abused teenager (Help)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bayley123, Jul 15, 2010.

  1. bayley123

    bayley123 Guest

    Has anyone got any useful advice?
    2 years ago my partner took custody of his two girls. thier mother has Borderline (BPD) and consistantly emotionally abused both girls. The youngest has learning difficulties, so the abuse went over her head. the eldest who is now 15 is a nightmare. We have seen various (professionals). We have been told many things, ADHD, emotional disorder the latest is Asperges.
    She has no empathy, she does not understand or accept concequences, she lies habitually, covertly disobediant, she is underhanded and decitful. In the last 6 months I have noticed that when she is angry(either at herself, me or her father she will hurt others. Her disabled sister, slapping, poking with knitting needle and only today she kicked the family dog.
    Up until 2 years ago I was a calm placid human being. I'm not anymore. I have the difficult job of trying to help the eldest with her problems but more importantly, now, I have to protect her litle sister.
    Can anyone help?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like it's probably Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), reactive attachment disorder, a very sad and hard to treat disorder mostly happening to kids who had poor attachment to a caregiver when an infant and beyond. The kids learn they have to take care of themselves and #1 becomes all that matters and they stop wanting love or being able to have feelings for others. If you went to an adoption specialist, he or she would have brought up Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) right off the bat. Usually other stuff is mixed in with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) because parents who don't care for their kids after birth usually didn't take good care of themselves while pregnant (drinking, drugs) and often have mental health issues they can pass along. We adopted a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) boy and he killed two of our dogs. Then we found out he was molesting our younger kids and he had to leave. He had no idea why he did the things he did. We haven't seen or heard about him for years. She could also have a personality disorder...yes, they are inherited.

    Here's a link on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD):

  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm sending you LOTS of hugs, because when I read your post I thought for just a moment someone was posing as me! Well - not exactly, but could be. My younger has learning issues, older is a terror.

    More hugs... I have to say MWM's post has a lot of good information. While this may not be it, it's quite possible. There are a lot of other possible explanations. Why are you the one that must help the eldest and protect the youngest? I understand that your partner has custody - I'm a little concerned that YOU are the one with the responsibility. Can you give us more information?

    Welcome to the board, by the way. I found this place in desperation a year and a half ago, and have never left - there are so many people here that understand exactly.
  4. bayley123

    bayley123 Guest

    thanks for the reply
    My partner has responsibility through the courts, but he works long hours and I am the main carer for the girls.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK... couple of things. One, what she is doing to her sister is domestic violence. Even if abused, at 15 y/o she is old enough to know right from wrong and choose appropriately. Is she on any medications?

    Honestly - if you are having to physically protect the younger one, your partner really needs to look at serious treatment - or the older will end up in the juvenile justice system or worse. They won't HELP, just "punish".
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Welcome to the site. Our difficult child's really create havoc and frustration year after year.
    Obviously, we don't know any more than you have shared so far but if you think she is out of the norm of her peers and age group
    then she may need an evaluation to rule out any disorder vs. simple behavioral issues. She may have developed some protective behavior to help her
    cope with mom and yet they ruin her life when she is away from bm. On the other hand she may be in a rage that is fueled by teen hormones and an
    inherited tendency towards this behavior.
    Behavioral issues tend to be influenced by consequences and incentive but the other is not from my experience. If her thinking isn't quite right then normal
    parenting won't work. Add the fact that she has switched parents and I assume schools and friends and have a new step parent, it is probably a given that
    she will not be pleasant to live with.
    Do some research, read all you can about teens and see if boyfriend would consider family counseling, behavior evaluation or even psychiatry evaluation.

    How does she do in school?
    Does she have friends?
    Does she go out?
    Is she engaging in risky behavior?
    What do her teachers have to say about her?
    How are her grades?

    Just some questions to get fill out the picture.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Bayley, nice to meet you.
    I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know what you mean when you say you used to be a calm, placid person. These kids of ours can turn anyone into a screaming meemie.
    The only things I can think of temporarily are to create special times for both kids, so that the 15-yr-old maybe-Aspie girl understands that she will get your attention in a positive way for X amt of time ea day. I would also try to keep them separate--in different rooms. Maybe a baby gate would help to delineate a boundary.
    I, too, am curious about other issues and hope you will answer our numerous questions.
    I hope your husband isn't too tired to help out when he gets home, and that he can help the kids, as well.
  8. bayley123

    bayley123 Guest

    thanks for the reply.
    She is very intelligent, A*'s for science. but she has no motivation. She thinks that there is no pint trying as what ever you do, you will not succeed.
    She has no real friends only people in different places. She goes to giudes but dosen't see them at any other time, she sees people at school but never outside school. She tries to arrange trips into town but it never happens.
    At school she is covertly difient, she never efues to do anything hse is asked but it never gets done. Most of the teachers think she is great, until they have been had and thier attitudes change.
    She has most of the symptoms of ADHD, 90% of Borderline, like her mother, all of the symptoms of an attactment dosorder.
    She is very, very impulsive, has no idea or acceptance of consequences, she will never accept blame. Nothing is her fault.
    We started down the private route as we have insurance. They only paid for an assessment, realised it was going to be long term and pulled the funding so
    We are trying to get through the UK child and adolesent mental health system (NHS) and have been moved from pillar to post in the last two years.
    I am at my wits end, especially with the 6 weeks of school holidays comming up.
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Kathryn, I must say she doesn't really sound like she is on the autism spectrum.
    It is unfortunate that the insurance has pulled out when you need them the most.