an over-sympathetic cop- he arrested difficult child last year for tearing up a computer. I might speak to the principal and just ask her if she could ask the cop (or the teacher), hypothetically, what would a person do in a situation like this. And, I saw my warrior wife (well, not my wife but my new contact) at the courthouse on Mon and she gave me her card and told her to call. The PO issue is because her super is as bad if not worse. So, I have to get above super's head.

    It amazes me that this all started with a war between me/difficult child and the sd- and there are still tensions there- however, on the level of cm and principal, we are working together and they now see difficult child as a kid with potential and a friendly kid who tries. That has gone a very long way. That is why the sd would not pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or recommend Residential Treatment Center (RTC)- I know that. If they had said difficult child needed it, it would have meant that they can't keep him under control at their school. The principal told me that in all good consciousness, she could not say that. Now, 2 years ago, I was about to take them to due process for a bogus BIP, lieing to me, a bogus manifestation hearing, a home bound teacher lieing, and illegally putting difficult child on a long term suspension.

    Yep, I'm fighting the county one by one.
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    KLMNO, My son's PO was not very up on mental illness and after two years of her bungling his case she finally turned it over to .....The mental helth division of the PO department.
    I didn't even know such a thing exsisted. If I were you I would check to see if there is one in your parole department and if so request that your difficult child's case be transfered into it. They are not more lenient but they are more knowledgeable of what is needed and where to get it. -RM