Mine have always had a coherent story from me. But they still want it from birthmother. Far as I know it would be the same story. The oldest who was drug exposed is the one with current anger about it. The middle one is just curious I think. Both talk about feelings of abandonment. But maybe that is just talk, putting a word into a discussion that doesn't belong just because its a common word. I get a lot of "you just don't understand cause you're not adopted".
Abandonment issues
- Thread starter toughlovin
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
As mine has, from me. But we were both torpedoed by the HEP B diagnosis which came out of nowhere when he was 19.
I think the abandonment is real in some kids say placed into families with cultural and ethnic differences, or those from other countries, or maybe kids who feel sensitive because they do not fit in terms of characteristics or appearance with the other family members. Some kids feel loss of their "real" histories and destinies. Others feel the loss of genetic and health histories. And there is the sense that I must not have been good enough. But I think this happens with birth children too. Children blame themselves and not their parents.
But all of this is not specific just to adopted kids, for example, the sense of being a misfit happens within genetically related families, where one child feels different or rejected or not part of the family. To the extent that some kids actually believe their parents are lying to them, and that they were actually adopted, when they were not.
But I agree with you. In my experience there is not necessarily a knee-jerk abandonment issue.
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toughlovin
Well-Known Member
We have also been very open with our kids about their birth and adoption stories. My daughter totally understands the abandonment issues adopted kids have but seems to have totally reconciled them for herself.... she figures her birthmother made a plan, and really tried to give her a good situation and better situation than she could. My son feels a lot of anger towards his bmom....I dont think so much for his adoption but because he feels a lot of his issues are due to genetics and he blames his birthmom for that and that somehow she should have known that she would be handing down bad genes.... I dont think it is totally logical really. I just think the issues hit different kids differently..... I know my son has always taken things very much to heart.... and I am not sure his abandonment issues are all related to adoption actually. They may be related just as much to girlfriends who broke up with him....
I suppose the racial difference could be an issue for both of mine.
TL, my oldest has disowned me for some months now because I refuse to help him take out his anger on his birthmom. He had pre- natal drug exposure and is an addict which he's aware is likely inherited. I was not aware until this moment that this could be common to some adopted kids in his situation. I assumed he was just picking her as a target for whatever anger he has otherwise. It gives me a slightly different view. It says to me that even if/ when his life gets back on track this anger and her as a target will continue. Reinforces my belief that nothing good will come of contact with her. Also that if she refuses contact he will proceed to contact every relative she has as he has threatened. This will undoubtedly do damage to her life which he has said he doesn't care about. But it will give him the chance to vent his anger if she refuses contact. So I again know that I am doing the right thing in standing firm against helping him with this plan.
TL, my oldest has disowned me for some months now because I refuse to help him take out his anger on his birthmom. He had pre- natal drug exposure and is an addict which he's aware is likely inherited. I was not aware until this moment that this could be common to some adopted kids in his situation. I assumed he was just picking her as a target for whatever anger he has otherwise. It gives me a slightly different view. It says to me that even if/ when his life gets back on track this anger and her as a target will continue. Reinforces my belief that nothing good will come of contact with her. Also that if she refuses contact he will proceed to contact every relative she has as he has threatened. This will undoubtedly do damage to her life which he has said he doesn't care about. But it will give him the chance to vent his anger if she refuses contact. So I again know that I am doing the right thing in standing firm against helping him with this plan.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Wow yes I agree I would not want to help him to do anything to vent his anger to his birthmom. Mine has not gotten that far in his thinking I dont think. I also am not at all aware that he had any prenatal drug exposure so for him it is just the genetics which of course she had no control over.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Copa, your son was harmed by his birthparents. I understand his feelings.
My best friend of my younger years was healthy and whole and beautiful and her adoptive parents were not a good match for her. Mom was an alcoholic. She loved her parents dearly but we had MANY talks about her situation. She said "I look in th mirror and I see a stranger. Who do I look like?"
She was extremely intelligent and curious about everything and she needed snswers to feel peaceful. After she had her beautiful children, she wanted to be able to tell them their ethnicity and reasons for their gifts and challenges.And medical information. So she got a PI and searched.
She found.
After initial shock by the family, she was accepted by this very nice family who was a lot more like her than her adoptive family. She straddled both families most of the second half of her life (she met them at age 37). Her birthmother had been sixteen when she got pregnant and the family had pressured he adopton.
