Absolute hell, she punched me in the face!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Dec 1, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello everyone. I hope all is well with all of you and that you all had a nice holiday. I haven't been on in a few days as it has been chaos here. Things are as bad as ever, I just can't imagine them getting any worse!!! My daughter is a mess. So much has happened in the last few days, I don't even know where to begin.

    Thanksgiving: The morning was rocky. She was in a mood and was very edgy and nasty. Getting very angry over nothing. Most of the day was okay. We allowed her to bring a friend over to eat. She was showing off a bit, cursing and being very loud and obnoxious. Her usual BS. Later on in the evening we had company. My sister's friends came by. That's when all hell broke loose. My son was doing something on the computer and she wanted to get on. My sister told her to wait until he was finished. Well that just set her off. She went into a rage, cursing, threatening, banging, she was just out of control. We were so embarrassed!!! This went on for a few HOURS!!! The mouth on her is absolutely disgusting. It's not only what she says, it's the way she says it. I couldn't even describe it in words, you have to witness it to truly understand just how bad it is. So after hours of this abuse we finally called the police. They came and of course one of the officers had been here before so he knew what to expect. We discussed bringing her to the hospital, however we still had company and it was Thanksgiving for pete's sake!!! Besides, she knows how to play the game, she knows what to say and what not to say to avoid an in-patient stay. So the cops calmed her down and told her to go to her room and stay. They told her if they had to come back she was going to the hospital. After they left she did calm down, she ate some food and then went to bed. Since coming home from jail she had 3 good days and the rest have been similar to this one. So for the past 6-7 days she has been horrific!!! Oh but it gets worse.......

    Saturday: She was pretty much in and out all day. Nasty mood and very agitated. My sister went out that night and a friend of ours came over to hang out with me and the kids. My husband was upstairs in our apartment and we were downstairs in my sister's apartment. Me, my friend, my nephew and my son were playing a board game. We were having a good time and then the monster came home. Keep in mind that my sister has been locking her door to keep my daughter out of her house. She just is so fed up with her she doesn't want to be around her. So she comes in my sister's house and gets on the computer. After the episode on Thanksgiving my daughter is no longer allowed on my sister's computer. So I told her she had to get off and get out of the apartment. She rants and raves a little and then leaves. I didn't realize it at first, but she and a boy were hanging out in the hallway. So I opened the door and told her to leave. She knows she is not allowed to just bring people here without my permission anymore. She was not happy and cursed at me a little bit. I locked the door and she began banging on it. Yelling at me to open the f-ing door, she wasn't finished with the computer. She banged and banged. I opened the door and it must have hit her and she freaked out. She literally PUNCHED me dead in the face!!!! Right in front of the kids!!! My son instantly started crying and my nephew screamed "f**k!!!" He got up to defend me. Thankfully my friend stopped him. She brought the kids into the other room to calm them down. I went screaming up the stairs yelling to my husband to call the police. I thought he was going to beat the hell out of my daughter!!! As he is calling the cops, she is now crying and begging us not to call. "Please mommy, I am sorry, you hit me first, please, please!!!" After seeing that my husband did follow through with the phone call, she and her friend took off. I haven't seen or heard from her since. The cops came. Some of you might remember that because she stole my husband's credit card there was an order of protection put in place so that she cannot harass him in anyway. So we figured all we would have to do was explain that to the police and she would be arrested for assaulting me and violating the order. Well, that's not how it went down. Once again one of the cops had been here before and knew our situation. We explained to them what had happened and told them we want her arrested and we want to press charges on her for assault. NOT!!! They said they could not arrest her because it was just a domestic dispute. The order of protection is not on file at the police station so they couldn't do anything about that either. I am so confused. If I punched her in the face I would be arrested, but she is allowed to assault me and get away with it?? I just don't understand. We told the cops that we were not letting her in the house if she came home. They said to leave the door locked and if she came back to call them. Great, for what? They aren't going to arrest her so what do I need them for? Well. she didn't come back and we haven't heard from her since. She is probably scared to come home because she thinks she will go back to jail. She is now in violation of her curfew. I am not letting her back in here no matter what!!! They can haul me off to jail, I am not going to subject my son or my nephew to anymore of this craziness. My poor son has anxiety as it is and now he is a nervous wreck!!!! I am going to call the DA off the hook until I get answers. What am I supposed to do now? She just cannot live here any longer. She literally punched me right in my nose!!!! I wish she would have broke my nose. The police said that it would have been different if there was a visible injury!!! I feel like I am dreaming. I just cannot believe things are this bad. My entire family is just sick of all of this. We just can't take no more!!!!

