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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 637507" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>Everyone -- Wow! Such great comments, insights, ideas and sentiments you post! Thanks so much!</p><p></p><p>GM -- That's exactly what someone else told difficult child -- someone who is clean. It seemed to help difficult child to shift the blame away from himself re: the abuser. That was good. And GM? I'm with MWM on this......... P4 gladly reminded me at the beginning of this thread.... We're stronger than we think we are! AND WE ARE! All of us! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Boundaries -- Yep, yep, and yep! I needed to be reminded of that last night and you all did it wonderfully for me here. Thanks!</p><p></p><p>SuZir --- So true, what you wrote of what tools are in difficult child's toolbox for navigating life. Not many. And many of those tools he did choose to use were very much on the wrong track. It's a learning curve for all of us. I think we're all trying to figure out how much trust we have for each other. Some moments contain more trust than others. It's a long process. And, honestly? I think it's supposed to be a long process. It's better if it's a long process. Better for everyone.</p><p></p><p>Yes, we have fortunate assistance from a handful of friends who are very "plugged in" to "the system" and are helping us with options. Waiting to hear on a specific housing option later today. Fingers crossed. He is couch-surfing, but with only 2 others and they are both clean and sober (we know them). They are the ones who verified the truth of the AA story -- that difficult child did, in fact, run into abuser and walk away (more like "ran", they said). </p><p></p><p>We helped difficult child write up a resume (pretty easy, actually, as there's not much to tell). Surprisingly, difficult child used it and got himself a seasonal job at Hickory Farms at the Mall (starting today). Also, at church last night they said there was "Man Church" (big crowd of guys all wear their football jerseys to church and on a giant screen they all watch Monday Night Football together and grunt into unison! LOLOL!). Anyway, difficult child wants to go. It's a GREAT opportunity for him to meet a big pile of clean and sober men in healthy activity. So, between him working today and Man Church, difficult child will not be here all day or evening. </p><p></p><p>Day 1 (yesterday), survived. Day 2 (today), should be easy as he won't be here until 9 p.m. Day 3 (tomorrow) will hopefully be survived, also. Funny to look at it that way, but you all know what I'm saying!</p><p></p><p>CoM --- Exactly! The "Mommy" days are over! Yesterday I also told difficult child that even Peter Pan has to grow up. Now is the time. He didn't like that very much. Oh, well..........facts are facts. But at least he didn't explode. He just left the room. That works for me. And who knows? Maybe that nudged Peter Pan into getting the job. Hopefully it'll also nudge Peter Pan into actually showing up for said job.</p><p></p><p>Lastly, difficult child said it was a "blessing straight from God" that someone he knew from elementary school (my very close friend's son) contacted him out of the blue to go ride go-karts. difficult child was thrilled! I absolutely LOVE this particular guy (my friend's son) and he is well away of difficult child's difficulties. </p><p></p><p>Side Note (just because I it makes me feel good to remember it......USE EVERY FEEL "FEEL GOOD" TOOL, RIGHT? LET NO "FEEL GOOD" TOOL GO UNUSED!) ----- When difficult child and this other kid were 13, we had a large group of us drive out to our property deep in the woods for some motorcycling, ATV'ing, and swimming in the lake. Well, actually we were supposed to be there to burn slash piles, but we played a lot more than we worked. Ha! Precious family time because we didn't have very many happy difficult child times (I know you all can relate). So.....we SAVORED those good days at the property. On the way back it was me and 3 13-yo boys driving back in my car. difficult child got upset about something (you all know the drill) and when we pulled over, difficult child ran directly into the highway in a frenzy. Ask me if I 'bout had a coronary! Anyway, it was a power duel over food and, well, I'm the adult so it's gonna go my way. Eventually it did, but it took about 45-min to settle down. The other boys just watched in horror. BUT.......every single one of those boys was an "old soul" in the best ways. EVERY single one of them went out of their way to help me (and, in the long run, difficult child). We knew these boys VERY WELL (they were like "second sons" to us) and came with us often --- motorcycles, skiing/snowboarding, swimming, fishing, etc. We even all did a giant whipped cream pie fight together (really....got nearly 50 of us for it and it was a BLAST!).</p><p></p><p>It's one of these boys who contacted difficult child yesterday. difficult child is right....it is a "blessing straight from God" that this guy called (who is still just a terrific guy!). I suspect my great friend may have nudged her son to call. But he's just the right guy to call and difficult child knows it and said so.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for listening to my little reminiscing about those boys and how they helped with difficult child (rare fun days of clean and sober for difficult child, too! He was already using at age 13). We had SO much fun with these boys and I am SO grateful one of them has re-entered difficult child's life!</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I think the power of recalling FUN events is one of our most empowering "feel good" tools in our box. FUN rocks! FUN is important! FUN is endorphins! FUN is a peacemaker. FUN is.......well.....FUN!</p><p></p><p>We all struggle so much with our difficult child's and it's some h-e-a-v-y stuff. We deserve FUN wherever we can find it and as often as we can find it!</p><p></p><p>Maaaan, how I appreciate this forum where I can spill my heart, strategize, reminisce, share and get such great support and ideas (you all have such GREAT ideas.....I am using many of them!)!</p><p></p><p>Thank you all!</p><p></p><p>PS ----- We still like using lockboxes here. Also, husband suggested that we get massages often for relaxation (there's a massage school nearby that does 'em for half price).