A Typical Weekend

[KitKat]

How is everybody else's weekend going? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

difficult child Weekend 1-2-3 February 2008
- Arrival Friday night very anxious – rude – no patience – grabs his brother (6-year old) by the wrists and tells him to leave him alone (yelling). We ask what is wrong – did he have good week with mother, did he have argument with mother, or a bad time at school etc… what is wrong – he says only “LEAVE ME ALONE”.
- Rude, anxious at dinner. I make his favourite meal. Watches TV afterwards with his father, brother and sister. We get him into better humour. Goes to bed OK.
- Saturday morning very quiet. Takes medication. Goes to his brother’s hockey. Spends entire time talking to me about all of the stuff he is planning to buy himself (with what $$$) ex. super special blade for his hockey stick, wave board, all kinds of $$$ stuff. Very unrealistic.
- Refuses to have his own hockey stuff washed for Sat night game (talking back and argumentative again); I do not argue – let him play with last week’s dirty stuff! Plays hockey outside all afternoon at the park with his father, his friend and his brother while I visit the horses with his sister. Invites his friend to dinner without asking me. I have loud conversation with him about respect for stepmother (that's me) and discuss washing of hockey stuff again – tell him to GET ORGANIZED. Friend stays for dinner and goes to his hockey game. Friend very nice/quite but a lot younger. Team loses 9-2. difficult child yells at or is rude to his father all the way home from game… where is his sister, why does she get to sleep at her friend’s house, why can’t his friend sleep over then (all this at about 10:30 p.m. with no plans made beforehand – his father says “not tonight we are not organized”). Refuses to accept decision, refuses to take hockey bag out of truck at home; it is left there all night. Refuses to speak in the house; takes shower and goes to bed after slamming his door LOUDLY.
- Sunday morning; rude, abusive, talking back, inciting his little brother to disobey father and me (“you don’t have to listen to them”); little brother screaming at us – mini tantrum. This is not first time and we are definitely noticing a pattern of aggressive behaviour that is beginning with little brother now. difficult child seems to think he gets power this way – he definitely enjoys the stress he is causing his father and me – no doubt about it. I ask what was the problem last night – is this how he repays his father for doing everything he wants all weekend and not doing what he does not want to do? Only answer is “YEAH RIGHT” over and over again. Ask him to call his mother; does not respond. Disappears downstairs.
- Can’t find mini hockey sticks and ball he needs to return to his friend today. I can’t remember where I put them last night but pretty sure I left them in a tupperware basket downstairs – family room hockey game got TOO ROUGH. Promise to look later if he will calm down. He's talking to himself, “repeating” conversations to himself that did not take place. Very strange behaviour. Not the first time I notice this (the talking).
- Does not take medication this morning. (I do not insist). The medication does not stop his aggressive and disobedient behaviour anyway.
- Refuses to call mother to see when she will be home (we would like to take him back to her place earlier today – he visits us every weekend). Refuses to have reasonable conversation. Yelling and/or talking back.
- Refuses to do any of his chores (posted on fridge) all weekend. After reminding, attempts to empty dishwasher Saturday morning before his brother’s hockey; after 20 min I take over so we will not all be late getting to arena.
- DIFFICULT WEEKEND – MORE DIFFICULT THAN THE AVERAGE WEEKEND. As far as we know difficult child had a good week in school last week and so was rewarded by getting to spend time with his mother on Thursday night - her agreement is that if he is not good, she does not spend time with him(!).
- 11:40 – friend arrives to pick up his mini hockey game – I find it exactly where I told difficult child I left it – in the green basket. He wants to go out with friend – I say “no” not after last night’s behaviour and his behaviour all weekend. Say he needs to apologize – he says what will that do you will STILL KEEP ME LOCKED UP (?). He says he doesn’t have to listen to or obey me but his friend leaves anyway. difficult child returns downstairs again (starts having conversations with himself again). He is having a slow meltdown and I know if I go downstairs to tell him to stop throwing the tennis ball around the family room he will have a crisis. I am alone in the house right now and not prepared to do that.
- 11:55 – finally settles down watching TV downstairs. But starts talking to himself again.