    I hate this life. I can't stop crying, I am sad all of the time, not only am I fed up but I am also worried about her. She called my husband and told him she was leaving the state. So what if she really does? She is totally unstable and I am afraid of what she will do. I am done, I have no energy left for this, I no longer have the drive to help her anymore. I want so much to wash my hands of her yet I love her so much at the same time. Urrgghh!!!! This just stinks!!! I hate having all of these emotions. I want off this roller coaster of hell. I just can't do this anymore. How on earth can she punch me in the face and then live in her own skin. I would have such guilt if I did that to my mom. I have done so much for this kid. I have worried and cried so much over the years. And she couldn't care any less. She blames me for everything. She feels like I am the enemy. Meanwhile I would give my life for this child. I would do ANYTHING for her. All I get in return for my dedication to her is abuse. It is sick. She is at her absolute worst. So, now I will be looking to get my son therapy. Having a child with mental illness affects everyone and everything in your life!!! It is just so unfair. I am so ANGRY that this is happening to us. I am angry with God, why did he give this to us? Why??????

    Thanks for listening,

    Shawna :(
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Gee, what a disheartening situation, Bran. I don't buy it that the cops couldn't arrest her either. I'm sure all the laws vary from state to state, but I honestly believe they could arrest her- my son was arrested at 11 yo for hitting me and I didn't even say I wanted to press charges. I had called police because difficult child stormed out of the house right after he hit me and I didn't know where he was and it was at night. I called police to tell them what happened and asked that they help find him. They found difficult child and stopped by my house to tell me so I wouldn't be worried, then took difficult child in to book him.

    I hope you are on the phone calling higher ups at the police station and the DA right now!!
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just wanted to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. I am crying with you. I can't take one more minute of my life either. My son was also picked up on Thanksgiving day by the police and put on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Now I am waiting to see if his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will let him come back. If not. What do I do? What do you do? M can't come live with me either because he punched me - and yet he is too emotionally volatile and immature to live on the streets. I just don't see the answers anymore for these kids. It seems you and I have exhausted every single thing - and yet we are expected to take more without resources, help, or hope.

    Please pm me if you ever need to vent - we will get through this, somehow, someway.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    If you see a therapist and tell them that your kid abuses you, is the therapist required to report it and get some ball rolling to get the situation changed?
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    HUGE HUGE HUGS girl- wow you and your family have certainly been through an awful lot. It seems when things like this happen to us that no one could possibly understand or have EVER gone through anything like this. I can...in spades. So can a bunch of others whom I am sure will come along and give you sage advice.

    When you are in a tornado it's very hard to see anything else but the whirling dervish. There's not a lot of room for reason, or understanding. We just want it to stop. What you're fortunate for is that it can, but you have to have a plan and be committed to sticking to it. These children and their disabilities are not something you can deal with on a daily basis without some sort of support system. You came here, so that tells me you're at least OPEN to talking about how to help everyone - daughter that you love included.

    So you may ask - PLAN? HOW in the HECK can ANYONE plan for something like this? Well, you can't obviously predict what your daughters moods are going to be, BUT you CAN have a battle plan in place and you, and husband who are the head of the house can guide the other children and your sister into action. You need to have a lot of open communication and everyone that is AN ADULT already know what to do IF:
    If she comes home pounding on the door - what is the consequence
    If she brings a boy home and is making out in the hall - what is the consequence?
    If she comes unglued in front of the children - what is the plan to get her stable? Do you talk to her, do a therapeutic hold, call the police? Or do you allow her to continually run your household, freak out the kids and escalate into more physical violence?
    You had NO plan other......than to call 911. And there is no shame in that EXCEPT - the police have LESS of a clue that you do about what to do with a mentally ill person....unless they have gone through CIT (Crisis intervention training) they don't GET what is going on in your house - most would belive she is on drugs....drinking....whatever and to their credit that's all they COULD assume without proper training.

