Absent father's girlfriend posted photo of difficult child on the web - "My family".

[Shari]

This makes me ill.

She posted a photo of difficult child and her on a website and says "My Family". The photo was taken when she went to grandma's to bring him a birthday gift.

Apparently, she's doing her best to see him twice a week, too.

Last night, wee difficult child told me he "misses his old dad, cause they used to play together, and he bought cool toys and stuff." Now I know where that came from.

His dad left when wee difficult child was 6 months old. The last time the man had difficult child was Mother's Day 2003.

This will stop. difficult child doesn't need this on top of everything else. I don't need to deal with the fallout.

 

[AnnieO]

How about she takes a turn dealing with the system that you're having to navigate? If she thinks she's really family. Family is right there along with ya!

Mother's day 2003? Hmm, apparently this is a really close-knit "family".

Please don't take it too personally. This girl is obviously trying to get on biodad's good side by getting under your skin. Don't let her.

 

[Shari]

No, she really wants to mother that kid. She was a SpEd student when exMIL was a teacher in the district. She's low functioning, at best. ExMIL says she'd take him home tomorrow if anyone would let her. She has a son with ADHD so she thinks she can handle him. ExMIL says she has no idea.

This should actually probably be in the water cooler. Its just irritating to fight the fight I do for him and then have this BS on top of it.

 

[AnnieO]

Err... From what I've seen having a kid with ADHD would be the tip of the iceberg.

I'm liking your ex-mother in law better every day. Weird, but it works - !

I just don't GET people like that... Probably because that's not me. I HOPE.

 

[trinityroyal]

Shari, I think that's quite worrying.

Like you need the extra load on your shoulders right now, but is there anything you can do legally to stop her? She has no legal status or standing in your difficult child's life, and I think that posting a picture of him on the internet is a gross violation of his privacy, not to mention creepy as all get-out.

Sounds like she's already starting to confuse wee difficult child with made-up stories about "how things used to be", which could be destructive to his well-being.

Any sort of cease-and-desist type thing you can put in place?

Or perhaps strong rope, duct tape and an empty cellar somewhere? just joking, but HONESTLY!

Trinity

 

[Shari]

ExMIL and I, we've had our differences, as any family does. No one's perfect, but the ex family has been very supportive from the git-go. This girlfriend may be a problem...tho exMIL doesn't want her around difficult child, she also doesn't want to drive DEX away from her, because it means DEX isn't living in her barn (yes, he lived in her barn til he got this girlfriend). I don't want DEX living in her barn, either, but I need to keep difficult child stable, and this girlfriend is jeopardizing that. Hopefully we can come to an agreement withot it being an issue.

I'm going to modify the decree to get sole custody and limit visitation to help with the medicaid thing. I hope, anyway.

 

[eekysign]

Apparently, she's doing her best to see him twice a week, too.

Last night, wee difficult child told me he "misses his old dad, cause they used to play together, and he bought cool toys and stuff." Now I know where that came from.

His dad left when wee difficult child was 6 months old. The last time the man had difficult child was Mother's Day 2003.

Shari, I am SO missing something....haha, you have no idea how confused I am right now. Wee difficult child is 6 y/o? And his dad had him last 6 years ago? So how does wee difficult child remember him? Are we talking about the other difficult child? And if Dad isn't seeing him, how on earth is new girlfriend allowed to see him twice a week?

I am soooooooooo confused. Help!

 

[Shari]

Wee difficult child is 7 now. Sorry (I'll fix that).

Wee difficult child doesn't remember his bio dad. But we are still close to bio-dad's family, so, over time, he has learned that this other guy that shows up at grandma's every now and again is "the dad at grandma's house". It has only been in the last year and a half that he will recognize bio dad if he's out of context (if we see him in town or somewhere other than at grandma's). He has called husband dad for a couple of years now, started on his own accord, and everyone agreed it was ok, so no one corrects him.

