Absolutely terrified....

[cazkenton2003]

My new partner has informed me he's coming to visit us the first week of June.
He's flying all the way from LA to come see us in London. He's told me, in order for things to progress between us, he wants to meet my children.
He's paid out a lot of money on a visa and flights, to spend time with us here.

In a `normal` setting, most women would be elated to spend time with their new man.
However...with easy child and difficult child constantly on each other, with the fighting and non-stop arguing...I'm absolutely terrified!

In all of the 4 brief relationships I've had since 2000...all of them ended up walking away because they couldn't cope with difficult child.
One man got sprayed in the eyes with perfume. Another got poked in the eyes while difficult child stood there smirking...and the last relationship I had in 2004, he walked away because difficult child whacked him around the head so hard with a towel rail, the rail bent.

ExH is happily married again and knows how much stress she can cause. I've asked him that when partner comes, could he take difficult child for a few days? He said no.
I'm fed up with being lonely. None of my friends come over anymore and a few friendships have been ruined, so babysitting is not an option as no-one wants to do it.
Can anyone offer me any advice as to how to prepare for this? I'm dreading this visit, even though I shouldn't be. But spending out all that money and spending a week with easy child and difficult child, it's enough to drive anyone bananas.

I just want to find my happiness but feeling constantly held back by fear and gfgness.

 

[Stella Johnson]

If you aren't ready for him to meet them, then it isn't time. He should respect your wishes. Yes, the kids are a part of you but you need to make sure he is worth letting him meet your children.

I am also a single mother. I know it is tough and our kids do run men off.... but in the long run the man that runs probably isn't the one for you anyway. If a little girl can scare them off, then anything would have. (yes I know difficult children are extreme when they pull this stuff)

How new is this guy? How much time have you spent with him?

Steph

 

[Sunlight]

kids can certainly interfere in any relationship.
I am thinking you have to be very creative in finding babysitting solutions. do they have friends whose moms will trade sitting for?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Couple of questions. Have you met this man in person yet? Have the children met him? Is he aware that your daughter is a difficult child? And why won't ex take the kids for 1/2 the time he's here? Does he take the children any other times?

Sorry, I seem to have more questions than suggestions. I agree wtih Steph that you have to tread carefully when you are introducing someone to your kids. Did he ask you before he made all these plans to come and visit or was it a suprise?

You are the one with the children. He will have to be accomodating to you. Since the kids are in school, perhaps you can see him at times during the day and go out a few evenings and get a sitter and then spend a couple evenings at home. Don't plan anything that require the kids to be on their behavior (formal dinner with the good china). Maybe a dinner out at a place where the kids can play games, or a night of making homemade pizzas and movies. I assume he won't be staying with you so perhaps the kids will be ok in small doses.

I would talk to ex again and advise him of his responsibiity towards his children (and I don't say this lightly because I have a bonehead ex as well!).

Sharon

 

[KFld]

I don't blame you for being terrified. I know there was nothing funny about your post, but I was just imagining everyone who walked into your house getting poked or sprayed and it made me giggle :smile:

I wonder if telling your new partner these stories and warning him ahead of time might help him to be a little less surprised.

 

[totoro]

I have nothing to offer except a big hug of support. I am sorry, I do know the feeling of lonliness... I have few friends and when husband is out of town it is sometimes pretty hard.
Hang in there.

 

[hearts and roses]

I agree with sharon and karen and have some of the same questions...have you ever spent time alone with him yet? If not, wouldn't it be better to be more acquainted before he is introduced to the chillins? Is he aware of difficult child's issues and the stress is puts on you? Will he be staying at a hotel while in town visiting? I think that would best so you and the kids can regroup as he can also.

I think some structured time with some site seeing is a good way to spend some time with the kids and then perhaps line up some babysitter or caregiver to help so you and your SO can get some adult time in as well. Perhaps you can work out a loose schedule to follow for the days when SO is around. Perhaps you can appeal to exh to split some of the time that your SO is visiting - not the whole of it, maybe just a couple of days so it's less stressful.

I hope this is the right time to introduce SO to your kiddos, but please be sure you give SO fair warning of what he may be in for! Hugs, deep breaths...

 

[cazkenton2003]

Hi all, thanks for responses so far.

I've known this guy for about 3 years and have met up 3 times so far. I vacationed with him in LA at New year.(Needed the break) We're always on the phone or writing letters and online stuff too.

He did ask me if he could come here, so no unpleasant surprises.
He knows to a certain extent about difficult child but talking about it and expriencing it are 2 different things. He will be staying here with us, in my home for a week.

I've asked all her friends mum's and none of them want to take her. So babysitting isn't an option, which I knew about.
It's going to be a constant 24/7 kinda thing, except in school times (9am-3.30pm) which is why I'm totally dreading it.
He's never met the children before, but has spoke to them on the phone many times.
difficult child and easy child are really happy that he's coming to see us, although I'm sure it'll be a whole new thing once he's actually here.

 

[Stella Johnson]

I'm sorry, I know you are really lonely. I have been there done that. I just don't think him staying in your house for a week with the kids is a good idea.

Can you ask him to stay in a hotel and then you can see him during school hours for the kids? Maybe a couple of dinners with the kids?


Steph

 

[BusynMember]

Did you warn him in advance and tell him the worst? I always feel better laying all the cards on the table.

 

[Alisonlg]

The way you put it in your first post "in order for things to progress between us, he wants to meet my children." I almost get the impression that he's "asking for it" so to speak. LOL Know what I mean? As MWM said, have you told him the worst?

I understand being "together" for 3 years and the desire to probably want to save money on an already expensive trip, but you may want to still suggest that he get a hotel room for the week. Not that you don't want to spend every waking (or sleeping) moment with him, but you feel it best to take it slowly with your children and especially your difficult child who may not handle all the change so easily. This way, you can go on "dates" and have some alone time during school hours and if he happens to spend the night one or two nights, so be it...but you don't get stuck in the uncomfortable situation of him scrambling to find a hotel room in the unfortunate event that something goes array and now you have a rift in your relationship.