Ache has been hospitalised again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Ache has had harder time with his state of mind whole autumn and he was hospitalised little over a week ago due suicidal ideation. He was quickly transferred to psychiatric ward close to us from the town he lives (which is several hours away) so we have been able to visit him daily. This is of course huge blow, but things could be worse. Ache is very depressed and tired, but he is not catatonic, nor is he remarkably psychotic (he does have some auditory hallucinations though) and also dissociative symptoms are not that grave at the moment. He has real trouble sleeping, both getting to sleep and waking up after couple hours and not being able to fall asleep again and he doesn't seem to have any appetite. His affect is however quite flat.

    He actually did all the right things this time. He couldn't stop suicidal ideation and had a plan and one night felt like he simply didn't have a choice but kill himself and instead he woke up his roommate, told him what was going on and asked him to drive him to ER and also come in with him in case he would chicken out from telling the nurse why he was there.

    medications have been tweaked in the hospital but currently there is talk about trying ECT to which Ache is open to. Ache has also agreed to stay in the hospital till doctors decide it is time to release him (while he was official involuntarily committed for a week, though he did go voluntarily, he is not fulfilling the requirements for that any more, which is of course a good news, as long as he is willing to co-operate.)

    Hospital treatment for severe depression doesn't usually go over few weeks, so we assume Ache will be released before Christmas and even quite soon, if he starts to feel better. Only logical choice after that would be him coming to live at home for time being and he seems to agree, but we have yet to talk with him much about the future. Preparing to have him at home is something we have to give a lot of thought. He may be released through day hospital, which would cover the 'day care' issues, but it may also be that it would not be a fit, in which case we have to come up with something. Just sitting at home and staring the wall (or playing video games or staying in bed) are not something that would feel helpful. Hopefully his aunt and grandpa can come up with something for him to do (sister in law has an organic farm that doubles with 'old time farm' and 'meet the farm animals-farm' for tourists and kids and also has a farm shop to sell local food for people from nearby city. father in law also helps sister in law a lot with all that and there is simple things to do also for Ache that would keep him active and outdoors.)

    Can't help but worry also long term options. This may end Ache's sport career which would be a huge blow to him. However we do not luckily need to kill that hope right away. He is under contract for couple years so while he has been transferred to injured reserve, he officially still is an athlete and will keep getting paid till the end of his contract so his team is also taking wait and see approach. While Ache can't work in other paying job during the contract, hubby talked with GM and Sport Director of Ache's team and all kind of voluntary work is permitted and encouraged, so is going to school so that leaves lots of options open. They are also willing to do everything to accommodate Ache's recovery while living here (for example they told hubby they will find Ache a trainer and place to train with some lower level local team, if that at some point seems a good option.) But that is all wait and see at this point.

    I try to take very matter of fact perspective to all this. Wallowing in feelings would do no good to anyone.
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  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear this news. I know you've been worried for some time and it seems your mom-radar was right on track.

    THIS is good. This is as good as it could possibly get under the circumstances.

    Hugs to you and's clear he's trying very hard.
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh SuZir, I'm so sorry to hear this.

    I am so glad that he was able to recognize what was going on and to ask for help.
    My heart goes out to you. This is one of those times when it's an easy decision to make but it's also a hard decision to make. I have no doubt you will do what you feel best for all of you.
    Sending ((HUGS)) and positive energy to you..........
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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi SuZir,
    I am so sorry for your hurting heart. This is very tough.
    Reading your post, it sounds like you folks have a well thought out plan.
    I am glad Ache recognized his trouble, and got help for himself.
    You are strong and have a good attitude.
    My thoughts are with you and family, in hopes for your sons recovery and well being.
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  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Many gentle hugs being sent your way. I admire your ability to keep things in an unemotional perspective. This will serve you well as you prepare to deal with the many facets of Ache's aftercare.

    Kudos to Ache for taking a very responsible step in managing his illness. This is huge in the face of what he had to be going through at the time.
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  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I echo all of the above... so proud of Ache for waking his roommate and getting help. Thinking of you all and sending positive vibes/prayers from here.
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like he at least has good insight into his illness and what he needs to do. It helps!

