Addiction recovery support meeting

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope all you ladies are sitting at your computers in your robes with a cup of coffee in hand. We have made it through the holiday, at least the first one. We took one day at a time and we have made it.

    Please tell us about your day with or without difficult child and how you are feelings.

    Patriots Girl please repost your comment here.

  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Nancy,

    Here I am. I guess you could say that the holiday went without difficult child drama but I am feeling down anyway. I have realized that, sober or not, difficult child is still deeply troubled and has not changed in any meaningful way. She is still acts like an emotional teenager despite being 26-years-old.

    She called me Christmas Eve afternoon and told me she had "things" to do before she could come over. She said she had just filed a police report because she had loaned her car to her roommate three days ago who in turn had lent it to a drug dealer friend and this friend had kept difficult child's car for two days. She had just gotten it back and went to report it to the poice,

    I asked her what she thought the police would do since she had gotten it back and had lent it out in the first place. She said she was afraid that the drug dealer had made a key and she wanted the police to know in case he took it again. She claims that she is now getting threats (surprise) from the drug dealer to watch her back and she is scared to go back there or any other half-way house because everyone knows each other.

    I told her that staying here was simply not an option and she started on the "but you said I just couldn't come home straight out of rehab. It's been three months." I think she has just been biding her time waiting until we gave in and let her come back. I told her that I had seen no changes to make me think that her living here would be any different now than it had been in the past.

    I told her that the car issue was her problem and that I didn't want to hear anything about it when she was here. She agreed and has not mentioned it since she has been here. I'm afraid she will use it, though, when I tell her it is time to go back to the sober house.

    Emotionally, I just don't see any growth. She said immature, inappropriate things at the dinner table which made the rest of us roll our eyes. She thinks she is being funny but it isn't funny at all . . . just sad.

    When I suggested widening her job search to things like grocery stores, fast food restaurants, and hotel housekeeping, she said, "What do you think I am . . . a piece of dirt?" Would you say that there are still entitlement issues there? I told her all honest work is something to be proud of and that she needs something to help with the expenses.

    So while there were no blow-ups, thefts, or substance abuse going on, it still left me with a feeling that there was no fundamental improvement. She is still here and I told her that we are going to work on getting a deferment on her student loans and she is going to call the hospital about her medical bills. She got a letter from the hospital saying that they would help her see if she might qualify for medicaid or medicare and I told her that it was worth a shot. At worst, at least the hospital will know that she is unemployed and that there is no way she can pay them back at this time.

    So, how did your holiday go?

  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I think one of the most depressing and let down feelings is when our difficult child's get sober but we realize they still have addictive behaviors. As much as they told us that would happen I expected, wanted so badly for that not to be true. It does take a long time walking the walk and talking the talk until the behaviors start to change. It's one of the reasons coming back home was just not an option for gdfg. My dad doesn't understand that. He thinks she is sober so we should let her come back home.

    Many of the girls from the sober house get jobs at grocery stores, diners, fast food places, telemarketing. Let's face it, their resumes doesn't look the best. They need to build up a resume and get some work experience behind them. A job is a job, especially in this economy. When it was time for difficult child to look fro a job at the sober house I told her to make a list of all theplaces she wanted to go and I would pick her up and take her. First of all she had no car at that point but more imporatnt I could make sure that's what she was doing. I used my gps and started going to all the places in order of distance. She had made a resume and had it printed at the library and she left a resume at each place, even if they weren't hiring. She got three job offers out of that one day searching. One place told her they had no openings and the next day she got a call from them. Going in person and looking presentable is so much more successful than calling on the phone or looking in the paper. Would she let you do that with her?

  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Ours went well after the initial bombshell that we would have no where to go Christmas day unless we left our (newly released from rehab/psychiatric hospital) son on his own. So we had our family Christmas eve gift exchange and dinner celebration here as usual and then spent a quiet day home alone on sunday. husband and easy child/difficult child went to the nursing home which gave me alone time for a couple hours. easy child/difficult child does not initiate going to AA meetings on his own yet but goes when we remind him. Not sure what that means yet. This is all new to him so will let it be till he has time to establish a new routine. He has been to two since Thursday. He is at one right now for three in 4 days. Not a meeting a day but there isn't that possibility for him once he returns to work anyway.It looks like the most he will be able to get in is 4-5 a week. Not alot of morning meetings in this area and he doesn't get out of work till 9 pm and evening meetings are over by then. He is totally wiped from his medications by 8 pm anyway. We are looking for online meetings that are not on google or yahoo due to privacy issues. He is newly sober only 40 days now so do not know how this is going to go. Time will tell. It's harder to know when to stop reminding them to take medications and go to meetings when they are highly functioning Asperger's.

