Acceptance of differences

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jul 15, 2009.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    From time to time, I have had to almost "talk to myself" to understand that my children are different than myself. This has often gone "double" for my difficult child. Many times, these things are in areas that really are unimportant. For example, difficult child dresses in a manner that is VERY different than the way I dress. This is really unimportant...not a big deal at all. I do ask her to think about how she dresses in terms of job interviews and the interesting thing is that by and large, she does that! I think it wise. But, I don't pay any attention to her personal preferences and when and where I can, I pay her compliments. I think our children, even our adult children, need to feel their independence/individuality.

    Today, I received this and I thought it was wonderful:

    Today's thought from Hazelden is:

    [FONT=georgia,palatino]Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.[/FONT]
    --Dr. Wayne Dyer

    It's generally a struggle to let a child develop a new skill, particularly if it's not one we share or appreciate. It's even more difficult to watch a spouse or lover travel a new path of learning or recreation when we're not invited to share the trip. Yet assuredly, our love is only as deep and real as it is honestly supportive of others spreading their wings to discover their own directions and personal joy.

    by the way, I don't mean for this to be an "acceptance" of inappropriate/hurtful or illegal behavior. That is a different subject.

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nomad I think you are right. Even when someone is doing something hurtful or illegal, while we dont "accept" that, we can still love that person and admit we are powerless to change it. I guess maybe we have to accept that they may do it out of our homes but not condone it would be a better term.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nomad my Mom is such the ultra control freak.........I sort of gravitated toward this way of thinking naturally.

    Her children not only had to do everything she said to the letter, we also had to read her mind on what she wanted, and according to her we weren't allowed our own thoughts for feelings. Emotions weren't expressed unless you kept a grin on your face...and sometimes that could get you slapped silly.

    I worked hard on letting my kids express themselves and gave them plenty of room to do it that was reasonable. I also took care to express that I appreciated how they felt, what they thought, even if I didn't agree with it or it wasn't going to change the situation. It wasn't always easy........Nichole's punk/goth stage as one example......but we muddled thru ok.

    I don't condone everything they do necessarily. But behavior is not the person around here. That distinction has made a vast difference in my kids from the way I was raised.

    Good point to make, because often when gfgdom is majorly rearing it's ugly head it can be awfully difficult to remember the person beyond the behaviors. :)
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    This is a good saying.

    Rob and I have always been, and will always be, very different in many ways. I no longer correct his grammar (even though it grates on me sometimes) and I have said many times that I've perfected the "Art of the Bobblehead." It has enhanced our lives and our relationship enormously. :whew:

  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I have always enjoyed watching my children grow into fun, interesting adults. I do not always agree with their choices. We differ on politics and religion. But I like each of them the way they are. I have not tried to create any mini-mes. There is enough of me in one person as it is.
  6. maril

    maril New Member

    Very nice post. Well said; thoughtful!
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Haven't heard from Dr. Dyer in a while. I do like the quote, an awful lot.

    On a side note, just after he came out with his book "I'm OK, You're OK", I was working with a Dr. Dyer groupie. She followed him around the country for his seminars, bought everything he ever published, and swore by his philosophy. Sadly, she was one of the most unhappy backstabbers I had ever met in my life. She loved to go around pointing out to anyone who would listen why she was so well balanced and certain other people were horrid human beings who should be shunned. She was relentless if she got you on her radar. I never thought much for Dr. Dyer after that.

    Still, I do like the quote.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Are you sure he wrote that book, Witz?
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I have a small picture that I found in of all places the dollar store years ago and I hung it outside of Dudes room - for years and it said -

    There are but two things we can give our children - Roots and Wings.

    HE in kind put a similar hand drawn picture outside of my door it said:

    There are but two things we can give our parents - Peace and Alka-seltzer.

    I like the post. Very well said Nomad.