Abusive adult daughter wants me to save her again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by NanaKaye, Nov 27, 2016.

  1. NanaKaye

    NanaKaye New Member

    Hi there . Newbie looking for help. My daughter is bi-polar with personality disorder. I have had her seen by multiple therapists and doctors over her 30 yrs. She has an 8 yr. old son that we have raised from birth while she went from one bad relationship to another . She is currently in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic that she met and 4 months later decided to take her IUD out and get pregnant with my now 16 month old grandchild . The abuse started right away and we have helped her get away from him 6 times. Then she decided to marry him in Tahoe! Two more attempts to help her and she went right back, cussing me out for interfering. He is now looking at prison time for sending her to the hospital the last time. She wants me to let her and the baby move in with us. The problem is that she is extremely verbally abusive and has even hit me. We have gone thru hundreds of cycles where she is nice, but then turns nasty when she doesn't get what she wants. I am the only member of the family who even interacts with her as she has burned all those bridges. I just don't know what I can or even should do.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It's late at night here/early morning and I often wake up on purpose go meditate and to enjoy the stillness snd quiet before going back to sleep. So I saw your post.

    Nobody has all the answers here. We share our experiences and our life experiences bias our advice. But we do all have in my opinion good things to say and we all care deeply for everybody, snd the passion in our answers come through. Here are MY thoughts.

    My gut tells me that if daughter moves in it won't work out anyway. Most of us can't live for too long (nor should we have to,) with constant abuse. I f you like and are able snd want to, I would maybe offer grandchild s safe haven, but tell her she is 30 years old, you can't live,/rescue her forever and that you need her to get her life together with community with resources, not mom.

    We do not have to put up with anyone's abuse, and, yes. Thst includes our grown children who need to mature to their adult age or learn how to best live on the streets because eventually they will end up there if they don't get help ,,,,,,(only they can truly put their heart and soul into therapy and growth). If we make them go as s condition of ongoing help by us in any way, they are likely just going through the motions to get the roof, the free babysitting, the lack of need to mature, our money... to stay mentally a child.

    And you deserve peace in your house, your sanctuary.

    Does she work? Use drugs maybe,? Stress you out? Is her presence one that makes you tremble in advance,? Has your "help" ever really helped,?

    Do you value your own life? Do you have other loved ones who treat you with kindness and respect? Flock to them. They deserve your kind heart because they offer you a healthy relationship without stress. They can love you back. This is a priceless gift.

    I learned this trick recently while trying to learn to trust my intuition:

    If you have to ask yourself if something is the right thing to do your gut is telling you it is not. You know confidently and without hesitation if something is right.

    Think of eight year old grandson. Does he need Mom there?

    You may want to look up borderline personality disorder to see if it fits. If so perhaps read the book "Walking on Eggshells." It's easy to find. It is very reassuring and helpful.

    These are just my thoughts? There will be much more input and wisdom. I suggest you check with your gut and do what it tells you is most likely to work out. 30 isn't a child and you earned your right to let go and have peace. It is yours to claim. Or not.

    I wish you some peace and if this post helped even a little, I am glad. Hugs and love. We are all with you, holding your hand without judgment. In the end we must do what we feel is the right path for us. There is no one way.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2016
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    A therapist might be able to help her figure out why she is drawn to abusive men and unhealthy relationships. She needs to know that she has value and that she is important. Maybe she doesn't think she deserves or can find someone better. The fact is, she can. Some people feel like they have to have someone in their lives in order to be happy. They don't like being single and seem to think something is wrong with being single. Sometimes it's an economic thing. Staying in an abusive relationship is teaching her son that when he grows up, it's ok to beat his wife. She needs to know she is worthy of respect.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    NanaKaye, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through so much heartache with your daughter.

    You're faced with a difficult choice, one which many of us here have faced as well. It may be prudent for you to step back, refrain from responding just yet and to seek counseling and support for yourself first. You might start with contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness. You can reach them online and they have chapters in most major cities. They offer excellent courses for us parents which will give you guidance, information, resources and support. You've been at this a long time and often we forget how to take care of ourselves in the face of the dramatic needs of our adult kids. NAMI may also offer you choices with your daughter that you have not considered yet.

    You might also find a counselor or therapist for yourself so you have a safe place to go to feel heard and find compassion......this is a challenging path we're all on and often it requires quite a bit of professional support for us to find our own peace and our own joy in the midst of the devastation our difficult kids bring to our door.

    It becomes necessary for us to enact strong boundaries around our kids behaviors and choices. You might read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It all gets complicated when there are innocent grandkids involved. I know, I raised my granddaughter because my adult daughter was not capable of raising her. However, I also implemented many stringent boundaries around my daughters behavior. In your case, your daughter's striking you is absolutely not okay and I would give much thought to allowing her to live with you when you have that history with her. Along with the verbal abuse, you really have to consider how much of that kind of behavior you are willing to tolerate. You should not tolerate any of it. Be very cautious.

    This is extremely hard stuff NanaKaye, proceed with extreme caution. Get immediate support for yourself. Keep posting, it helps. You're not alone, we get it here.