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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 658512" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry. I think your story is instructive in that we never know what is going to happen. Our dcs may get better, and then they can get worse. They may be worse, and then they can get better. Just like all of life. For some reason, we put the "daily forecast" with our dcs at the top of the list but it's true about all of life. Everybody and everything.</p><p></p><p>I can only imagine your hope when he came out of the bad times and started functioning well, and then the crash when things started to go down again. </p><p></p><p>Your situation is a strong testament to the need to live in the here and now with every aspect of our lives. We only have right now. We only have this minute. What are we going to do with it? Are we going to "give it away" to someone else in terms of our thoughts and our focus? I know I do at times and many of us do.</p><p></p><p>We love our kids so much yet we are powerless to do anything substantive to change their lives. We can only stand by and watch and pray and hope. So, while we are doing that, what do we do with ourselves and that anxious energy that is created?</p><p></p><p>We use that time and that energy to focus on us. We start to read and study and work on ourselves. There is a lot of work to be done on us, everybody has the same work to do, but many don't do it. Why? They never have to.</p><p></p><p>We have to here, on this board, in order to be happy, joyous, serene, contented, peaceful human beings. </p><p></p><p>And it is possible to feel and behave that way, even if our precious dcs are off the rails.</p><p></p><p>The good thing about him being in jail is that it is very likely that he will have little to no access to drugs and even if he can get drugs at all, he won't get enough to be able to abuse them. That way, you and others will be able to see, once he is free from substances, what his mental state is.</p><p></p><p>I have been told over and over by professionals that there is no way to diagnose any kind of mental illness until the substance abuse stops (drugs, alcohol, etc.). Substance abuse is a primary mental health diagnosis, just like depression, schizophrenia, etc., are. And as we all know, abusing drugs and alcohol can cause all kinds of bizarre behavior and thinking so until that stops, there is no way to address anything else that might occur. And I have been told story after story about no matter how bizarre the thinking and behavior are, it can all correct itself after the substance abuse stops.</p><p></p><p>I also realize that substance abuse can trigger and cause other, long-term mental health problems, and sometimes those problems will surface even if or regardless of the use of substances.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps your son is in this category? If he is, and he is to have a mental illness that is not connected to ongoing substance abuse, the approach is the same. He will have to get treatment, and adhere to that treatment consistently in order to be able to live and function effectively in the world. </p><p></p><p>What if he won't? Or it doesn't work? As an adult who can understand day from night, it is his responsibility to take care of his own mental health and physical health and emotional health, etc. </p><p></p><p>You can't do it for him. You just can't.</p><p></p><p>I am peeling away the layers here because we can go round and round and round with all of this. We can drive ourselves nuts with all of the variables, what if this, what if that, well, one time, etc. </p><p></p><p>Ultimately, we have to accept that we and our grown children are not the same people, and we can't and don't have the same responsibility or influence we once had, when they were growing up, when we were their mothers and fathers. </p><p></p><p>It is very hard to accept this, because we want so much for them and we love them so much. And it is so painful to watch their pain and stumbling around and dysfunction and damaging behavior. </p><p></p><p>We can help them get evaluated and get treatment and support positive steps (not do it for them, but support and encourage them) but in the end, we cannot be them, for them.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found this forum. We are here for you, no matter what. Keep posting. We get it and we care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 658512, member: 17542"] Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry. I think your story is instructive in that we never know what is going to happen. Our dcs may get better, and then they can get worse. They may be worse, and then they can get better. Just like all of life. For some reason, we put the "daily forecast" with our dcs at the top of the list but it's true about all of life. Everybody and everything. I can only imagine your hope when he came out of the bad times and started functioning well, and then the crash when things started to go down again. Your situation is a strong testament to the need to live in the here and now with every aspect of our lives. We only have right now. We only have this minute. What are we going to do with it? Are we going to "give it away" to someone else in terms of our thoughts and our focus? I know I do at times and many of us do. We love our kids so much yet we are powerless to do anything substantive to change their lives. We can only stand by and watch and pray and hope. So, while we are doing that, what do we do with ourselves and that anxious energy that is created? We use that time and that energy to focus on us. We start to read and study and work on ourselves. There is a lot of work to be done on us, everybody has the same work to do, but many don't do it. Why? They never have to. We have to here, on this board, in order to be happy, joyous, serene, contented, peaceful human beings. And it is possible to feel and behave that way, even if our precious dcs are off the rails. The good thing about him being in jail is that it is very likely that he will have little to no access to drugs and even if he can get drugs at all, he won't get enough to be able to abuse them. That way, you and others will be able to see, once he is free from substances, what his mental state is. I have been told over and over by professionals that there is no way to diagnose any kind of mental illness until the substance abuse stops (drugs, alcohol, etc.). Substance abuse is a primary mental health diagnosis, just like depression, schizophrenia, etc., are. And as we all know, abusing drugs and alcohol can cause all kinds of bizarre behavior and thinking so until that stops, there is no way to address anything else that might occur. And I have been told story after story about no matter how bizarre the thinking and behavior are, it can all correct itself after the substance abuse stops. I also realize that substance abuse can trigger and cause other, long-term mental health problems, and sometimes those problems will surface even if or regardless of the use of substances. Perhaps your son is in this category? If he is, and he is to have a mental illness that is not connected to ongoing substance abuse, the approach is the same. He will have to get treatment, and adhere to that treatment consistently in order to be able to live and function effectively in the world. What if he won't? Or it doesn't work? As an adult who can understand day from night, it is his responsibility to take care of his own mental health and physical health and emotional health, etc. You can't do it for him. You just can't. I am peeling away the layers here because we can go round and round and round with all of this. We can drive ourselves nuts with all of the variables, what if this, what if that, well, one time, etc. Ultimately, we have to accept that we and our grown children are not the same people, and we can't and don't have the same responsibility or influence we once had, when they were growing up, when we were their mothers and fathers. It is very hard to accept this, because we want so much for them and we love them so much. And it is so painful to watch their pain and stumbling around and dysfunction and damaging behavior. We can help them get evaluated and get treatment and support positive steps (not do it for them, but support and encourage them) but in the end, we cannot be them, for them. I'm glad you found this forum. We are here for you, no matter what. Keep posting. We get it and we care. [/QUOTE]
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