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ADHD 27 Year Old Daughter - Narcissistic?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 725372" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there.</p><p></p><p>My short answer is hello NO!</p><p></p><p>ADHD is no reason to be a jerk. Nothing is. I don't know if she is a narcicist. Neither of us are professionals. I think she may be borderline, but what do I know? I have been a mental health patient since age 23 and I am no spring chicken. I know that the mental health community is not exact. There are no blood tests to assure that a diagnosis is correct.</p><p></p><p>1. No disorder, short of psychosis, means you can't be nice and can't at least TRY to do well. My autistic son is on his own, adulting. I had severe depression and anxiety and no support system as a young adult. In a way, I'm glad nobody cared and my parents were unsympathetic. Nobody felt sorry for me so I had to do my best to adult and be a mother, after I married my first husband and had my son (first husband had no sympathy either). I also had serious learning disabilities and bet I also had/have ADHD. This does not make you sell a house, party all your money away, then yell at parents to give a handout.</p><p></p><p>2. medications do not change people from mean to nice. medications do not add empathy to someone who lacks it. I have a son, my oldest, who has always been empathy challenged. The rest of us bleed for everyone. Go figure (shrug and rolled eyes).</p><p></p><p>3. Your daughter had a job, was paid well and also had endless love and support. She is a woman, not a child. All she did is on her shoulders.</p><p></p><p>Usually our difficult adults don't appreciate the idea of a short time leg up, and they don't take advantage of it. Instead, they misinterpret it to mean that we as parents should care for them in every way for all their lives while they act like children.</p><p></p><p>Young adults who are like I was, whose parents didn't care, HAD to grow up and most of us do. The leg ups in my opinion harm them more than hurt.</p><p></p><p>I was kind to my kids, including autistic son, but I expected him to do what my other kids did...laundry at 12 years old, meals if he didn't like what I cooked, and work when he graduated. He is on Social Security, but not that much because he works. He has his own apartment. He pays for everything out of his own money. All. Even cell bill. All my kids do.</p><p></p><p>We never had a lot of money, (especially me and my second and bestest husband!) so we never handed anything out and again I believe this was good for our kids, all working hard and never expecting us to help them out. Recently I inherited some money and was able to give my youngest a down payment on a house, but she is such a good kid, almost ready to get into the police academy, and never once complaining that other kids in her schools had more than her. So we WANTED to do it.</p><p></p><p>From now on we will help here and there when we want, but would not if a kid demanded it or didn't work hard.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion it's best to let daughter make it herself. Or not. She may never grow up if you don't get out of her way and tell her "I love you but you have to do it, not me." Ignore her toddler tantrums. Hang up or stop texting if daughter is abusive. You are too kind to listen to that nonsense.</p><p></p><p>Many folks here had/have lots more money than me and hubby, and their difficult kids had more monetary advantages. I think it actually helped my kids to have to work for what they have. One of our daughters child was a drug addict. We made her leave at 19. She had nothing but clothes with her. She had no car. I believe it is an unnecessary thing to buy our kids cars. She quit drugs within six months of leaving, took out a college loan for a two year college, and paid it back on her own. Now she has a house in the Chicago suburbs. She has been with same boyfriend for twelve years and gave me an awesome grandchild; the best little girl ever!</p><p></p><p>My oldest has a difficult personality, but a good job and like the others got no money from us. Now he is in a court battle with ex for his son and my ex husband pays his lawyer, but that is it. </p><p></p><p>I guess my long winded point is...we can give too much, I think. They don't work hard to do better if we are always there with our rescuing. They tend to do better when we stop. Been on this site ten plus years. Read it all. </p><p></p><p>Some of our adults refuse to do better even when we stop helping, but that is on their shoulders. Your daughter is smart and able bodied and can call for a mental health evaluation and can take medications, if offered. But you can't make her do it. We can not force another person to do anything.</p><p></p><p>Lastly but not least, YOU deserve a life apart from her she is 27 and no longer needs a Mommy. An adult to adult relationship makes more sense. And its more fun for both of us.