Bio Dad does not see him. He'll occassionally see difficult child if difficult child's at grandma's when dad stops by to see grandma (usually to get something from her), but never makes a point to see difficult child on purpose. Not since Mother's Day 03 - last time he made a point to see the kid. But dad has a new girlfriend and new girlfriend is obsessed with dad's family. She has a whole fantasy thing going on...she bothers difficult child 1 and his wife all the time, says she's going out when the baby is born tho they've told her they don't want them there, etc. She makes a point to go to grandmas to see difficult child 2 after school twice a week (I didn't realize this), and thru her, difficult child is starting to ask questions about his "old dad". Before, my husband was dad and difficult child was secure in that, and the whole family thought that was best, the ex-in-law's included.

ExMIL says this woman has more pictures of husband's family than her house, her other 2 son's house, and my house combined (I still keep photos of all the family).

Bio dad has never even given gifts for birthday or holiday, and girlfriend has bought tons o carp since she's been in the picture....thus difficult child is equating old dad to cool stuff and good times. Not good.

Make more sense? I hang out with my ex-in-laws. They like me better than the current in-law's. And I like them. LOL

 

[trinityroyal]

Shari, if you're dealing with the sole custody matter anyway, then there must be some way to include a provision that the nutbar girlfriend not have access to wee difficult child.

She's messing with his head, and upsetting the foundations on which he has understood his life up until now. With a neurotypical 7 year old that would be bad enough, but with a 7 year old that has behavioural and other issues, it's downright dangerous and could set him back miles.

Could you get therapist or devped or psychiatrist or someone to write a letter indicating that it's dangerous for wee difficult child to be in contact with this woman? I don't know what sort of enforcement you'd be able to put in place, but she's clearly not interested in doing what's best for difficult child.

 

[Shari]

I'm checking on that. I shot his behavior therapist an email this morning.

 

[eekysign]

Oh my god, Shari. Now that I can get the situation, I'm horrified.

Her boyfriend, the actual father, has less than nothin' to do with your son, but she is trying to get involved in wee difficult child's life?

Oh yeah, that's something you could definitely put a stop to. WAY beyond creepy and inappropriate. I wonder if you can get a restraining order. What on earth.

*big hugs* to counteract creepy lady.

 

[Star*]

I'm not sure why this girlfriend is doing what she's doing - she should be concentrating on HER ADHD son and HER boyfriend (AKA your x)

I'm going to have to think a while on this - because I think if you go too much one way or the other it's (in the end) going to make it worse for your difficult child. I had thought maybe you could meet this woman at the house the days she's showing up at your xmil - hide your car or get dropped off. Then when she comes in - have it prearranged that your xmil take your son outside and tell her to sit down, shut up and listen carefully.

Tell her her advances are NOT welcome. Tell her that things are fine the way they are and that if she persists in bothering your family she CAN be served with papers for being a stalker. I know this because I did it.

I was thinking in the back of my head that once your x finds out this is touching a nerve in you he may decide to climb on the band wagon with girlfriend JUST to cause trouble - but I doubt it. I think a mere mention of increased or substantial child support could stop him cold.

I know the ENTIRE issue here is not to rock the boat that just steadied with your son. I'm sorry that girlfriend can't see this, but I'm amazed at the support one broom is giving you.

Best of luck - maybe this woman needs to stay busy with someone elses kids that have problems and win a name for herself - someoen should tell her that they need volunteers at the orphanage and her services would be WELCOME ther to "save" as many children as she could.

See where I'm going with that?

 

[Shari]

FWIW, Star, while you're thinking....she told difficult child 1's wife that DEX needed to talk to him. NEEDED. To get difficult child 1's wiefs phone number from her (only phone they have). She has then used that number to call repeatedly. DEX did not talk to difficult child 1.

Its not just wee difficult child. She's obsessed with "getting into" this whole family.

Her grandchild-to-be's name is the same as easy child 1's!

 

[AnnieO]

Telephone harassment, was, the last time I complained, still a crime - I think difficult child 1's wife might have to file a complaint or something.

This woman is nuts. I was under the impression that the x hadn't even seen the child since 2003. Which made me really confused at first. Now I'm really creeped out.

When husband and I were dating, after about 2 months I did have pics of the kids. But not online! Only in the house. And darn few of those.

I agree with Star. She needs to be warned, and if she does not cease and desist - ASAP - she needs to be served with at least a protective order.

My 2 cents.