    We will be calling HR today to try to set up a meeting to talk about him returning to work. Hope that goes well.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rejected, it is hard to know when to back off in the reminders in your case. In ours we were told her sobriety is her journey and we were not to remind her. But I understand the issues are different for you. Three meetings in four days is awesome. I have seen young people get out and go to a meeting every day, gung ho, and then relapse hard. It may be better that he let it grow on him slowly and he may feel he is in more control. I know they say 90 in 90 but that's nearly impossible unless you have no job or other commitments.

    Good luck with HR.

  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    90 in 90 is what they told him. He thinks that is impossible and I kinda agree but am unsure where to settle. He (and I) can't really afford a relapse in the near future at least until we build up our funds again. I know the marjority do slip. That is fact but a full relapse would be devastating at this time. Money is a motivator for him so I showed him the cost of his alcohol addiction in clear numbers. He was in awe of the fact that just by stopping drinking he could save 40K in ten years. That is without intrest. He was a twelve pack a day man.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    I am here a little later than planned because I took my easy child daughter and a friend after Xmas shopping... got a few things for myself also. :)

    Kathy - I think the holidays make it hard when we all have such hard things we are dealing with.... so hugs to you and to everyone.

    My holiday went suprisingly well.... which I think says more about me and where I have got to than anything else. We had some friends over for Christmas Eve dinner and we all had a really great time. My easy child daughter was there and one of her good friends and her parents were there plus a couple of other friends. So the girls were present and participated and it was really fun... so I had a fun night with no discussion of my difficult child and his problems. Yay.

    I did get that letter from him on Xmas eve which made me sad for him and also glad that he misses us and misses spending the holidays with us.. I am however wondering if for him it is more about the gifts he is not getting than anything else. LOL.

    Christmas day was very low key here but very pleasant. My easy child went to visit a friend for a while in the afternoon and husband and I drove around looking and enjoying Christmas light displays.

    I texted difficult child Merry Christmas and he texted me back. Said he was in a meeting and wasn't doing much that day. It made me wonder if he was getting a Christmas meal... hey I am a mom and it is about the food!!! Later in the day we were calling other family members and I thought he is not going to call but we should at least call and try to connect. So we called him and left a message. I got a text back from him apologizing for not getting the call, he was in a meeting (another one?) and had a busy schedule until 10 or 11... I texted him back and said we would by home then. I was hoping he would call but he didn't.

    So fine there might be good reasons why he didn't call....However he was missing us and being part of the fmaily so much he would have called. I think he has felt those things but I don't think they are overwhelming him or even his focus.. which might be a good thing actually. But it also means I don't have to sit here feeling sorry for him either.I am glad he was at meetings and was busy... that is a good thing.

    So all in all I enjoyed the holiday but am also relieved it is over. The next big decision will be whether I should go and visit him in January. husband has a business trip near where difficult child is at. So his plan is to go see him. Our thought is it might make sense for me to fly to meet him and see difficult child as well. A bit part of me would like to do this, but it means leaving our easy child daughter home by herself (which she is fine with) but I am nervous about. We do have friends and neighbors who would fill in and keep an eye out for her. So I need to let my difficult child know this is an option but I am not going unless he really wants me to go... and if it "doesn't matter to him" then I am not going. I see no point in pushing myself on to him.... I also don't want him to tell me to come becuase he thinks that is what I want to hear... I really only want to go if he really wants me too.

    So thats it from here...