Two years after giving birth to my friend, she met a wonderful man, eventually married him and had three more kids and he was wonderful to my friend and her kids called him Papa. She was included as a family member and this was a big fun Irish family very unlike the one who raised her. It wasnt perfect at first but it worked out well. She is closer to her birth sibs than tje ones she grew up with, one who has brain damage and tried to molest her but she kicked him and he dodnt do it again. She continued to love him and all her sibs from both families.
Her mother met her birthmom once but it was strained. My friends sister went on to search but her birthmom had passed but she formed lukewarm relationships with birth siblings, nothing great or lasting.
My friend was very different snd more sure of herself after she could fill in her history. Yet she was the one who was there when her parents were sick and needed her help. She loved all of them. She neglected nobody. She is one of those very special kindhearted yet strong people, the strong one in both of her families, the one everyone called for help and comfort in both families (and her strength is further tested now as her four year old grandson has neuroblastoma and she is there for her daughter snd all her children). She babysits the other kids when her ill grandson is in the hospital, often for a month. She gives money and all her live and support.
Each adoption situation spawns different results and feelings in our adopted kids. But I do think most want to know their stories and some need actual contact to feel better, even if its to call the birthmother a @@@@@. But not every child came from a bad situation. And sadly some adoptive homes arent that great, like my friends, and that can fuel even more wanting to know the birthparents.
Then there is Sonic who is not angry and not curious (shrug). And he is not so greatly disabled that he doesnt get it. He does get it. But he doesnt really care.
I dont think my daughter Princess has abandonment issues but she had said many times "I dont understand how she could give me away. Even if things were tough. I could never give away my kid." Thats how she saw it, no matter how much it was told to her differently. In her mind her birthmother chose to give her away.
And nothing could make her feel better about it. She hasnt said that for a decade but it may still be on her mind. But she has also warmed my heart by saying "Mom, even if I meet her YOU ARE MY MOTHER! I LOVE YOU and you raised me and that will never change." Yes, I was insecure enough to say "I support your meeting her and will help you." Then "I hope if you meet her you still consider me Mom." Hugging her as I said it in a timid voice. And she laughed and answered me. And laughed again. And said "Why would you even SAY that?"
They are all different. Each adoption story is different. Not all birthmoms wanted to do adoption. Many were very young with family pressure. And some had no choice as the State stepped in.
My best friend of my younger years was healthy and whole and beautiful and her adoptive parents were not a good match for her. Mom was an alcoholic. She loved her parents dearly but we had MANY talks about her situation. She said "I look in th mirror and I see a stranger. Who do I look like?"
She was extremely intelligent and curious about everything and she needed snswers to feel peaceful. After she had her beautiful children, she wanted to be able to tell them their ethnicity and reasons for their gifts and challenges.And medical information. So she got a PI and searched.
She found.
After initial shock by the family, she was accepted by this very nice family who was a lot more like her than her adoptive family. She straddled both families most of the second half of her life (she met them at age 37). Her birthmother had been sixteen when she got pregnant and the family had pressured he adopton.
Two years after giving birth to my friend, she met a wonderful man, eventually married him and had three more kids and he was wonderful to my friend and her kids called him Papa. She was included as a family member and this was a big fun Irish family very unlike the one who raised her. It wasnt perfect at first but it worked out well. She is closer to her birth sibs than tje ones she grew up with, one who has brain damage and tried to molest her but she kicked him and he dodnt do it again. She continued to love him and all her sibs from both families.
Her mother met her birthmom once but it was strained. My friends sister went on to search but her birthmom had passed but she formed lukewarm relationships with birth siblings, nothing great or lasting.
My friend was very different snd more sure of herself after she could fill in her history. Yet she was the one who was there when her parents were sick and needed her help. She loved all of them. She neglected nobody. She is one of those very special kindhearted yet strong people, the strong one in both of her families, the one everyone called for help and comfort in both families (and her strength is further tested now as her four year old grandson has neuroblastoma and she is there for her daughter snd all her children). She babysits the other kids when her ill grandson is in the hospital, often for a month. She gives money and all her live and support.
Each adoption situation spawns different results and feelings in our adopted kids. But I do think most want to know their stories and some need actual contact to feel better, even if its to call the birthmother a @@@@@. But not every child came from a bad situation. And sadly some adoptive homes arent that great, like my friends, and that can fuel even more wanting to know the birthparents.
