Add my kid to the list of recently relapsed g f gs

[SuZir]

Or maybe slipped would be a better description for this. Still, blaah!

He came to visit home due his greatgranny's passing and actually talked with me. Told more about his fall from the bridge. Still says it was not a suicide attempt per se, but admits feeling lousy before it happened. Issues with ex-girlfriend, then relapse to gambling and (luckily) losing like a pig. He lost about three grands in couple of hours, which of course is a very good thing. Had he won first, he would had been more tempted to continue. Still had great struggles to stop and next found himself from the cold water.

Hates himself for losing the control like that.

I suppose I should be proud of him. He did stop, he did contact the counsellor from the treatment program he went through, he did make few appointment to discuss what happened and how to learn and move on, he did transfer all the extra money he did have to the account I hold reins on and which he doesn't have direct access (basically step back to earlier strategy to help him keep away from gambling.) And now he even fessed up to me what had happened.

Still, huge blaah!

 

[SuZir]

And the other thing: He asked me not to tell his dad. I told him I couldn't promise him something like that, but I would not tell husband when he is still acutely mourning his granny. And that I would notify difficult child before telling husband.

I hate to keep secrets like this from husband. But difficult child and husband are back to rather tense relationship and husband really don't handle emotions things like this cause well. He is still being quite a rear end about difficult child falling from the bridge even though he absolutely denies any possibility of it being anything but idiotic recklessness and not wanting to hear anything else. Him having to face that it wasn't just reckless stupidity will most likely make him even more of a rear end to everyone around and me and difficult child especially.

 

[DDD]

Lord that "insolent whelp" likes riding the see saw, doesn't he?
He loves and trusts you BUT he surely takes his sweet time before sharing! Hugs to you all. DDD

 

[Signorina]

Suz, so sorry to hear he is having troubles.

As far as not telling his dad - I don't think I could honor that either. When I have been placed in a situation like that - I try to encourage the young person to tell their parent directly and offer to be with them in support when they do so and the outcome is usually pretty good. I've had similar situations not with my own kids, but with their friends. My response is usually - I can't promise not to tell, but I CAN let you be the one to tell him. It's a nice way to avoid breaking their trust.

 

[Nancy]

In our country you can put yourself on a banned list to the casinos and they will not let you in. Do you have anything like that there? I'm sorry he slipped but he got back up and that's important.

 

[SuZir]

Nancy, one can ban themselves from casinos also here, and difficult child has except one with a very good sport bar his friends frequent around where we live. But the thing is, that difficult child has never gambled in the casino, not even a one coin. When he was last gambling he was still minor and casinos are very strict about age limits. We also have slot machines in balcony of every supermarket, gas station and what not, but those have neither been a real problem for him. His gambling has been in online casinos. One can get a ban to also those and he has for all the big ones and ones he used to use. But there are so many of them and new are coming all the time that keeping up the banning list would be a huge work - and would require actively browsing to find new casinos that of course would be counter-productive. However there are programs for computers, phones etc. that prevent access to online casinos and difficult child has those in all of his gadgets. Of course one can get around them, if one really wants but they do help to prevent impulsive slips middle of the night. However this time difficult child was using ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend's tablet while she was sleeping (yes, just that messy.)

For him gambling always was a very secretive thing he did alone, even his friends didn't know he was gambling when he was active. From the beginning it was something he was ashamed of. And still is.

To be honest the actual slip doesn't worry me much. Especially when I only found out over a month later and he had already dealt with it with quite well. Apparently also ex-girlfriend issue is now finally more or less over. What does concern me is his self-hatred. He never seems to be able to cut himself a little slack or being kind to himself.

He has always been driven and perfectionist and at times those things work for him, but they also really hurt him, because he simply doesn't accept anything he considers failure from himself and is so very hard on himself over things. And when he can't bottle it up anymore, he acts out.

You know, it absolutely hoovers to watch, how your own character flaws that you passed on both trough genetics and through modelling come back to bite your kid's butt big time. And he is even worse in this than I am, never seemed to learn anything from his dad's and brother's much more laid back attitude. My Boy - and at times I hate it.

 

[lovemysons]

Sending caring thoughts Suzir,

I'm glad your son fessed up and is addressing the problem.
Try not to hold yourself too responsible...YOU are not a compulsive gambler so it isn't all genetics and modeling ya know. It is a choice. But I do understand where your thoughts and feelings are as I can easily see my young difficult child as a "mini me" in many ways...but we make different choices.

LMS

 

[SuZir]

Try not to hold yourself too responsible...YOU are not a compulsive gambler so it isn't all genetics and modeling ya know. It is a choice.

To be honest I don't blame myself for difficult child's gambling issues at all. Even though I think that in his case there wasn't so much choice involved in how he developed it. There is so very clear connection in time between something very devastating and horrible happening to difficult child and him starting to gamble, and doing it so heavily and compulsively from almost get go. For him it was just way to cope and could had been many other things either. And someone with his neurology, especially at that age, he simply didn't have a chance not to become addicted. Choices come to picture more after he got caught. It is a choice to use those tools he has been given to battle the urges, to use those technological and other help (like moving his money to the account he doesn't have immediate access and so on.) Those are real choices for him and he has been doing fairly well with them these past three years after he was caught. He did slip couple times soon after the fact and this was third one.

However, when he did developed that addiction, it is something he has to be mindful rest of his life especially in harder times. His brains kn ow it as a soothing activity that takes time and impossible to handle feelings away. So he has to make lots of choices and keep himself in check on all times. In fact, if I'm totally honest, I'm even secretly bit happy he did slip now and of course that it ended to such a spectacular failure. I believe it helps him to keep in mind that this is not something he screwed up as a kid, but something he has to take serious also in future. In his lifestyle gambling, betting, trips to casinos etc. are always there. And he has to have a clear picture that he can't do those things like his friends.

What I do feel some guilt for, is maybe not actually giving him half of his genes (I mean, I happen to think it is rather wonderful thing he exists), but not taking better care not model some perfectionist and control freak behaviours to my kids. And not trying to work harder to help difficult child get over his perfectionism and loosen up a bit, when he was still very young and I noticed those tendencies. In fact while I didn't actively encourage those behaviours and models of thinking, I was secretly little happy at times that he was so driven. He had so many obstacles to get over from early on and that drive did help in that. But it certainly is a double edged sword and it hurts to see that level of self-hatred and shame in him.