  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Late to the party myself...just got back from a much needed t-doctor session! I love my t-doctor.
    Christmas went well until it fell apart. The falling apart was only slightly related to my difficult child and, ironcially, she is completely unscathed by it.
    difficult child came over in the a.m with her boyfriend and their kitten. I found the kitten part pretty amusing. She gave me a plaque with the irish blessing on it. I was touched by her gift. I had gifts for her, a framed baby photo of her and restaurant gift card for the boyfriend and a toy and lottery tickets for the kitten. They stayed an hour and were both very respectful and sweet. Even the surly boyfriend. The kitten, of course, was precious.
    difficult child announced that they would be joining me at my sister's later that day. I thought this was not a problem as there would be plenty of food, we don't exchange gifts and she'd get to see her cousins. She's ditched at the last minute for the last several holitdays.
    Went to my niece's and had a blast then on to my sisters. Beat difficult child there by 15 minutes during which time my sister acted like a crazy person, berating me for springing difficult child and this "unknown" boy on her. Even went so far as to say "difficult child will be welcome here ONLY after she apoplogizes for Thanksgiving. You have no idea how she humiliated the family with her behavior at Thanksgiving." I replied "I do know". To which she replied "And you don't call her on it, do you?". I was stunned.

    difficult child then shows up, is greeted with sincere, loving open arms by all her cousins and my brother in law, has a great time, stays about two hours, thanks her aunt sincerely when she leaves and has not a clue about what went down in the fifiteen minutes between my arrival and hers.

    I am still stunned. You see, I've always accepted my sister's nasty disposition as being part and parcel to who she is. I love her anyway. I love her even when she's a b. But yesterday, she did the unthinkable. She attacked my daughter. Yes, my badly behaved daughter, but my daughter nonetheless.

    Clearly, I have shared too much with her. It is simply not safe sometimes to share outside this community.

    Thank you all for understanding how difficult the holidays can be with a difficult child. From what I've read from nancy,TL, Kathy and RM, even a good holiday comes with a heap of sorrow when you're child is fighting the difficult child battle.

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash I feel your pain. I always felt that family was the safe place where you should be able to go for comfort and support. We should be able to confide in them about our difficult children and know they will still support and love and treat our difficult children like all other members of the family. It hurts to see our difficult children treated differently and I now understand how families get torn apart by this stuff. Your difficult child acted appropriately and that's what matters. Your sister has to know how her words hurt you. If she put herself in your position she would be hurt too.

    My sister and I were very close until last Christmas when she decided to go against my wishes that we not have alcohol on christmas eve because difficult child had recently been released from rehab. Of course I confided in her throughtout the years so she decided to take it upon herself to show difficult child that she didn't care about her struggles and it was more important for her family to do their normal thing and not be inconvenienced. And of course my dad went along with it because he has always pitted one of his offspring against the other. After a few hurtful conversations over the next couple weeks, we have not spoken to each other in a year. Her kids are perfect and she has the perfect life. She doesn't understand gfgness. Through it all and watching how my dad handled the whole thing I have realized how important it is to treat both my girls the same way. He has always treated one of us differently depending on who was in the barrel at the time.

    I'm sorry your sister was not more supportive.

  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Well I actually just got back from a pleasant visit with difficult child. easy child came with because he really wanted to see his sister. She still looks great. Couldn't stop gushing on and on about the boyfriend. I still haven't met him. My children inform me that I am too judgmental. Hmpf. Anyhow she was again pleasant, healthy looking and respectful. She is actually talking about her future!!! That in itself is huge! She talked about going back for a degree in business. She says for the first time she is actually considering marriage and children! I know the relationship is new but she has never ever wanted any of those things. easy child is thrilled he had such a nice visit with his sister and today, I feel blessed and at peace. :) I pray the same for all of you!!!
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG, that is a great report! I am so happy for you.

    RM ~ my difficult child was told 90 meetings in 90 days, too. According to her, though, she averages four a week. So I guess that sounds about right.

    TL ~ I'm sure that your difficult child was sad to be where he was over the holiday. Remember, though, his choices are responsible for his being there. A little sadness might be good for him.

    Dash ~ I'm sorry that your family is not supportive. We don't have any family that is close by or that we see often which might be a blessing in disguise.

    Nancy ~ I can't even imagine that your sister would serve alcohol knowing your difficult child was fresh out of rehab. That would have made me furious, too.

    At least we have each other!