Then there is Sonic who is not angry and not curious (shrug). And he is not so greatly disabled that he doesnt get it. He does get it. But he doesnt really care.
I dont think my daughter Princess has abandonment issues but she had said many times "I dont understand how she could give me away. Even if things were tough. I could never give away my kid." Thats how she saw it, no matter how much it was told to her differently. In her mind her birthmother chose to give her away.
And nothing could make her feel better about it. She hasnt said that for a decade but it may still be on her mind. But she has also warmed my heart by saying "Mom, even if I meet her YOU ARE MY MOTHER! I LOVE YOU and you raised me and that will never change." Yes, I was insecure enough to say "I support your meeting her and will help you." Then "I hope if you meet her you still consider me Mom." Hugging her as I said it in a timid voice. And she laughed and answered me. And laughed again. And said "Why would you even SAY that?"
They are all different. Each adoption story is different. Not all birthmoms wanted to do adoption. Many were very young with family pressure. And some had no choice as the State stepped in.
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Oh yeah. My friend was caucasian with caucasion parents. She felt abandoned anyway.
Back in the day they only did same race adoption.
They feel abandoned because their birthmother who carried them for nine months andagave birth to them didnt keep them. Some believe the babies get used to the motjets voice in the womb. It is hurtful that a very real woman who gave birth to them did not keep them. A tremendous percentage of adoptees search these dayd and a network of adoptees is out there to help them, if they learn about it. I saw a psychologist who only worked with adoption for two years snd learned so much from him.
My kids know there stories. Jumper even has pictures of everyone. Jumper serms good with everything but she has lots of knowledge AND pictures and texted her birthmom a little.
Sometimes the story isnt enough. Many adoptees have to meet their birthparents to feel whole. I am fine if my kids do it. I hope myself to hug Jumpers birthmother one more time. We loved her very much.
Back in the day they only did same race adoption.
They feel abandoned because their birthmother who carried them for nine months andagave birth to them didnt keep them. Some believe the babies get used to the motjets voice in the womb. It is hurtful that a very real woman who gave birth to them did not keep them. A tremendous percentage of adoptees search these dayd and a network of adoptees is out there to help them, if they learn about it. I saw a psychologist who only worked with adoption for two years snd learned so much from him.
My kids know there stories. Jumper even has pictures of everyone. Jumper serms good with everything but she has lots of knowledge AND pictures and texted her birthmom a little.
Sometimes the story isnt enough. Many adoptees have to meet their birthparents to feel whole. I am fine if my kids do it. I hope myself to hug Jumpers birthmother one more time. We loved her very much.
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I've never used so I don't relate to my son's addiction in a strong personal way. Nor is he a female. This I think leaves us with different views of a woman who uses while pregnant. I believe the info I got when he was born that she didn't know she was pregnant. She stopped when she found out at about 7 mo and he was negative at birth. So only evidence she used was her reports. The blame he assigns to her for in utero use I don't see as justified. Perhaps its in the idea that she could be 7 mo and not know until then. This is part of why I don't understand his anger.
This being disowned is hurting me more than he will ever know, until he's a parent. But I can't give in. It would be letting him destroy himself. Maybe years from now when everyone involved is older. I thought maybe his anger would dissipate, now I wonder if it ever will.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I believe as long as he holds himself as culpable, responsive for erring greatly in life he will indict her. When he can find compassion for himself he will find it for her.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Smithmom. By disowning you he disowns himself. It serves a functional purpose for him. You are a stand in for him and for the biomom. It's unfair. It's wrong. It hurts. It's irrational. But it's not personal. Which is not to say the effects, the result is not personal.
Thanks Copa. That's hope. It reinforces my belief that time is a friend in this. I have hope that maturity will bring sobriety. He has told me many times that he regrets the terrible things he did as a child. He was very clear to me before this incarceration that he was proud of some improved behavior that is too complex to go into. But I was very proud of him too. I have always had hope and he has demonstrated minor improvements and increasing clarity in the last 4 or 5 years.
I will try to understand the stand in psychology. Ironic in this thread on abandonment that his abandonment of me somehow helps him.
Complex to explain but there was a very unusual facebook post a couple of weeks ago which I believe was his very noncommittal way of reaching out to me. He's obviously not changed his mind but it was too odd not to have been deliberate.
