A Terrible Evening...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yesterday, husband came home for his lunch break and checked his email. One of the messages was from FaceBook. Apparantly "difficult child posted to her home page" about an hour ago. What? Isn't she in school?

    Well, she was in school....in guess what class? Computer.

    So when difficult child gets home last night, husband asks her whether she was on FB during school? Her response was not a "No"--it was that she only asked her friends for the websites that would let her by-pass the school's blocking system...and only her friends were on FB today....not her. Well, husband says well somebody posed as you and posted to your page and I can prove it...so you will not get a turn using the computer tonight.

    And that was it. difficult child was off on a rage. She went to her bedroom yelling, swearing, smashing, screaming etc. I asked husband to please double-check that our cameras were recording (I sometimes turn them on and forget to actually hit the "record" button).

    Next minute, difficult child is out of her room and I hear a strange coughing, snorting, gagging sound. My impression at that moment is that the sounds were very exaggerated--they way one might cough a little extra loudly when they are trying to get your attention.

    husband heads down the hall to check the cameras and I hear him yell "O My G-D!!!"

    difficult child was in the bathroom with a bloody nose. And I mean BLOODY. It looked like it was spurting and it was everywhere. And to make matters worse difficult child kept snorting very forcefully through her nose.

    husband asked what the heck happened? difficult child says "This is what happens when I get upset."

    I made her an ice pack and told her to put it on the back of her neck. She yelled "What the h*ll is that gonna do?"

    I replied "It's standard first aid." and left it at that. I wasn't about to go twenty rounds over an ice pack.

    So we don't know exactly what happened. And naturally, I had indeed forgotten to press the record button on the camera. So whether difficult child had purposefully hit her nose or her head against something in her room (which she will do when raging) or whether it was an accident or whether her pounding heartbeat combined with dry winter air caused a spontaneous nosebleed....I don't know.

    There was just a trail of blood starting from her bed and headed down the hallway. It must not have bothered difficult child too much, because she did not bother changing the blood-stained comforter on her bed. (Granted, the bed was not too bad, but still. It needs to be washed.)

    Although she DID take a shower to clean up. The first one in about two weeks. Hooray for small miracles.

    So is the the new format I can expect from rages? Dramatic injuries?

    At family therapy the other night, difficult child had expressed that when somebody threatens suicide, you're not supposed to take them to a hospital. therapist immediately informed her that that was EXACTLY what one should do when a loved one threatens suicide. That seemed to upset her.

    So I'm wondering if the suicide threats were purely for manipulation purposes (you know, so that we would do whatever it was that difficult child felt we were supposed to do upon hearing her statements) and now that it is clear that suicide threats will lead to hospitalization, she has to try something else?

    I don't really know. I'm just tired. So very mentally fatigued.

    Thanks for listening...

  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It seems that she did give herself the bloody nose.

    According to WebWatcher...she sent a message to her friend that she "clawed her face" last night.

  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Can you forward that msg to her psychiatrist?
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    We're making copies and printing them out for the doctor...
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Wow, she sounds so unstable. :( I hope psychiatrist/therapist can help her soon.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Is it possible she's exaggerating about the clawing to the FB friend in order to generate some sense of freakish awe in the other person towards her? Sort of an attention-getting "I'm so tough I made myself bleed to make my parents flip out" kind of thing? Not saying she's not unstable, just that her other motivations lately have been so out there, that something like self-inflicted harm to generate attention or sympathy from her peers would not be surprising to me.

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    She sounds VERY lonely to me. :(
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Could be. She was bragging to the friend with whom she was going to share the razorblades.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She needs something to change and now. difficult child was like this when I decided to move her to her fathers. She had created a stalker on AIM, she used a saw on the corners of walls and the furniture, she tried to light the cupboards on fire, and she was telling tall tales about being on house arrest with an ankle bracelet in the past (which she hadn't). This was 7th grade. My last straw was her coming at me with a hammer.

    The best advice I got was from Fran. Stop trying to do the same as you have been because it is NOT working. I had nothing else to try. So, I moved her to her dad's for a year.

    Something just has to change. It can not go on like this any longer.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I agree 100% !!!!

    Unfortunately, I have no place to send her. She is our bio child, so there is no sending her to another parent. No other relatives are willing to take her. We have applied to two RTCs (that accept parent referrals) and been rejected.

    The doctor at psychiatric hospital told us to "just keep doing what we're doing" and refused to take her last time we brought her in for suicide threats and referred us instead to country mental health.

    Treatment at county mental health is at a standstill because new Medicaid requirements force them to partially fund any Residential Treatment Center (RTC) options--so they are just not doing those referrals any more...and her therapist just seems plain out of ideas.