    I think today what you can do is file a petition of incorrigibility with your family court. It may get her placed in front of the same judge that said - OH I see - I did X and you did NOTHING - so here's the next PLAN.....
    I didn't see anything that said what the NEXT step was for her - what were the consequences if she violated her probation? Why weren't those written down for you to SHOW an officer? I think I'd start there.

    And it is absolutely the sickest thing to have to deal with our kids when they are raging and fighting whatever it is that propells them. Lack of self control is evident - but HOW does that change? You love them always but like them seldom and THAT weighs heavy on a Mother's heart, and a families stability.

    You all (EVERYONE OF YOU) need to be in some type of therapy or family therapy to ge a plan together. IF sissy does X - HERES where brother goes, HERE is what MOM says, HERE is what DAD does, here's what Auntie does and says.....not everyone wanting to pound this kid into poo (which is the most obvious emotion) but you have to be able to GRAB this tornado and say NOPE - I KNOW HOW TO DEesCALATE this situation - and get training for everyone AND therapy for the PTSD that you are all suffering from at enormous proportions.

    I now know that HOW I say something is WAY more important than what I say and how to SAY that in conversation while your kid is having a gigantic fit? TAKES A LOT OF PRACTICE....but it can be done. It's like a nurse at an auto wreck....literally - the rest of us have no idea what to do, so we may do the wrong thing. A person who has had training in helping knows EXACTLY what to do and how to do it to lessen the possibility of worse things happening. I'm not a nurse - so if there is a traffic accident - I can only DO WHAT I KNOW TO DO - maybe keep pressure on a wound or NOT move someone - or pull them from a burning car....but a nurse or EMT ? They go into a "mindset" and know what is best.

    You have to get training like that - and be prepared, and prepare yourself with lessons on walking away - ignoring things, (and yes I know you ignore a LOT) and knowing what her triggers are and how to point HER in the direction of help - maybe she'll take it - maybe she won't. You can not live your kids' life for them or make their choices for them to most degrees.

    As far as prosecuting her for punching you in the face? Well if the cops said they can't? I'd be calling someone's captain or the judge that ALLOWED her to come home and DID NOT order her into some type of rehab program or Group home.

    I'm sorry you are having to go through this at all - I love my son with ALL my heart. With him in our home? It is utter chaos. WIth him out of the home? (and I've already had the 2 days where I cried for even thinking this) It's a lot easier on me, the dogs, even the rats are calmer. And I hate to think that way - but even Dude knows it's better. He doesn't WANT to argue, but he's learning he can't have his way in MY home. If he wants things to be HIS way? He can go find his own home.....and I'll support him in that - but he's finding out life is a LOT tougher on you when your parents pull the financial strings and let you dangle on your own merit. Tough love was harder on me that it was on him - but you need to detach from her or you're going to explode.

    If you need something to help you calm down your nerves? GO TO THE DOCTOR.....dont' wait until you have a gaping ulcer - you're all under a ton of stress...and now not knowing where she is will be even nore stress...you're going to ABSOLUTELY need a professional to talk to about this.

    And......get a plan -

  6. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    ((((HUGS)))) Take some deep breaths and then research your state laws on domestic abuse etc. So sorry to see you go thru all this.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    and .......my last thought - since she DID punch you in the face is for you to figure out

    a.) do I allow her to get away with punching me in the face or do I pursue this. If I pursue it - what lesson will this teach her?


    b.) did I startle her when I shoved the door open and this was just an accident because I also was upset and out of control?

    If your gut says a.) then you need to pursue this and not allow her to get away with hitting.