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL you made the effort to contact him and wish him a happy holiday. If he was in meetings all day that is good. They may have tried to keep them busy so they didn't have time to think about what they were missing and start feeling sorry for themselves. I understand your emotions though, I have felt them all, going out of my way to do nice things or contact difficult child and her seeming like she could take it or leave it. And I was left with wondering what she was really feeling. Remember he is still there and that is a good thing. If he was going to bolt I would think he would have done it. I have to take what my difficult child is willing to give me on her time schedule and not have unrealistic expectations. I'm glad you had a nice time at your dinner and a relaxing day yesterday. As far as the trip, I agree with you, if he doesn't care whether you come or not I would not make the effort. The last thing you want to do is go through all that effort if it's no big deal to him.

    Patriots Girl, I'm thrilled you had a nice time with difficult child. From your post yesterday I was worried. I'm not sure what I think about this relationship and you probably are not either. When I see my difficult child in such a good mood over someone it's usually to convince me he's a great guy. The last one she was going to marry got her pregnant and had a rap sheet a mile long, no job, and a family of criminals. I hope this is the real thing for her and Ihope he has turned his life around and I know you do too. But she was pleasant and respectful to you and that's a good thing.

  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I almost forgot to post about my own day. Christmas eve difficult child came home around 1pm and her girlfriend came over to exchange gifts and give her a manicure. easy child came over after finishing difficult child's christmas present, a canvas painted black with pink script letter spelling out "Serenity Courage Wisdom" It was awesome. We opened presents in the early evening, had a snack, watched christmas movies on tv and went to bed. Both easy child and difficult child stayed overnight and I loved it. I had gotten difficult child a necklace with the AA symbol of a triangle inside a horseshoe and she was thrilled. She also got an iphone and was in heaven.

    difficult child had to work Christmas day 9-3 because she works in an emergency animal hospital. easy child, husband and I cleaned the house again and got dinner started. difficult child came home, husband's business partner came over and we had a lovely dinner and very relaxing day. difficult child packed up her things and took dinner leftovers and went back to her apartment around 8 pm because she had to get up early for work again today.

    I have to say it was one of the nicest and most relaxing Christmases we have had in many years. There was no drama and we really enjoyed having both girls here. difficult child looked good and was very pleasant. She texted me when she got back home and thanked me for the awesome Christmas and said she loved me very much.

  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, your post brought tears to my eyes.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Nancy so glad you had a nice day and a good visit... sounds like she is doing well and your relationship is in a good place. I am so glad.

    And I have to report that something good happened today. Recently I told my difficult child that for Christmas like any poem he wrote or a drawing or anything. I had gotten that letter from him and I figured that was it. Today he sent me a FB message responding to a message from me about something else. Then he said I said I would like to read his poems and so he sent me a poem he had recently written.... called moving on. It was a positive poem (in his way of being positive which definitely shows the struggle too). I liked it and am really glad he sent it and once again it was given without him asking for anything from us. So again it is a little door opening between us. Made me happy.... and the window into his current thinking is a good one.

  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Coming in late here but I am happy to read so many good reports! I am not thrilled to hear about the sister who couldnt keep her nose and free advice out of where it doesnt belong. As we all know, no ones kids are actually perfect. If you take the shine off, there is always something in the closet. We just dont see it.
  17. AHF

    AHF Member

    I'm afraid I cannot file a good report. Some of what's happening is in my thread. To add: Robin Hood flew in on 12/23 and within 10 minutes of my picking him up at the airport was telling me to "have a merry f!@#$%ing Christmas." He was mad because I asked him to stay sober and not to serve alcohol to visiting friends while Peter Pan was home, since they would be drug testing Peter Pan when he returned to the sober house. He later apologized, but the tone was set. Peter Pan came home the afternoon of Xmas Eve and isolated himself except for dinner, which was with husband and his son and granddaughter. Xmas morning, the son and baby girl stayed till 11 a.m. but neither difficult child got out of bed. Finally arose when the others were gone & opened presents, the only good news of which was that Robin Hood actually brought something for each of us! First time in years. Coffee from the place where he works as a barista (OK, he didn't pay for it, but still), and cookies for his brother. No thanks from Peter Pan, no gifts from Peter Pan, nothing. I'd scrambled to get cable TV installed (we don't usually watch TV) in time for Peter Pan's visit so he could watch basketball; he'd claimed he would go over to friends' houses rather than stay home, but no friends returned his phone call, so he stayed home all Xmas afternoon watching TV. Finally a friend did call, came over, and then they went over to friend's house for a short time. Meanwhile Robin Hood called 6 friends and invited them over for a party with-out asking us. We locked up all the liquor and he banged on the bedroom door to complain about it (?!). Peter Pan back late, slept late on the 26th, got up an hour before we needed to leave to return him to sober house. Spent the hour, first, lecturing me about how he hates the place and wants me to set him up in some cushy pad; and second, fighting with Robin Hood who wanted to lecture him about what a slob he is. Finally got both difficult children out the door--Robin Hood to NYC to visit with-friends, Peter Pan back to the sober house where he has 10 days before the ax falls. Too exhausted to be relieved, though husband tells me he thinks the holiday went better than expected!
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh dear AHF my head is spinning just reading your post. I'm sorry both difficult child's were so disrespectful. I hope I don't overstep my boundaries when I say I think it's time they move on and find out what living independantly is really like and give you some peace.