Sorry.. just needed to get that out. Constantly walking on eggshells with white gloves up to THERE. I haven't posted recently - been too busy in school meetings and/or work. This house is in a complete uproar.

Have a good rest of the weekend, everybody.

difficult child - 15.5 years old diag. ADHD, CD - living with his bio mother for past 19 mos -

 

[gcvmom]

What are the medications that he's refusing to take? Does the doctor overseeing his treatment know about the behavior you're witnessing?

Sorry you've had such a rough weekend

A couple of things come to mind that have to do with consequences for difficult child behavior (we use this a lot at our house):

I would not take him to hockey if his gear is not washed and ready to go.

If chores are not completed, then privileges like TV, friends, etc. do not get to be enjoyed.

Mistreatment/destructive behavior towards belongings results in loss of use of that belonging (i.e. I would have taken the slammed door off it's hinges and stored it in the garage/basement etc.)

Backtalk and disrespect from anyone to a parental authority is grounds for loss of privileges for a predetermined period of time.

Hope you're able to find some quiet time for yourself to recharge your batteries!

 

[Jena]

hi

sorry u had a rough one, sounds like my weekend lol....since i took little one off drugs she's off the charts with behavioral problems. answers back, nasty, slamming doors, yelling at me, hitting sister, crying, happy a mess overall........

i do the same thing there are consequences for her actions. when she is nasty i give her a time out i contain her in her room so far this has worked.

when she hits her sister she looses a privledge

i dont let her get away with it. does it help?? hmm i'll let ou know in week

good luck

take a moment to breath riht now i'm locked in bathroom smoking cig. out window becuase i needed a min. mommy timeout

jen

 

[KitKat]

Thank YOU!!

Re the privileges, we've taken hockey away before (when he got suspended from school three days, two weeks in a row) and it really affected difficult child. He said he didn't care, but he got into even more trouble when it was removed. You see, he is a stellar player (all positions, really amazing he can concentrate on THAT and not other things). It is really the only thing he does that makes him feel good about himself. So this week he had a good week at school and played hockey again - but it didnt' seem to do any good. Still the behaviour.

I appreciated the comment about the door. A few years ago, we took it away from him for about six months. Now he is 15 and a half - we wondered if it was still appropriate?. I just don't know where to draw the line with "little kid" consequences as opposed to trying to treat him like an adult or at least a teenager. He still doesn't have a closet door as he rammed all of his model cars into it and we had to throw it out in the garbage two years ago. We haven't replaced it, neither have we replaced the furniture we bought him that he broke up. We've only repaired the holes in his walls - we take the money from his bank account for plaster and paint etc.

I guess I didn't convey it clearly, but I am REALLY WORRIED about him talking to himself. He literally had conversations with himself that mirrored discussions we had this weekend, but our version was changed to make him the victim 100% of the time. I am also worried about him living at his bio mom's during the week. We're getting help via CPS (Canadian version) that starts tomorrow, he's with a psycho-educator at school (started last week), and we're again on a waiting list for child psychiatry services but it's all just part of a long list of supporters, cheerleaders and others who criticized but wouldn't participate to any measurable degree I'm talking a span of ten years and this includes family members as well as the private and social system.

I'm also worried about our six year old who is now displaying aggressive behaviour that was never there before. difficult child tells him he doesn't have to listen to us - that we're cruel and mean and unfair. What's a little brother to believe?? We'd like difficult child to live here again but where does one draw the line between saving a family member and destroying all of the rest of them? I feel like a loser. I am educated, fairly patient and my husband (bio father) is one in a million. Is there a magic wand out there somewhere?

Re medications, he does take them if we're standing over him. Otherwise (at his mom's for instance) we don't know if he is taking them or throwing them out. We've given some extra to the school but so far he hasn't said he's needed them (ie. forgot to take them).