</p><p></p><p>Using boundaries to lessen unhealthy matter. Using tools to increase what's healthy matters, too. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 637507, member: 18284"] Everyone -- Wow! Such great comments, insights, ideas and sentiments you post! Thanks so much! GM -- That's exactly what someone else told difficult child -- someone who is clean. It seemed to help difficult child to shift the blame away from himself re: the abuser. That was good. And GM? I'm with MWM on this......... P4 gladly reminded me at the beginning of this thread.... We're stronger than we think we are! AND WE ARE! All of us! :) Boundaries -- Yep, yep, and yep! I needed to be reminded of that last night and you all did it wonderfully for me here. Thanks! SuZir --- So true, what you wrote of what tools are in difficult child's toolbox for navigating life. Not many. And many of those tools he did choose to use were very much on the wrong track. It's a learning curve for all of us. I think we're all trying to figure out how much trust we have for each other. Some moments contain more trust than others. It's a long process. And, honestly? I think it's supposed to be a long process. It's better if it's a long process. Better for everyone. Yes, we have fortunate assistance from a handful of friends who are very "plugged in" to "the system" and are helping us with options. Waiting to hear on a specific housing option later today. Fingers crossed. He is couch-surfing, but with only 2 others and they are both clean and sober (we know them). They are the ones who verified the truth of the AA story -- that difficult child did, in fact, run into abuser and walk away (more like "ran", they said). We helped difficult child write up a resume (pretty easy, actually, as there's not much to tell). Surprisingly, difficult child used it and got himself a seasonal job at Hickory Farms at the Mall (starting today). Also, at church last night they said there was "Man Church" (big crowd of guys all wear their football jerseys to church and on a giant screen they all watch Monday Night Football together and grunt into unison! LOLOL!). Anyway, difficult child wants to go. It's a GREAT opportunity for him to meet a big pile of clean and sober men in healthy activity. So, between him working today and Man Church, difficult child will not be here all day or evening. Day 1 (yesterday), survived. Day 2 (today), should be easy as he won't be here until 9 p.m. Day 3 (tomorrow) will hopefully be survived, also. Funny to look at it that way, but you all know what I'm saying! CoM --- Exactly! The "Mommy" days are over! Yesterday I also told difficult child that even Peter Pan has to grow up. Now is the time. He didn't like that very much. Oh, well..........facts are facts. But at least he didn't explode. He just left the room. That works for me. And who knows? Maybe that nudged Peter Pan into getting the job. Hopefully it'll also nudge Peter Pan into actually showing up for said job. Lastly, difficult child said it was a "blessing straight from God" that someone he knew from elementary school (my very close friend's son) contacted him out of the blue to go ride go-karts. difficult child was thrilled! I absolutely LOVE this particular guy (my friend's son) and he is well away of difficult child's difficulties. Side Note (just because I it makes me feel good to remember it......USE EVERY FEEL "FEEL GOOD" TOOL, RIGHT? LET NO "FEEL GOOD" TOOL GO UNUSED!) ----- When difficult child and this other kid were 13, we had a large group of us drive out to our property deep in the woods for some motorcycling, ATV'ing, and swimming in the lake. Well, actually we were supposed to be there to burn slash piles, but we played a lot more than we worked. Ha! Precious family time because we didn't have very many happy difficult child times (I know you all can relate). So.....we SAVORED those good days at the property. On the way back it was me and 3 13-yo boys driving back in my car. difficult child got upset about something (you all know the drill) and when we pulled over, difficult child ran directly into the highway in a frenzy. Ask me if I 'bout had a coronary! Anyway, it was a power duel over food and, well, I'm the adult so it's gonna go my way. Eventually it did, but it took about 45-min to settle down. The other boys just watched in horror. BUT.......every single one of those boys was an "old soul" in the best ways. EVERY single one of them went out of their way to help me (and, in the long run, difficult child). We knew these boys VERY WELL (they were like "second sons" to us) and came with us often --- motorcycles, skiing/snowboarding, swimming, fishing, etc. We even all did a giant whipped cream pie fight together (really....got nearly 50 of us for it and it was a BLAST!). It's one of these boys who contacted difficult child yesterday. difficult child is right....it is a "blessing straight from God" that this guy called (who is still just a terrific guy!). I suspect my great friend may have nudged her son to call. But he's just the right guy to call and difficult child knows it and said so. Thanks for listening to my little reminiscing about those boys and how they helped with difficult child (rare fun days of clean and sober for difficult child, too! He was already using at age 13). We had SO much fun with these boys and I am SO grateful one of them has re-entered difficult child's life! Honestly, I think the power of recalling FUN events is one of our most empowering "feel good" tools in our box. FUN rocks! FUN is important! FUN is endorphins! FUN is a peacemaker. FUN is.......well.....FUN! We all struggle so much with our difficult child's and it's some h-e-a-v-y stuff. We deserve FUN wherever we can find it and as often as we can find it! Maaaan, how I appreciate this forum where I can spill my heart, strategize, reminisce, share and get such great support and ideas (you all have such GREAT ideas.....I am using many of them!)! Thank you all! PS ----- We still like using lockboxes here. Also, husband suggested that we get massages often for relaxation (there's a massage school nearby that does 'em for half price). Using boundaries to lessen unhealthy matter. Using tools to increase what's healthy matters, too. :) [/QUOTE]
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