    So we are continuing to see therapist. We are continuing with the county's psychiatrist (this is the new one that we finally got to see after months and months) and we start testing at the university tomorrow with another new psychiatrist.

    We also got approved for the waitlist for the state's program to help families with severely emotionally disturbed children. Again, that's just the waitlist. We don't actually get any additional services until she reaches the top of the list...which could literally take years.

    We figure that if we keep batting the bushes and making a lot of noise that SOMETHING has to give somewhere to help us...

  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm so sorry. Your daughter sounds terribly unstable and it's shocking that her doctor says, "just keep doing what you're doing". Wouldn't it be lovely to move him in for a week!

    No suggestions, just support and hugs.

  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I hope her FB cohort gets investigated as well...

    No advice, just hugs for you.
  13. Autismkids

    Autismkids Member

    My favorite go-to plan (to plan a plan!) is a functional behavior assessment. Track, with antecedent-behavior-consequence charts for about a week. It should give you a good idea of why something is happening, and then work to change the antecedent and consequence.

    The consequence is what happens right after the behavior. Doesn't have be a punishment. As an example- my son was screaming on the couch, which was the behavior (antecedent was no candy right now). The consequence was me telling him to have a more quiet fit. He did! LOL. But that consequence consistently used isn't going to change his tantruming behavior.

    You could change things, but you'll never really know how much the behavior actually changed without tracking it before putting a plan in place.
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    Oh Dasily I'm so sorry. I have nothing to add except to encourage you to keep taking care of you. We have to keep our armor polished (meaning we have to eat, sleep and do whatever stress reduction we can) to keep up with daily demands. I sure hope you're able to get her stable soon. This is a tough way to live. Hugs, ML
  15. helpme

    helpme New Member

    I read these threads in the wrong order :(

    I really agree with Star, she does seem very lonely.
    Maybe a mentor/program. Someone to get
    her to open up?

    It does sound like you are doing a great job of
    documenting everything. Keep it up!

    Help is so hard to get sometimes, and it is such
    an awful shame. When I was out of options for
    difficult child, I just kept repeating that he is unsafe to
    himself and others. I verified that someone
    always wrote down that I said that. I soon had
    to accept that was all that I could morally do,
    was to admit the truth and pray that someone
    might "hear" me.

    Maybe that doctor needs to be replaced with
    someone who "hears"?

    Remember to take care of yourself.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    In the absence of anything else useful, at least do that.

    I do agree though - "keep doing what you are doing" is clearly NOT working. Can you go back to this guy and make it clear that it looks as if "keep doing what you are doing" is only making things worse? I sometimes have found that even where I've had to deal with idiots or ruse ratbags of doctors, if I feed back on the outcome of their idiocy and then give them an alternative direction in which to jump, they do tend to take tat alternative.
    For example, difficult child 3 at age 2 saw a local (idiot) doctor. I was concerned about an increasingly harsh cough in difficult child 3 during cold, dry winter weather. He was also developing a fever. The doctor said, "He fever's not up enough to need antibiotics. Just give him a cough suppressant from the chemist's and take him home."
    I actually asked, "Can you please write up an order for a nebuliser? I am concerned this could be croup developing."
    I got told to stop being an over-anxious parent and take the poor kid home (this doctor kept pushing the line that I was Munchhausen's by proxy - flamin' idiot!)

    That night the cough had developed as I feared and we had to take difficult child 3 to hospital. They assessed his condition there and immediately ordered a nebuliser with salbutamol. I'd only asked for saline nebulising, which at that early stage could have been sufficient. THE HOSPITAL ordered the nebuliser, the HOSPITAL diagnosed croup.

    Because our rules state that after a hospital intervention you must take the paperwork back to your GP, I was back in that doctor's rooms next day with the hospital report. The doctor groaned and said, "So you got your way after all?"
    I let him have it. I told him to call the hospital and tell them off for letting an obviously mentally ill parent tell them what to write on their official paperwork. I then said a bit more calmly, "Now seriously - what do you think they will say to you? Now let's try this again - I said yesterday I was concerned tis was developing into croup. There is no way I could induce croup in this child. The hospital diagnosed what you said was not happening. OK, they saw him later in the night. But you were dismissive of me. I can accept that it was a simple mistake, why can't you? And now you can see that I was NOT making it up, can you perhaps change your opinion of me?"

    I don't think he ever changed his opinion of me. But he at least admitted he had got it wrong, and he accepted that the croup as diagnosed by the hospital, was genuine. I did avoid having to consult with him after that, but he was a lot more careful about what he said to me after that, too.

    The point it - I think giving feedback is important. Because if you never go back and he never hears anything more, then in his mind he made a good call. And we all know he did not.