MWM, we can always count on you to provide some thought provoking, insightful and meaningful observations..........
I've been told and I've read that we learn how to "self soothe," how to nurture and love ourselves, from our caregivers, our parents, our mothers. If we didn't have mothers/fathers who taught us that, then it seems it becomes a lifelong task to learn how to do that. Not to blame them, you can't expect it from someone who doesn't know how to do it themselves. But it does perpetuate the lack of ability.
In my own case I can look back and see that there was just no example of that, no one to teach me, no one to emulate, no one to observe to see how one actually goes about loving and accepting oneself. I wanted to change that lineage, to learn how to accept myself and love myself so that I could pass that on to my daughter and then on to her children. I had no idea it was going to take me 6 decades to do it.......
Aside from our own bio families and the lack of self love knowledge, as women, we live in a culture that still in many ways denigrates the feminine.........it would make sense then, that we would emerge feeling 'less then,' unworthy, undeserving......having to live up to a societal, cultural and personal expectation for perfection, a blueprint of what the perfect wife, mother, friend, lover is........and spend a lifetime trying to live up to it ............and failing miserably.............and...... repeatedly. It takes a lot of strength, courage, commitment and stamina to fight that image and to get off that runaway train of expectation.
What's interesting to me is that this remarkable path of detachment that we have been thrust upon......and the ensuing and necessary learning of acceptance of what is, is what was the catalyst and biggest push for me to learn self acceptance. In accepting what is, in all aspects of life, to simply allow what is happening in each moment, to be present in the now, is what catapulted me into self acceptance in a way I had not known before. To accept the good, the bad and the ugly of myself, not just the 'good' and then punish myself for everything else, but to include all of the parts of me, what I can do and what I can't, what I am good at and what I am not so good at, when I make mistakes to forgive myself, to allow myself to just be human........to have compassion for myself and to be kind to myself...........I think the compassion is a very big thing. To respect my frailties, my vulnerabilities and my soft spots as who I am and to not shut those parts out, to include all the parts of me in my own good will.......
Acceptance is a huge component of life...........there is so much that is out of our control.........and we humans are so hard on ourselves, almost to a point of cruelty........I was just reading a quote by Buddha this morning........"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." How true. We have thousands and thousands of thoughts per day and how many of them are harsh, mean and downright cruel about ourselves? Changing the way we perceive ourselves changes everything. Changing our thoughts about ourselves and our expectations of ourselves changes everything. And, it takes time to do it, to shift the tide of self cruelty and turn it into self love and self acceptance is a massive undertaking.
I think it is the greatest gift we can give our children............to show them by example, someone who loves and accepts oneself.........in the end, I think that is what has changed my connection with my daughter the most. I can be present for myself in a way I wasn't able before .........and now I can be present for her.............and that presence made all the difference.