 

[Shari]

I always feel like a hypocrit because I was difficult child 1's step-mom. I feel a little guilty not letting this woman in; after all, I was a step mom, too. However, I played the step-mom roll with difficult child 1. Even when he came to live with his dad and me, I refused to be the one to enroll him in school or find daycare, etc. Of course, up to that point, DEX had told me difficult child 1's mom and step dad were great parents. After difficult child 1 moved in with us and I started seeing the dealings with them, my ideas changed a bit. When she went to prison, they changed a lot. And by then, I had seen what a lack of a father DEX was, too, at that point, and I would have actually left DEX then had it not been for difficult child 1. Knowing what I know now about difficult child 1's bio parents? I should have left and taken him with me. Neither one would have bothered to fight me on it.

His bio mom has 3 other children. Two conceived while incarcerated. They ahve been in and out of foster homes their entire lives. The oldest, a girl, now has a protective order against her mom and lives with other relatives.

The youngest, a boy with Down's...OMG...I went to a family thing that bio mom invited difficult child 1 to (he wouldn't go without me, but kinda wanted to go to see his grandparents on that side, so I went with him - he was maybe 9). Bio mo got tired of chasing the boy with Down's, so she just took his glasses away from him. If he couldn't see, he would just sit where he was for hours on end. That's how he spent that shin-dig...sitting in the middle of the yard, unable to see, therefore, not moving. She thought it was hysterical.

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, Shari! I had no clue, so I really stuck my foot in it huh?

As a stepmom, I try to be there for the kids, but the big stuff is husband. I have no problem taking them to appointments as needed... Or whatever. Since biomom's certifiable I try to be there for them. But I have made it clear that I am not their mother. STEP-mother (hence my screen name).

Anyhoo, don't feel like a hypocrite. She's not your child's stepmother and hopefully never will be. IF she gets to that point, THEN she can have pics. Not till then. But wee difficult child has enough to deal with, without psycho-girlfriend!

 

[trinityroyal]

Even if she DOES get to the point of being a step-mom, I still think she's a nut bar.

Shari, you have no reason to feel hypocritical. Look at the differences between your situations.

You lived in the same home as difficult child 1, from when he was a little lad. You saw him every day, and provided care and nurturing and love. So, although you never tried to replace his bio-mom, you still acted as a MOM to him. You've earned the right to a mom role in your difficult child 1's life.

Nut-bar girlfriend has never lived with, or loved, or even been formally introduced to your wee difficult child. She has accosted him at a gas station and given him hugs, told him made up stories about the good times that he used to have with sperm-donor, etc. She hasn't spent even 5 minutes being a MOM to wee difficult child, and yet she wants to claim the mom mantle for herself.

Weird, weird, weird.

No reason in the world to feel hypocritical. No reason at all.

 

[Shari]

Oh, no, ST2! I didn't mean it that way at all! Step-mom's, even those who take a backseat roll, are awesome, and its a thankless job!

I'm literally just saying I feel a bit hypocritcal by being so against this relationship. It would be great for difficult child's father to be an adequate parent and a part of his life...but its not in the cards. Even easy child 2's mother (aka one broom), she emotionally blackmails easy child 2 and is not a very nice person, but she's a half-way adequate parent, we don't fear for easy child 2's overall well-being when she's there. Things could certainly be better for easy child 2, but they could easily be far, far worse.

Thanks, Trinity. I think the situation is grossly different, too. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't keep a kid from a bio parent, either. I will with difficult child 2, tho, if DEX ever decides to push the visit issue. He was physically abusive to difficult child 1, and difficult child 2 is WAY harder to handle. I have no doubt how it would end up.

 

[AnnieO]

Didn't take it as stepmoms were awful! LOL there really isn't enough out there about stepmothers besides Cinderella's. Have you ever tried finding books about step-parenting that aren't dryer than cotton balls? (Or that don't beat you over the head with, "Don't try to be their bio parent"?!)

 

[Shari]

ST2, you're right! They paint us a pretty picture, don't they? lol

Its sad, too, cause I think step-parents could play such a valuable role. Instead of one partner to help raise a child, you chould have 3! And think what it could be if everyone worked together...

Just makes me sad.