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Adopted adults have more problems....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 760132" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Oh, Nandina!!!! Thanks for responding.</p><p></p><p>I lived way on the near coast back then and flew Kay to go to The Chasnoff Clinic!!! How cool is that?</p><p></p><p>I read a lot at the time and have forgotten a lot of it now with years and all we have gone through. But it helped us at the time. And depressed us. We wanted to believe that if we just loved Kay enough, she would be just another loved child and her adoption status would not matter much.</p><p></p><p>It did. I think it usually does. The adopted kids in this forum, if I recall, were at lease semi estranged. In my parent group most kids had been adopted beyond infancy and most had a ton of problems. Some were children of substance abuse that continued during pregnancy. We suspect Kay's birthmother drank. Kay has problems of common sense, logical thinking and not learning from mistakes, consistent with alcohol ingested in utero. She has a hot temper, impulse control problems and anger. It is sad. I'm beginning to accept that a lot of this came with her and that she can't help it, especially since she won't get help.</p><p></p><p>In my other kids, I see family traits...ways of walking, talking, temperament, interests that are easy to trace. Kay is naturally loud, without tact, musically gifted, tall and beautiful, rebellious, negative, friendly, trusting and non conventional.</p><p></p><p>The rest of us are so different.</p><p></p><p>I tend to believe nature trumps nurture every time. I've seen it with Kay and with friends who also shared adoption stories. I think most adopted kids are also held back as they wonder about their families of birth. We raised and loved them. They know this. But we can't answer questions about why they look or are this way or that way. I think many feel like outsiders with us, no matter how hard we try to make it not the case. Knowing ones DNA is important enough that there is an industry collecting our spit and sending back details of our DNA, even names of relatives we may not know.</p><p></p><p>Our DNA matters to us. Being adopted....they never see people with the same DNA.</p><p></p><p>Nandina,your son is lucky that at least you are a relative and can answer these DNA questions. I believe not knowing screws these kids up more. I overheard Kay on the phone once.bi don't know who she was talking to. She was not angry this time, more puzzled. "I look in the mirror and wonder why I look this way. Who am I? I'm not like the rest of the family at all. They're nice and all, but I feel like an alien." Laughter. "They try. I still feel like an outsider. I feel bad because they love me so much but I feel like an alien..." Kay was maybe fourteen at the time. </p><p></p><p>Be well and thanks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 760132, member: 23706"] Oh, Nandina!!!! Thanks for responding. I lived way on the near coast back then and flew Kay to go to The Chasnoff Clinic!!! How cool is that? I read a lot at the time and have forgotten a lot of it now with years and all we have gone through. But it helped us at the time. And depressed us. We wanted to believe that if we just loved Kay enough, she would be just another loved child and her adoption status would not matter much. It did. I think it usually does. The adopted kids in this forum, if I recall, were at lease semi estranged. In my parent group most kids had been adopted beyond infancy and most had a ton of problems. Some were children of substance abuse that continued during pregnancy. We suspect Kay's birthmother drank. Kay has problems of common sense, logical thinking and not learning from mistakes, consistent with alcohol ingested in utero. She has a hot temper, impulse control problems and anger. It is sad. I'm beginning to accept that a lot of this came with her and that she can't help it, especially since she won't get help. In my other kids, I see family traits...ways of walking, talking, temperament, interests that are easy to trace. Kay is naturally loud, without tact, musically gifted, tall and beautiful, rebellious, negative, friendly, trusting and non conventional. The rest of us are so different. I tend to believe nature trumps nurture every time. I've seen it with Kay and with friends who also shared adoption stories. I think most adopted kids are also held back as they wonder about their families of birth. We raised and loved them. They know this. But we can't answer questions about why they look or are this way or that way. I think many feel like outsiders with us, no matter how hard we try to make it not the case. Knowing ones DNA is important enough that there is an industry collecting our spit and sending back details of our DNA, even names of relatives we may not know. Our DNA matters to us. Being adopted....they never see people with the same DNA. Nandina,your son is lucky that at least you are a relative and can answer these DNA questions. I believe not knowing screws these kids up more. I overheard Kay on the phone once.bi don't know who she was talking to. She was not angry this time, more puzzled. "I look in the mirror and wonder why I look this way. Who am I? I'm not like the rest of the family at all. They're nice and all, but I feel like an alien." Laughter. "They try. I still feel like an outsider. I feel bad because they love me so much but I feel like an alien..." Kay was maybe fourteen at the time. Be well and thanks. [/QUOTE]
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