    If your gut says b.) then you need to find her, and sit down and tell her that hitting solves NOTHING, and that the way you opened the door was ALSO inappropriate behavior - HOWEVER - you feel she needs to (XXXX) and that XXXXX is your PLAN with a therapist.....
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Bran...hugs. I can't believe the police didn't arrest her. Being punched in the face is clearly assault. The "just a domestic dispute" logic doesn't fly here in CA...somebody gets locked up. Keep calling everybody you can think of at the police station, DA's office, county supervisors, your congressman? I don't know who would be able to help, but hopefully with enough phone calls, someone will have an answer for you. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs Bran~

    I agree with Star that you need to take a step back and re-evaluate the way everything happened. Not that it makes it okay, but from my own experience with my difficult child, I can see how my behavior sometimes exacerbated certain already heated situations - ie., the opening of the door startling her...etc. Again, that doesn't make her hitting you okay; that still needs to be addressed and perhaps having her arrested is the only way to get the message across to her that violence is not a form of resolution in your home...how it affects her brother and cousin, H, etc.

    I think if I were you I would meet with your family therapist asap for some personal support. Also contact the police headquarters to find out exactly how this is a non-arrestable situation, ESPECIALLY considering your family's past history with that police station!
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    How does your face look today? Any bruising or swelling? Take pictures so that you can verify for them that something has happened.

    From the 3 calm days then losing it, and the boy haning out, it strikes me that one of two things is happening. 1) She is off of her medications. 2) She is taking recreational drugs.

    I hope the DA will violate her probation. It's awful that they released her to your home when you had a safe place for her to go. She'll be even more difficult and more self-endangering this time as she won't want to go back to jail.
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I made several phone calls this morning. I found out the court did not do what they were supposed to. My daughter is supposed to be under the care of a program called T.A.S.K, they monitor her treatment, make sure she takes her medications and attends any and all appts. made for her....and so forth. I was told by her lawyer that they would contact me right away. Okay so a week and a half goes by and no phone call from them. Come to find out we were supposed to have in our possession, a copy of a referal with the judges sig. on it. I was then supposed to make an appointment. to bring my daughter in for a screening!!!! What??? I can't do that at this point as she is not here!!!!

    I spoke to my DSS case manager, she actually returned my phone call! She has put out a warrant for my daughter's arrest. Once in custody she will be remanded to the Juneville Detention Center instead of County Jail as she is now in violation of the Family Court. She is still under their care until she is 18. I told her that I will not let her in my house, that I now have to protect my other child. She has been my sole focus to life for so many years, it's now my son's turn. I have done everything in my power to help my daughter, there just isn't anything left I can do. She has to do it now. I must make my son a priority now, he deserves protection. If and when she comes home I am to call the police and explain the situation and she will be arrested. At least now she will get a full evaluation and back on her medications. I would feel a lot better if she were in Juvie, much better environment than Jail. She will recieve services she wouldn't if she were in Jail. Now I just have to hope and pray that she, either comes home or gets picked up. I will be a nervous wreck until we know where she is!!!! This never ends.

    Thank you guys for the advice and support. I was thinking the same thing, if the door hit her than maybe she felt provoked. But how is it ever okay to punch your mother in the face??? I mean this is by far the first violent incident, she has hit me and spit on me several times over the years!!! I am at the end of my rope. I have nothing left to give. She has taken over every fiber of my being, I am a shell of me now. I got so lost in her world, I gave up all of me to help her. I have neglected other parts of myself for so long, too long. I have to let go and try to function in the other parts of my life. I was her marionette, she pulled the strings and I jumped. We perfected a dance over time, we learned how to feed off each other too well. We are now like poison to one another. I love her with all that I am. I will never stop worrying about her. When she is ready to embrace treatment and change then I will go to the ends of the earth for her. Until then, I must detach and work on living. My heart is so broken, my sadness consumes me, how do I begin to do that??? :(
  12. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Oh, Bran. I feel your heart aching over this child. It sounds as if she was getting mouthy and snarky before the punching incident happened. It is understandable you feel so down. You have done so much to try and help this child and yet it feels so hopeless.