I will try to understand the stand in psychology. Ironic in this thread on abandonment that his abandonment of me somehow helps him.
Complex to explain but there was a very unusual facebook post a couple of weeks ago which I believe was his very noncommittal way of reaching out to me. He's obviously not changed his mind but it was too odd not to have been deliberate.
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You are welcome smithmom. I want to write a caveat. There are things I know either by experience, personal, work, academic learning, being alive, etc. But there are things that I intuit, that come to me, because I am open to holding them in my heart, so to speak, while I ask another part of myself to respond. I want you to know that what I wrote in this thread consists of both kinds of knowing. The latter kind, the intuitive, I think I trust more than the objective learning. But I wanted you to know that there is no way to prove that my thinking makes any sense, other than if it feels like it does. I have trusted this way of thinking and have based my work life on it, and the major decisions of my personal life. But that is me.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I do believe time is your friend. Your sons are so blessed to have you in their corner. And they do know this, no matter whether they acknowledge it to themselves or to you.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I do think our relationships with our kids is complex as adoptive moms.... I think copa is right in the stand in idea. I think sometimes their feelings (ie anger) towards their birthmoms gets mixed up with their feelings towards us. I think this may to some extent be true of my son also. I know that my relationshiip with my son has. alot of tension in it.... and a good part of that is just him and me and our own dynamic..... but I think his anger at his birth mom gets mixed up in that too sometimes too.
Given that I can see real benefit in them devloping a real live relationship with their birthmom as an adult because then they would have a chance to separate out the two..... I know in our case that hasnt happened yet. It may someday and both my kids know I would support them finding and meeting their birthmoms if and when they want to. I actually think it would be really good for my son to resolve some of his iissues around adoption..... and he was adopted at birth but I know they are in there swirling around but I am not sure he is really willing to go there.... or maybe he doesnt recognize them as issues. I am not sure. He is kind of closed off at least to me.
Given that I can see real benefit in them devloping a real live relationship with their birthmom as an adult because then they would have a chance to separate out the two..... I know in our case that hasnt happened yet. It may someday and both my kids know I would support them finding and meeting their birthmoms if and when they want to. I actually think it would be really good for my son to resolve some of his iissues around adoption..... and he was adopted at birth but I know they are in there swirling around but I am not sure he is really willing to go there.... or maybe he doesnt recognize them as issues. I am not sure. He is kind of closed off at least to me.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I think there are risks too.
When I think about it, adoption is almost always a trauma in one way or another. Because the evolutionary thrust is that a mother raise her natural offspring. A disruption of this ALWAYS involves some kind of break or loss in this chain. Even if there was no trauma per se, the effect is ALWAYS traumatic in one way another. In Tl's daughters case, she resolved this easily and it represented growth on her part.
I know in my own life, there have been things swirling around for all of my life, that I have never felt ready to deal with and wonder if I ever will.
I think we represent safety to our kids. Emotional safety. In some way they prefer to work their issues out in relation to us because we are safe. We will not normally retaliate and they know we will preserve the relationship and them.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Adopting and raising a child not born to you can be harder than if you give birth. Its a big thing that is on their minds. Mine are open about it because we let them be. The fact is that we did not create them and even deep love usually cant compensate for this. I knew adoption would be harder when we did it.
Thankfully we were blessed with three angels because we made our family this way. I am ever grateful. Adoption was high up there on things I wanted to do, harder or not, and I did it. And would not trade these kids for any.
If I had wanted to have more biological children, I could have, but I never put much stock in DNA and dont back off from a challenge either.
Thankfully we were blessed with three angels because we made our family this way. I am ever grateful. Adoption was high up there on things I wanted to do, harder or not, and I did it. And would not trade these kids for any.
If I had wanted to have more biological children, I could have, but I never put much stock in DNA and dont back off from a challenge either.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I agree Copa there are risks too.....And I agree adoption does involved trauma for all invovled. In our case we werre lucky enough to meet both of our kids birhtmothers at the time. I know my sons birthmom had a hard life in many ways.... I dont know what her circumstances are now but I do know she really loved him and did the best thing she could for him and I am sure she would be very glad to hear from him if he chose.... but I have no idea what her circumcstances are so it could be really difficult I don’t know. And he is certainnly in not a great situation to put on to someone else to deal with that is for sure!!
