abused on mother's day

[Weary for Hope]

I haven't been on here for a while, but needed to share this with someone.
I got back from 2 days away, celebrating my 40th birthday (which on that day my son made me cry - one thing he said was - "I could care less that it's your birthday"). I had a wonderful time away and we really needed the break from our difficult child.

This afternoon I began opening an envelope I found with-my name on it and found little handwritten gift certificates my son had made (for example: this is good for 1 free empty dishwasher). When he saw me opening up the envelope, he tore it out of my hand and ripped it up, yelling, "I take this back! You don't deserve this!" and he went into a huge rage where he threatened my husband 2 times with baseball bats (the first time with a metal bat that could have killed him). They had a stand off which lasted quite a while.

So quickly was my happiness dissipated by this mean child. Happy Mother's Day? You gotta be kidding! (my easy child is my dog and she's a total sweetheart).

On a positive note however, things are finally rolling. He has his first ever psychiatric testing being done a week from Monday (school is providing full evaluations because of an incident that happened at school - we tried to get help from school in the fall and got rejected). Plus we received forms to fill out from the school psychologist. Thank God! It's just been going on so long - we are so ready and desperately needing help.

A week ago Thursday he went into one of his rages (and I was alone with him - scary) and he had some strange behaviors. He picked up air saying it was my cell phone and thought that I had cussed at him, when I did not! (about the cell phone, I couldn't find it and he said, duh, it's obvious where it is, RIGHT behind you...he kept saying that..then, it's on the microwave). He has a lot of anger inside and is really hard to live with. Makes me feel worthless as a mom.

Thanks for listening.

Me and husband, 40 (daughter - a dog, age 11 )
Son, 10 1/2, 5th grade
adopted age 3 (no other kids yet - haven't been able to have them)
I'm sure he has ODD and probably CD
not sure what else, but huge rage and can't handle his emotions (yes, I've read The Explosive Child)

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry.
Could your son be at least partially upset because you went away for a few days? It certainly sounds like there is much more here. Soooo very glad he is set up to see a Phd and a psychiatrist (M.D.). It sounds like both may be in order.He could very well have an issue that needs treatment.
In the mean time, I would make sure he knows that inappropriate behavior will not be tolerate. Set up some household rules. Don't go overboard, but don't let your house be a war zone. AND don't tolerate rude, inconsiderate behavior. Have your husband or some other close relative speak to him about how he treats you. Hand out appropriate and logical consequences for inappropriate behaviors. Being "sick," doesn't excuse crazy/inapprorpriate/rude/over the top behavior.
Be logical and dispassionate. For example...if he talks on his cell phone late in the night...take it away for 48 hours. If he does it again, take it away for one week. If he is rude to you...maybe take away his computer saying that his communication skills need work. Try to make it as logical as possible (sometimes this is hard). But don't go overboard (6 months with-o a phone or computer for example), try to tie it into what was done and try your very best not to get emotional. Do NOT feel worthless. This makes things worse. Somehow let it be known that you feel good about yourself, know he can do better and expect to be treated better and expect him to act better. Let him know that you love him, but you will not tolerate rudeness. Let him know that you feel that he can and will do better.
Sending good thoughts that the docs can provide some insight/help.
In the mean time, hang in there....take good care of yourself!

 

[Weary for Hope]

Thanks, Nomad! I appreciate it. We do have rules posted on the fridge, but when he has episodes like this, we need to be sure that there are consequences! He doesn't have a cell phone. (he's not ready for that) Again, thank you very much.

 

[JJJ]

I'm glad the testing is so soon. Try and push for impaired reality testing and personality testing (T.A.T, sentence completion, etc). Those tests can tell alot about why our kids behave they way they do.

I'd also recommend a safety plan. Lock up all bats, knives, medications, etc. until he is more stable. I'd strongly recommended meeting with the psychiatrist/MD ASAP after the testing about getting him on medication. The violence has to be under control, or you will just be jumping from crisis to crisis.

 

[Running_for_the_shelter]

Hey, lady! Your son has serious issues but that doesn't mean you're a bad parent or person. You said " He has a lot of anger inside and is really hard to live with. Makes me feel worthless as a mom." You might want to see what kind of help you can get for yourself. It's wearing on a person to deal with angry child (mine had a lot of choice things to say to me today, like "NOT Happy Mother's Day!" and "I wish you didn't exist!") and you need tools to make yourself impervious to it emotionally. I don't cry when my son says his mean stuff. It's not real, in a way -- it's his illness, defect, condition, whatever word you want to use. Viktor Frankl said that the last of all human freedoms was the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. I remind myself of this -- that I can choose to be happy regardless of the chaos, disrespect etc.

But don't get me wrong -- you shouldn't have to have this behavior around in the first place. Frankly, though, "consequences" in the usual sense aren't going to do jack in my house. When my son gets angry, he doesn't even have rational thought. He used to lose all of his language skills, so I actually consider the hateful words to be progress. [Picking that attitude!] All I can do is try to intervene and help teach him some tools to increase the practically non-existent space between stimulus and response and to be able to use that space to make a good choice. I don't expect this to happen for about another five years. I believe this because my son is very much like me and I was about 15 before it all fell into place and I could actually make a reasonably good facsimile of a "normal" person most of the time.

Your situation is not the same, though. Your son is threatening people with metal bats. He is seeing cell phones that aren't there and possibly hearing a voice you don't hear. This is a place far beyond where "consequences" like taking away privileges is going to do anything. The sooner he is seen by qualified professionals, the better. And get more than one opinion! And please see what you can do for yourself -- you're not a "worthless mom" because your child didn't develop in the usual way.

Hang in there, lady. You have friends here.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome back, Weary.
Nothing like an episode like that to remind you that you ARE a mother. Argh.
So sorry he is so filled with-anger and has no way to cope except to take it out on you. I know, absolutely know, how that can wear you down. been there done that.
And about tearing the envelope out of your hand--yep, been there done that, too.
Don't take it out on yourself. Parenting these kids is not a normal parenting experience. Remind yourself of that.
That psychiatric visit can't some too soon. One thing that helped me was having my son act out in front of the dr. I mean, on the one hand it was embarrassing, but on the other hand, it was the best thing that ever happened. You can explain until you're blue in the face, but until the dr sees your kid in action, s/he won't be able to create a good diagnosis.
Fingers crossed!
In the meantime, get a therapist for yourself so you can vent to your heart's content. S/he'll surely tell you that you need those days away, to yourself, more than ever. Sometimes just walking around the yard helps.

 

[Weary for Hope]

I thank you all so much for your thoughtful messages.

 

[HaoZi]

How is it going? Any improvement? You holding up ok?

 

[Weary for Hope]

waiting for help....waiting, waiting.....every day is a struggle, but help is on the way.
Thanks for asking!