    I hope one day she is able to see how much you love her. Take care of your son...he doesn't deserve the drama surrounding him. Hugs and peace to you and the rest of your family. I hope she comes home soon. So sorry this has happened again. I just don't know what to say except others are thinking of you during this time.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think you have done the right thing and the best thing for you, your son, and your daughter. I'm glad she'll be in juvy instead of adult court- there will be more chance for real help through that.
  14. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I am so sorry. How awful. I think BiPolar (BP) could be called rollercoasterdisease. There is just never any let up with some BiPolar (BP)'s.
    Why aren't we doing so much more to help this disorder?

    Domestic Violence hotlines are a place to start seeking where shelter may be available for the daughter. The abuser is not the primary focus of most dv shelters but their are "family" dv shelters where they are prepared for the theraputic intervention for the abusers as well. And getting the time into the dv programs in your area are a great step so that boundaries are in place and the behavor patterns are being looked at cleaarly in your home.
    I know I grew up in a violent home with the bipolar adult and their spouse. I was thrown across a room hit a bookcase that then rained down books on my head at about 11, for example.
    The seven year old does not need this to be happy.
    I am glade that you have the police involved and the steps you may have availabel may be through the treating doctor and the juvinal devisiion and the dv unit t get her into the intensive care psyciatricly.
    Harm to self and others? Yes.. yes.
    I am so sorry you were hurt. That this happened and that it is not a simple matter. What is clear is your family members deserve to have some peace at home for a change. GEEZZZ.
    The filing of the TRO with the police is important. Why it is good for you to do it is it doesn't get lost and hopefully you then have a copy of the order with the departments own filling date stamp...yeah? Beuracatric red tape at its finest. But the reason is so they are not liable when the papers are lost at the police department. It is one more step that someone who needs a TRO has to take.
    Domestic Violence is sso not fun or fair. Some people make interfamilia visits absolutely impossible.
    TAke good care. Plan a fun relaxing diversion for the rest of the family. I feel the hot tub is the best recharge spot. Oh yes I did say RE LAX it is short for relaxation. IT is just this side of Pampering. But you have been dealing with extremes so start with one step toward wholesafeloved by just calming everyone.
    Calm you. No one wants this. It is awful.
  15. sometimes when we love someone we have to set them free and sometimes they come back to us and sometimes they dont... I am truly sorry for all of the anguish that you and your family are going through right now... you have to take care of yourself and your son too otherwise she has complete control in her mind... my mom did what she could with me when i struggled with mental illness as a teen .. but there came a point when i had to step up and do soemthing for myself to help myself... it was either do or die for me at that point and my mom had to step back and watch while i hovered at the edge of a steep ravine and it was hard for her but in the end it worked i realised i had to work at getting better ... again im really sorry for all of your hurt i cant promise it will get better but i can say that there is always hope for a better day
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Bran just wanting to send my support as well. Such a carpy situation for all of you. I like Star*s systematic approach. If nothing else it may give you tasks and keep your mind on something else plus it will help you be prepared.
    Something none of us were, when we were giving these children. Or our own diagnosis's.
    Preparation, patience and hope...
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Bran. {{{hugs}}

    I have to say, the entire time I was reading your note, I was thinking, what about her medications? Is she taking them? And then I saw your followup note and thought hmmm... something is missing here. Sigh.

    I agree that your daughter could have been provoked by the door. However, I more than agree that she had no right to hit you. We've all been provoked. She. Has. To. Learn. Period.

    I know the ambivalence about worrying at the same time you are angry and fed up. I am sending clarity and strength.

    I am so glad your phone call was returned and there is a warrant out.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    It is NEVER okay to punch someone. In my home it's basically your funeral if you even raise a hand to me after my abusive marriage. So how in the world could I ask such a question of you?

    My thought which I could have explained a little better was that over the years - watching my son react to my reactions has taught me a lot. Was it ever okay that she hit you? No. My question was loosely based on - Did you provoke it by also being out of control, maybe you had accidentally hit HER with the door on accident, and she just reacted? If you were yelling, and escalating the situation and it was chaos - in her condition she may NOT have been able to consider alternative ways to handle the situation.

    I'm not blaming either because...I've been there.

    Today and right now it doesn't seem like you can ever being to heal. Your brain is chaotic, your house is better, and your heart is torn. Remember to tell yourself that you are ONLY human and that being a Mom does NOT mean you have every answer. Don't be too hard on yourself. Also - for the first few days you may not want to take those collect calls and just allow your daugther time to process what she's done.