    I'm so sorry this has happened again and sending you many good vibes!
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry your son has to deal with this illness.

    He does seem to have insight into what is going on. That is a tremendous help for himself and everyone else.

    We are thinking of your family during this hard time.

  9. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear this Suzir. Take this time to relax and feel relieved that he is in a safe place. And utilize the social worker at the hospital...discharge planning is her expertise and her job, although you and your son definitely have input.

    It sounds like he's matured a bit in spite of the mental health challenges. Checked himself in...voluntarily? That's huge!

    My guy's in the hospital at least once a year, so join the club....
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Suzir

    First I want to say that I believe that Ache faced that going into the ER could affect his career. He knew going in. I believe that is why he asked his roommate for support. I give him all the credit in the world and I admire him greatly.

    All of the options you list as possibilities for the interim after he is discharged sound great. You have written so glowingly about this grandpa. What a tonic that would be for Ache to be near him.

    Ache will make his own decisions about what feels right. He is really showing his mettle as a person and a man.

    All said, there is so much to be hopeful for. University. *I love school.

    He is safe now and he seems to understand very well what he needs. He is treatment compliant and there is every reason to believe he will continue so. There is so much to be grateful for. I know you know that.

    I am so glad you posted.

    How are you doing, Suzir?

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  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Yes, if nothing else has been gained during last few years with Ache, at least his self-awareness and ownership of his mental health situation is something totally different it was when he was 18. Sometimes he deals with it so maturely I almost forget that he actually still is very young.

    We have discussed with social worker about the options for Ache after he is released and there are also independent (and somewhat supported) living options available for people recovering from mental illness, but honestly we do not feel good about that option. It would feel like giving up. That placing Ache to those would somehow be admitting that Ache would not recover back to fully independent life and would be permanently disabled. Especially hubby is very strongly against Ache moving to those placements. And to me too Ache living at home, even though we do know he is disruptive and annoying to live with, feels much better choice than having him in those placements. Ache himself also assumes he will come home for a while.

    We do understand in rational level that Ache's mental health issues may prove chronic and disabling, and we are sure to be aware of things Ache should and shouldn't do in case that turns out to be a reality. We have talked with couple lawyers and a friend who does handle social benefits for disabled for work and today hubby had a long call with the lawyer of the player association about situations where player has to end their career for health reasons and proves to be disabled also to other types of work and I think we are quite aware of dos and don'Tourette's Syndrome of the possible situations Ache may end up to. Last thing we want is to encourage Ache to do something that would make a significant damage to his financial situation for rest of his life in case he will not recover back to full working ability.

    We too try to be very matter of fact and calm about this. Dramatics would not help anyone.
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Suzir, it sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can do right now, and are taking it one step at a time. I'm so glad for you and for Ache that he had the presence of mind to get help. What a tremendous thing that is! Denial is such a barrier to change for all of us, and it is clear he has worked through that huge obstacle.

    Keep us posted. Hugs and best wishes for you all.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Suzir, it sounds like there are options. I think the transitional houses are like you said, for people who are recovering. I do not see it as throwing in the towel.

    Is this not a feeling? Rather than the reality of things.

    What does Ache want for himself? What will serve him best? What is acceptable to you for you? What will best serve his long-term betterment and financial security?

    It sounds like you are your husband are covering all of the bases.

    I for one do not thing it is wrong to support Ache, if you and he feels it is the better option.

  14. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    This got me thinking, because logically this comment should make sense, but it doesn't. Then I understood I used polit6ical correct language that does not carry the real meaning I tried to say to someone from other culture. That is an interesting facet of political correctness, isn't it? But anyway 'people in mental health recovery' is, most of the time, just a polite way to say that people with chronic, serious mental health issues (and maybe also other issues) that are actually not expected to recover. There are two types of housing for them. From other type Ache disqualifies because he has taken a shower on his own accord during last month, isn't unable to leave his room, because of the fear of CIA or/and KGB bugging his room or unable to leave the room because he would have a massive panic attack five meters from the door because someone else is also walking at the street. In other words these places, in practise, are bit lighter staffed mental health institutions that are not called that in name of deinstitutionalising, but the biggest difference really is, that the people living there are the ones who has keys to their own doors, not staff.

