Adoption issues

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

I know we have talked a lot about this before but I am bringing it up again. A few days ago we had a good conversation with my sons therapist. One things she said is difficult child has major abandonment issues. I asked her more about it because really I cant see how those possibly come from us. He may have felt abandoned when we left him at the TBS when he was 15 BUT he was already having major issues by then.... so I asked her if this was related to his being adopted. Her comment was probably... that all the literature talks about adopted kids often having issues with abandonment.

To me in a way this freed me up a bit from some of the uneasy guilt I feel. His being adopted was not my fault.... i am not the cause of that. It reminded me of an earlier therapist once commenting that his anger at me seemed to him to be displaced anger towards his birth mother.

I mentioned it to my easy child daugther (who is also adopted). She is and has been totally disgusted with difficult child. I try not to talk to her much about him because she really doesnt want to talk about him much and thinks we should just turn our backs on him I think. But I did mention he had abandonment issues. Her immediate reaction is that is probably because he is adopted. We had a really great (short) talk about it. She has obviously made peace with the issues herself BUT it struck me how she immediately understood this in him. She totally got it immediately. It was helpful to me to get her perspective.

The other thing the therapist said was that difficult child told her he has an easier time lying to the people he feels most connected with. That seems so backwards to me but I think is probably true.

I asked her why she thought what happened happened. She said that when he starts to get close to the real issues he runs.... and that is what she thinks happened here. It makes sense when you look at his pattern. He has been in lot of treatment and usually he starts off really getting somewhere.... and then he blows it in some big way.

So anyway we are just kind of waiting to hear something.... and I am just trying to take care of myself and go on with my life. I am going back to weight watchers this morning to get back on track food wise.... since I totally stopped paying attention when I was gone.

TL

 

[Signorina]

Hi TL. Welcome home. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person. I too have gotten good perspective on my difficult child from his siblings. Reminds me that I should pick pc18's brain again soon!

I hope I am not overstepping-but I wonder if you have any health info on his birth parents? It sounds like your difficult child's issues have a strong mental health component and I wonder if he has a generic tendency towards such. Though I suppose knowing "why" won't change the current situation.

My son is also one who flees. I think it stems from being completely uncomfortable with himself and trying to escape that feeling/himself. I've tried so hard to explain that he is just exacerbating his problems but he doesn't get it. I imagine your son gets to a point in treatment where he is forced to make a choice to abandon his old self and he gets scared and flees.

Welcome back!!! {{hugs}}}

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Sig..... yeah I think my son is very uncomfortable with himself.... and he just cant handle it and runs..... and we have a little info on his birth family and yes I do think his issues are partly the way he is wired and genetic... where I get stuck myself is wondering if there were ways we could have done things better. I need to stay away from that line of thinking. The fact is everyone makes mistakes in parenting... there is no one right way and no rule book we have to follow. So yes there are things we could have done better....BUT when I look at it logically I know I have absolutely done my best and that I have always given him love and more love.

Oh and that was the other thing about the convo with my daugther (who is really great I agree) is I made some comment about my feeling guilty and she said, you did everything you could.... this is not your fault. Hearing that from my 17 year old daughter is very comforting!!!

TL

 

[lovemysons]

TL,
I was not adopted but "let go of" ...abandoned if you will by my "dad". Did not meet the man til I was 17 as my mother and he divorced when I was 2. He had no interest in me.

By the age of 13 I cried myself to sleep many nights feeling as though I was not worthy of being loved well by a father...Thinking to myself that maybe if I had been born a Boy he may not have abandoned me???
When you are denied "love" from a parent...It can cause self hatred and self abuse in my opinion.
But I also believe that if you are genetically predisposed to be an addict that almost ANY pain is fuel.

I am glad to hear that your daughter is at peace with the adoption issue.
My hope is that one day your son will accept the help that you have so persistently tried to provide for him...and that he will grow into the young man he was meant to be!

LMS

 

[Nancy]

My difficult child had so many adoption issues growing up and I still think the adoption is at the root of a lot of her self esteem issues which then affects her behavior, but by far the most influencing factor in her life is her genes. She has followed down the exact same path as her bm down to the smallest of details. We gave her the opportunity to reunite woth her bm in an effort to give her some peace and closure but bm did not follow through. I get that adoption leaves a hole in their heart that a mac truck could drive through and we cannot begin to understand or fill it. But it really bothers me that we are the ones there for them to love them and wipe their tears and care for them and celebrate their birthdays and their successes and help them cope with their disappointments and we are the ones who advocate for them and go out on a limb for and never ever stopped loving or supporting them, and yet we are the ones they turn against and take all their anger and resentment out on when it should go elsewhere.

I'm so glad your easy child has been able to reconcile her conflicting feelings. If we could find a way to get our difficult child's to do the same they would be much better off.

Nancy

 

[92025]

My poor son was abandoned by his father. This is really the catalyst for so much of his situation. He has admitted to living with a constant yearning for a father and only pot takes the pain away for awhile (he was not caught with it at that time, was coming to me for help - but how to help him? His dad doesn't care about anyone but himself....)

 

[DammitJanet]

It doesnt always have to be adoption, it can also be a completely invalidating environment by the bioparents. I wish I had been adopted. I probably would have turned out better. Honestly, I think most parents are good unless they are truly neglectful. Most do a good enough job to get kids to adulthood in a normal shape. The kids who mess up and want to blame something are gonna find something to blame.