</p><p></p><p>All of us have our own opinions. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest. You were a great mother. Reward yourself with a great rest of your life!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 725372, member: 1550"] Hi there. My short answer is hello NO! ADHD is no reason to be a jerk. Nothing is. I don't know if she is a narcicist. Neither of us are professionals. I think she may be borderline, but what do I know? I have been a mental health patient since age 23 and I am no spring chicken. I know that the mental health community is not exact. There are no blood tests to assure that a diagnosis is correct. 1. No disorder, short of psychosis, means you can't be nice and can't at least TRY to do well. My autistic son is on his own, adulting. I had severe depression and anxiety and no support system as a young adult. In a way, I'm glad nobody cared and my parents were unsympathetic. Nobody felt sorry for me so I had to do my best to adult and be a mother, after I married my first husband and had my son (first husband had no sympathy either). I also had serious learning disabilities and bet I also had/have ADHD. This does not make you sell a house, party all your money away, then yell at parents to give a handout. 2. medications do not change people from mean to nice. medications do not add empathy to someone who lacks it. I have a son, my oldest, who has always been empathy challenged. The rest of us bleed for everyone. Go figure (shrug and rolled eyes). 3. Your daughter had a job, was paid well and also had endless love and support. She is a woman, not a child. All she did is on her shoulders. Usually our difficult adults don't appreciate the idea of a short time leg up, and they don't take advantage of it. Instead, they misinterpret it to mean that we as parents should care for them in every way for all their lives while they act like children. Young adults who are like I was, whose parents didn't care, HAD to grow up and most of us do. The leg ups in my opinion harm them more than hurt. I was kind to my kids, including autistic son, but I expected him to do what my other kids did...laundry at 12 years old, meals if he didn't like what I cooked, and work when he graduated. He is on Social Security, but not that much because he works. He has his own apartment. He pays for everything out of his own money. All. Even cell bill. All my kids do. We never had a lot of money, (especially me and my second and bestest husband!) so we never handed anything out and again I believe this was good for our kids, all working hard and never expecting us to help them out. Recently I inherited some money and was able to give my youngest a down payment on a house, but she is such a good kid, almost ready to get into the police academy, and never once complaining that other kids in her schools had more than her. So we WANTED to do it. From now on we will help here and there when we want, but would not if a kid demanded it or didn't work hard. in my opinion it's best to let daughter make it herself. Or not. She may never grow up if you don't get out of her way and tell her "I love you but you have to do it, not me." Ignore her toddler tantrums. Hang up or stop texting if daughter is abusive. You are too kind to listen to that nonsense. Many folks here had/have lots more money than me and hubby, and their difficult kids had more monetary advantages. I think it actually helped my kids to have to work for what they have. One of our daughters child was a drug addict. We made her leave at 19. She had nothing but clothes with her. She had no car. I believe it is an unnecessary thing to buy our kids cars. She quit drugs within six months of leaving, took out a college loan for a two year college, and paid it back on her own. Now she has a house in the Chicago suburbs. She has been with same boyfriend for twelve years and gave me an awesome grandchild; the best little girl ever! My oldest has a difficult personality, but a good job and like the others got no money from us. Now he is in a court battle with ex for his son and my ex husband pays his lawyer, but that is it. I guess my long winded point is...we can give too much, I think. They don't work hard to do better if we are always there with our rescuing. They tend to do better when we stop. Been on this site ten plus years. Read it all. Some of our adults refuse to do better even when we stop helping, but that is on their shoulders. Your daughter is smart and able bodied and can call for a mental health evaluation and can take medications, if offered. But you can't make her do it. We can not force another person to do anything. Lastly but not least, YOU deserve a life apart from her she is 27 and no longer needs a Mommy. An adult to adult relationship makes more sense. And its more fun for both of us. All of us have our own opinions. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest. You were a great mother. Reward yourself with a great rest of your life! [/QUOTE]
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