  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Patriotsgirl, I do wish all those things for your difficult child. So glad your holiday went well.

    Nancy, I too am the victim of parents that favored some of thier kids over others. It is so damaging and now eeven though both of them are long gone my sister and I do not have a good relationship. She and her kids are so "entitled" and snooty.
    They too are "perfect" (which they are far from) and mine are problems (which they often are but which I will admit). I can't go into all the hurt because it brings it all back to the surface and I prefer to let it tay burried. I have worked hard and getting past it and have seen therapists to hlep me keep it in its place. Unfortunately I am somewhat guilty of playing favorites with my kids also. My easy child has always been good and kind and respectful. Consequently she had more privileges and I prefer to spend time with her over my other children. I try hard now that they are adults not to do this in an ovbious way It isn't always easy though because now she and easy child/difficult child need more of my time than my difficult children, I have accepted that I am an imperfect parent in an imperfect world. But I pride myself on being less imperfect than my own parents and siblings. I work hard at being the best I can be and find outlets for my hurt and anger in my artistic and creative side.

    Dash I am sorry your sister dumped on you like that and that she couldn't be a gracious host to all her guests. It would have been more appropriate if she had brought up her discontent at another time. If there is a positive side to her behavior at least she got her anger out before you daughter got there.

    TL, I am happy you got a nice thing from your son. My son writes poetry also but doesn't share it. He even won an award in college. That is the only poem of his I have ever seen.

    Janet, glad things were peacful around your house.

    AHF, OH MY! How insensitive and selfcentered you sons behavior was. I am sorry you didn' have a good holiday. Hopefully you can find some peace now tat they are off on their own again

    Kathy, I understand what you are saying about no growth or improvement even though sober. That is my difficult child#2 to a T. Yes indeed I thank God for this board and my wonderful friends here!
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  20. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    This holiday was much harder than I expected it to be. I actually turned my phone off on Xmas day, because I was secretly worried that XSIL would give difficult child or his father my phone number in a misplaced fit of holiday family-feeling. She didn't, but she did call me, which went to voice mail and which I haven't returned yet. No contact from difficult child, which is mostly good but also a bit sad. I am noticing that when there are no actual crises or decisions to be made, the sadness shows up. I know that's normal, but it kind of sucks.

    Part of the problem is that I isolated myself too much - didn't leave the house for 3 days, and turned down friends' offers to get together. (One in particular has a son who is a difficult child-in-training, and I am struggling too much with my anger at my own difficult child to be able to spend much time around her son. Particularly since she told me he spent the whole holiday telling her how inadequate her gifts and efforts on his behalf were, and constantly whining and bugging her when he wasn't putting her down. I didn't think I could be appropriately detached, since I was really struggling with my own thoughts and feelings about my own child.) I'm having a bit of trouble rejoining the human race today, and am really dreading next weekend. I feel a lot of pressure to come up with stuff to do over the holiday weekend to keep me from getting too isolated and depressed. boyfriend is lovely, but he's out of town next weekend and we've only been going together about 3 months, so I'm not comfortable talking to him about what I'm going through. I'm also not comfortable asking anyone to "rescue" me from my own feelings. I need to figure out how to take care of myself and meet my own needs. The way I handled this weekend is clearly not the way to do that.