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Abused children who love thier parents dearlyuntil the end
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 633099" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>MWM, there are all kinds of abuse, as you know. Is physical worse than mental or emotional? It's all so damaging, I believe, but physical abuse is often highlighted because it is visible. </p><p></p><p>My dad, who is 82 years old today, has an explosive temper. He flies off the handle and always has. And because he was the biggest person in the house when we were growing up, there was little we could do. I was a fighter, which meant I was in trouble a lot more, mouthing off to him and ramping up the crisis for everybody. </p><p></p><p>His words and his temper, and how he was and is, affected me greatly. For years I would say that I hated him. Even into adulthood.</p><p></p><p>About 10 years ago he and I did not talk for a period of time---about a year---after he blew up here at my home. He and my mother were visiting for two nights, and we started talking about nursing homes. There was a special on TV about them. In the middle of a back and forth discussion about them, he completely lost it and starting yelling at me. I had an "out of body" experience, and I got up from the chair, left the room, and stayed in my bathroom for the rest of the night. </p><p></p><p>The next day they left and I didn't speak to him for a year. I was done. I was not going to be a whipping boy any more. My family just wanted me to get over it. In fact, they excluded ME from a girls trip that same year. I was not going along with the family norm any more and I was disrupting things because of my decision not to be around him.</p><p></p><p>At the same time I was going to therapy and Al-Anon because of my now-ex-husband's alcoholism. I began to work through my feelings about my father along with everything else. Over that year, I began to change the way I viewed him and I have been able to forgive him for who he is.</p><p></p><p>He is a damaged human being himself. He was the youngest of 9 children, and because of an older sister's early death, his parents just stopped. They stopped parenting. He had to finish growing up on his own. He was a neglected child, and this was something that was openly discussed (made him furious as he sees his own parents as perfect) when my younger sister died and we were having Hospice counseling. My dad lives in denial. He has never grown up, really.</p><p></p><p>So today, how do I handle my relationship with this man, who is my father, and who I love, but who I am very cautious around. I don't trust my father's behavior. He still flies off the handle---and now even more frequently---over nothing, due to his age, his own physical and mental infirmities (which I know are very upsetting to him) and my mother's declining health. He finds himself to be a caregiver, which he has very little capacity for. </p><p></p><p>I keep my distance. Just like difficult child, I can deal with my father in small doses. I give him a very wide berth and I guard my heart when I am around him.</p><p></p><p>It is reality. Today, I have come a long way toward accepting my father as a very flawed human being. Just like I am. </p><p></p><p>And I do love my father. I believe today that dealing with this helped me move forward, and helped me finally be able to leave my alcoholic ex-husband. I don't think I would have been able to without dealing with that first.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 633099, member: 17542"] MWM, there are all kinds of abuse, as you know. Is physical worse than mental or emotional? It's all so damaging, I believe, but physical abuse is often highlighted because it is visible. My dad, who is 82 years old today, has an explosive temper. He flies off the handle and always has. And because he was the biggest person in the house when we were growing up, there was little we could do. I was a fighter, which meant I was in trouble a lot more, mouthing off to him and ramping up the crisis for everybody. His words and his temper, and how he was and is, affected me greatly. For years I would say that I hated him. Even into adulthood. About 10 years ago he and I did not talk for a period of time---about a year---after he blew up here at my home. He and my mother were visiting for two nights, and we started talking about nursing homes. There was a special on TV about them. In the middle of a back and forth discussion about them, he completely lost it and starting yelling at me. I had an "out of body" experience, and I got up from the chair, left the room, and stayed in my bathroom for the rest of the night. The next day they left and I didn't speak to him for a year. I was done. I was not going to be a whipping boy any more. My family just wanted me to get over it. In fact, they excluded ME from a girls trip that same year. I was not going along with the family norm any more and I was disrupting things because of my decision not to be around him. At the same time I was going to therapy and Al-Anon because of my now-ex-husband's alcoholism. I began to work through my feelings about my father along with everything else. Over that year, I began to change the way I viewed him and I have been able to forgive him for who he is. He is a damaged human being himself. He was the youngest of 9 children, and because of an older sister's early death, his parents just stopped. They stopped parenting. He had to finish growing up on his own. He was a neglected child, and this was something that was openly discussed (made him furious as he sees his own parents as perfect) when my younger sister died and we were having Hospice counseling. My dad lives in denial. He has never grown up, really. So today, how do I handle my relationship with this man, who is my father, and who I love, but who I am very cautious around. I don't trust my father's behavior. He still flies off the handle---and now even more frequently---over nothing, due to his age, his own physical and mental infirmities (which I know are very upsetting to him) and my mother's declining health. He finds himself to be a caregiver, which he has very little capacity for. I keep my distance. Just like difficult child, I can deal with my father in small doses. I give him a very wide berth and I guard my heart when I am around him. It is reality. Today, I have come a long way toward accepting my father as a very flawed human being. Just like I am. And I do love my father. I believe today that dealing with this helped me move forward, and helped me finally be able to leave my alcoholic ex-husband. I don't think I would have been able to without dealing with that first. [/QUOTE]
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