    Other type of places are for those suffering from mental health issues, substance abuse or both who have blown their chances in other types of housing by being too disruptive or not using the part meant to pay rent from their state granted welfare to actually pay the rent. These are same people who in your country mostly divide their time between streets, jail and occasionally stay in treatment centre. We tend to be less idealistic and more frugal so instead of trying to teach them a lesson we just give them roof over their head, enough money for food and some entertainment and hope they are too lazy to do anything else, because cumulative cost of petty crime is so high and they are not likely to do anything worthwhile anyway. Then their social worker asks them once or twice a year if they feel like doing something else with their life and those services are offered only if they actually want to.

    Behind the political correctness that is the reality of the situation. No one called my workmate, or subordinate actually (or how do you actually call the person whose boss you are?), 'a person in mental health recovery' when she came back to work after over a year of sick leave for mental health reasons even though her coming back was strongly supported by disability agency, she first started with half time, had coaching services and we made quite a lot of accommodations to make a transition smooth. It was just 'supported transition back to work life.'

    Anyway, I'm big believer on peer influence and people getting accustomed to life situation they are in. the lifestyle of 'mental health recoverer' is not something I want for Ache if there is any way to avoid it.

    Ache himself assumes he will come home to recover. Hopes he is able to continue his career and get back to the town his team is after a sick leave of some length. He does seem to understand that his team will at least insist longer sick leave than a month he had after crash last autumn. He seems to also understand that they may not want him back at least if he doesn't recover fully. We haven't much pressed other options, because playing is still what he wants and that may motivate him to try to get better.

    Him being disruptive element in our house is still acceptable for me and hubby at least for short term, as in till next summer. If he will stay in our area longer, we will likely think something else. I own few apartments that I have tenants in. Some I have inherited but one I actually bought when kids were younger in case they would decide to go to Uni the big city next to us, so they could live there during that time. I have always leased it to students and I could free it for Ache for next fall, if that seems like a good idea at the time. It is a two bedroom flat that has usually had two or three students living in it, so in that case I think also Joy would be interested moving into it. But of course, Ache would still need something to do and it can't be a paying job.

    Till now his job has kept him waking up every morning, eating breakfast and getting out of his flat. He will still need that kind of structure or I fear things would get much worse quickly.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    We have both kinds of housing here, as well (I have involvement in this in my area), but I agree that your son would not like it.

    I am sure he will find what is best for him. There is still a world of options out there for him.
  16. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    They plan to discharge him tomorrow. It seems this TMS treatment is being helpful with him and while he certainly isn't okay or miraculously cured, he seems more alive and less listless. Sleep issues are still bad but at least they are not discharging him with benzos. Luckily also his TMS continues with early morning appointments so that may help to keep sleep pattern even with his issues of getting sleep and waking up middle of the night. Sleeping late would not make things any better, I think even if the morning would be the time he actually could get sleep.

    Outpatient plan has biweekly psychiatric nurse visits and and appointments with psychiatrist every two weeks for beginning. There is also a group therapy he started at the hospital (they call it 'depression school' and it apparently aims to learn to know and live with the condition) he will continue going and we already had two family therapy visits during his stay and will have few more after the discharge, because he will be discharged to our home. His treatment team and he decided against Day Hospital but father in law has promised to babysit him at least now at the beginning.

    Not a perfect world nor situation but sad thing is, that we apparently got lucky with treatment. They kept him three weeks and till there was improvement that is a long time for someone 'just depressed' (as in, not psychotic or manic.) I talked with a friend who knows the ins and outs of the system well and she told me we were really lucky doctor last fall didn't add Borderline (BPD) to Ache's papers, because with that, he would had very possible been kicked out from ER after one night as 'attention seeker.' Same with him not being drunk or high when going to ER. For those people they apparently just give and outpatient contact and appointment (that can often times be a week or even month away.)
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  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sounds like Ache is managing not to fall between the cracks in the system, which is a good thing. Yay for his grandpa for being willing to "babysit".

    Like usual, so much falls back on the family, but sounds like things are at least going in a positive direction.