    I always wondered in the back of my mind when Dude and I had a blow out argument - did he run away on his bike and feels bad for what HE said as well OR is he just riding his bike and laughing with friends as if it never happened and I'm the one left holding all the guilt. Part of me really wanted to know - the other part said I was better off NEVER knowing.

    In your daughters case? This has been taken OUT of your hands the day the judge assigned TASK.....so she has made these choices for herself. She sat in that courtroom and listened to the judge and the atty. and everyone else involved and she (ugh hate to say it) made her own choices with the boy in the hall and the yelling and screaming. I guess I have found myself in the same position trying to defend and amend. Trying to tell everyone that he CAN NOT control it - and the world says "Oh yes he can." Certainly couldn't have convinced me of that years ago before therapy. Now he's doing much better. - Really. Still has a temper....but uses tools he learned in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), hospital, Department of Juvenile Justice, therapy to calm himself.....now he'll say "LEave ME ALONE _ I NEED TO GO WALK." and .....we do.

    He comes back when he's able to talk and think.

    I will tell you this if it makes you feel any better. My son raised his hand to me ONE time. I blacked out. Lucky for him - he ran away. After being abused I do not know if -had he hit me - he would be around to tell anyone. Even the officer told him when they found him - "I can't believe you would raise your hand to woman. -let alone your mother....AND one that big."

    So I applaud you for not hitting her back. I think you have a very good idea of what you want in life now - I hope you have the courage to go get it. And good for your son as well - I'm sure everyone in your house is tired of being controlled by your daughters behaviors.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry this all happened. I can't say I am surprised. I pretty much expected something like this when they sent her home. She truly NEEDS a lockdown facility.

    I sending all the support I can to you. I KNOW this is hard.

    PLEASE take a picture of your face EVERY DAY from now until it heals. You may need that to prove that she hit you. It also may give you the strenght to NOT FORGET and to insist that the courts find a better placement.

    You need to contact the lawyer or the judge to find out how to get that signed decree. As her legal guardian YOU might end up in legal trouble if things get squirrley. Ask klmno how strange the legal system can be.

    Do NOT LET HER IN YOUR HOME. Keep your front door and back door locked at ALL times. If she has a key get the locks changed.

    You really DO have to focus you your other child. It will take many many therapy sessions AND seeing you stand up to your daughter and not let her in to help make him feel safe.

    Did you ever go through HIS room to see what she hid in there? That is a pretty classic hiding place for kids in trouble - in the "good" siblings room. Esp between mattresses or under the bed or in the closet.

    It really IS time to make sure that there is nothing hidden in his room. because nothing hidden could be good for him. (My bro hid various illegal substances in my room until he learned I would tamper with them. Nothing messes up your chew like Dawn, or your pills like having the capsules emptied and filled with flour. Or, since he had a anasty ulcer, dried red pepper. Yes, I did those things. I even found a hidden cache of skoal in a heating vent between our room. He had gotten a "deal" on the equivalent of a carton of it. It stunk up MY room, and so each and EVERY can was filled with either Dawn or ipecac. Either way it made him BARF and he had NO WAY to tattle to mom and dad. Actually my dad knew - he caught me doing it. His dad died of cancer from cigarrettes, so he totally supported me..)

    Anyway, you son is scared now. He also feels he has to act out to get attention, because your daughter acts out and gets most of the attention. You BOTH need counselling to work on breaking this cycle. And he needs someone he can talk to (therapist) because he is most likely TERRIFIED of her.

    I hope the courts can follow through and find a placement that helps her, or at least keeps her AWAY from you. You may need to file for a restraining order against her. It might help you push the courts to place her and NOT send her home.

    Gentle, caring hugs.

    If you want to talk about some of the ways this may be affecting your son, feel free to PM me. I was the "other child" in a family with a difficult child.
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm sorry i'm so so late to this. I haven't been on all day long. I'm so sorry to hear this happened. I'm around if you want to pm. My thoughts are with you, i'm sorry that you are going through so much.