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{Hugs}}} KitKat,
Sorry that you're having such a rough time with your difficult child.
Here's hoping that the psychiatric-educator and other services will help pinpoint the issues that your difficult child is having, and get him the help he needs.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer, just to say that I've been there and I understand. Last summer my difficult child was unstable and raging so badly that we had to send Little easy child to stay with relatives until we could stabilize difficult child.

I don't know if Quebec services are the same as those in Ontario, but there is help out there.I hope that you get the answers you need soon.

Trinity

 

[KitKat]

Trinity thanks for your message. I only have my Mom and she's a bit sick so can't be much help for sending the little one off anywhere. I think that with Youth Protection getting involved next week we will have another set of eyes on the situation and perhaps solve some issues that way.

I have to travel next week (4 days) and the week after (another 4 days) so let's hope tomorrow's meeting wtih YP has some effect. Fingers crossed and I feel the hugs... and passing them along to my husband who has suddenly gone very grey... not kidding. We have to save this kid but we just need to figure out how...

And for gvcmom I'm sorry I forgot to respond but he's on Concerta 72mg only and doesn't "refuse" to take it but has been hiding not taking them... I guess I can't blame him. I feel strongly he's looking for a solution as well. Wish we could all be on the same plain...

 

[gcvmom]

My difficult child 1 is very oppositional when off his medications, so it makes sense that if your difficult child is refusing or "forgetting" his he'd be even more of a handful.

With respect to discipline measures, I think you have to ignore their chronological age for a minute and consider the behavior. Truthfully, most of these kids are a few years behind in their maturity anyway. My difficult child 1 lost his door for two weeks because of a slamming, object throwing incident. Today, he got racked up close to two hours in our "penalty box" for escalting behaviors -- and he ended up bolting for about a 1/2 hour because throughout all this his medications had not yet kicked in. When he finally came back, he was very remorseful and apologetic -- a complete 180 from the lip I was getting from him earlier, but that's because his medications were finally working.

Something else that came to mind was the idea of using a carrot instead of a stick to try to influence difficult child behavior. I tend to gravitate toward the stick approach (punitive) with discipline, I admit. But I've seen that using rewards as incentives can often be more effective. Perhaps you could start with a reward for him taking his medications in your presence every day! With a bonus for making it X number of days in compliance. Just a thought. I know it seems a little ridiculous to have to go to such lengths with a 15 1/2yo, but if he's not acting his age, you might have to adjust your expectations.

I understand the concern over his "conversations" with himself. Hopefully the folks observing him next week will get him headed in the right direction for support services.

Your youngest has to be held accountable for the the types of behaviors you will and won't accept from him. It's unfortunate that your difficult child is influencing him, but I think you've got to draw some hard boundaries.

You're not a loser! Parenting a difficult child is VERY hard. I love my kids dearly, but if I'd had a crystal ball 14 years ago, I might have thought twice about the life I have now.

 

[BusynMember]

My son is on the autism spectrum and talks to himself all the time. I was told it's easier for him to understand his thoughts when he talks out loud. When I ask him about it, he says, in a good-natured voice, "When there's nobody else to talk to, I talk to me." He does not hallucinate nor is he mentally ill. I hear it's common for spectrum kids to talk to themselves. HOWEVER, Lucas only does it when he's at home in his room and nobody can hear him (or so he thinks...hehe). And he doesn't have difficult behavior. Talking to oneself CAN mean the child is hearing voices in his head. I know that you're in Canada and that your son is pretty old now, but, if you can, I"d get him a neuropsychologist evaluation. They in my opinion are far better than any other type of evaluation...far more thorough. He is likely misbehaving because of some mental health issue OR neurological difference that nobody understands. He's getting up there though--I don't know if you can really help him anymore unless he wants to cooperate with treatment. in my opinion therapy won't help this child until he is evaluated and the cause of his oppositional behavior is found. I believe it's far more than ADHD and CD is basically an untreated, unresolved mental illness. My guess is that if he lived in the US, he'd probably have a different diagnosis. Is he on stimulants? That could make him worse if he has a mood problem...good luck!