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Family of Origin
Addiction to a toxic person...so weird
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 737824" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You're right. Blaming myself I guess is my addiction *one of them. It just still feels that there had to have been a way to do this right. I suffered so much when my mother died. It will have been five years pretty soon.</p><p></p><p>I guess the only way out is compassion for myself. And really accepting I did the best I could. There are just so many dead bodies at the side of the road. So much emotional pain. So much cruelty and in the case of my family, degradation. I need to be grateful that I am not one of the dead bodies. I saved myself. Until I no longer did.</p><p></p><p>I believe both the rabbi I speak to and a therapist I saw several times, think that I should NOT have taken care of my mother. That a person with more self-love, less guilt, better boundaries would have not don.e so That it cost me too much emotionally. I do not think I would have done it without M. I do not know what I would have done. Maybe let my sister dominate me and call the shots. Who knows? I can't go back. Just forward.</p><p> My mother had tremendous coping skills about most things, except inter-personally. She had very specific rules with people. Her needs first. Only that. </p><p></p><p>She sucked me dry. She used people. She was very assertive. She was warm and attractive but she put herself first. I loved her very much. But she was hard to love, in that you had to love her first. And really only her. First. Second. Third. And you came last, if at all. And if her needs were not served, you just dropped away, totally out of the picture. (Oh. How I feel sorry for my baby self.) And any love was conditional based upon if she felt happy and satisfied. </p><p></p><p>M says my mother loved her (Freudian slip, I mean, me) in the way she could. And I believe that is true. But it was not what I needed. I lived a life that was very, very affected by my parents' limitations.</p><p></p><p>That is one reason I suffer so much about my son. It feels like history repeating itself.</p><p></p><p>I read a post in the last day or two by re (or was it New Leaf). I hope I can find it again. She quotes the lady who is a buddhist monk. i forget her name. Who says, to paraphrase, our spiritual life develops in the gap between what we wish for and what really happens, what life presents. That is a true thing.</p><p></p><p>Thank you SWOT.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 737824, member: 18958"] You're right. Blaming myself I guess is my addiction *one of them. It just still feels that there had to have been a way to do this right. I suffered so much when my mother died. It will have been five years pretty soon. I guess the only way out is compassion for myself. And really accepting I did the best I could. There are just so many dead bodies at the side of the road. So much emotional pain. So much cruelty and in the case of my family, degradation. I need to be grateful that I am not one of the dead bodies. I saved myself. Until I no longer did. I believe both the rabbi I speak to and a therapist I saw several times, think that I should NOT have taken care of my mother. That a person with more self-love, less guilt, better boundaries would have not don.e so That it cost me too much emotionally. I do not think I would have done it without M. I do not know what I would have done. Maybe let my sister dominate me and call the shots. Who knows? I can't go back. Just forward. My mother had tremendous coping skills about most things, except inter-personally. She had very specific rules with people. Her needs first. Only that. She sucked me dry. She used people. She was very assertive. She was warm and attractive but she put herself first. I loved her very much. But she was hard to love, in that you had to love her first. And really only her. First. Second. Third. And you came last, if at all. And if her needs were not served, you just dropped away, totally out of the picture. (Oh. How I feel sorry for my baby self.) And any love was conditional based upon if she felt happy and satisfied. M says my mother loved her (Freudian slip, I mean, me) in the way she could. And I believe that is true. But it was not what I needed. I lived a life that was very, very affected by my parents' limitations. That is one reason I suffer so much about my son. It feels like history repeating itself. I read a post in the last day or two by re (or was it New Leaf). I hope I can find it again. She quotes the lady who is a buddhist monk. i forget her name. Who says, to paraphrase, our spiritual life develops in the gap between what we wish for and what really happens, what life presents. That is a true thing. Thank you SWOT. [/QUOTE]
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