Adult children who stop talking to you

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Raven21901, Oct 21, 2010.

  1. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    I had a good relationship with my kids when they were small and as teens. When they grew up they decided mom was the bad guy. Around 18-20 they decided that they wanted me out of their life and not to contact them any further. My daughter is now 30 and my son 27. I was basically a single parent because their father was to busy drinking and running around. I was a stay at home mom that did all the things a mom are suppose to do for their children. I did the best I could. I would of loved to left their father sooner than I did but he threatened to run with the kids. So I stayed and now I am paying for it by my kids thinking I am the bad mother. Has anyone ever experienced this before. My kids do not speak to each other. It is just one big dysfunctional mess. I am remarried to a wonderful man. I miss my kids and want them in my life. How long can they go on punishing me.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    What do they think you did wrong? Stay with their dad too long? Do they have children of their own yet?
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Raven ((((hugs))))

    Busy already asked the questions I was thinking of.......... How you attempted to contact them recently? Maybe just for coffee to talk things over? If they do have children....they may be coming to a point in their lives where they can now look at it from your side and see your view of those years. From what you said it sounds as if they blame you for staying with their dad perhaps? Often children are unable to see the reasons behind a parents actions until they reach a certain point of maturity themselves. They still may have to work through their own feelings ect.....about it but can sometimes be reached out to and respond.

    We didn't communicate/see katie for 6 yrs. Her choice, not ours. One day, after having those years to mature, she took a chance and reached out. Not all family members were receptive to her at first and really gave her a piece of their mind, things that they really needed to say and she really needed to hear. Once we got past that point the healing's been a slow steady process from then. (little more than 2 yrs now)

  4. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    That could be part of the problem with my daughter, staying with their dad to long. She had several abusive relationships that I helped put a stop too, she ask me too. Then all of a sudden she wanted no contact with me. She won't tell me why. She just said that she is busy. She is 30 now and this has been going on most of her 20's. With my son. Could be part of staying with their dad to long and part where I had to make him leave the house because his girlfriend tried to beat up my 80 year old mother. All because my mom ask them to put their dishes in the dishwasher. So his girlfriend got violent and I made them leave. Then a few years later after not talking to me he calls me up and ask for money for a lawyer because he got arrested for possession of pot. I refused to give it to him and told him if he quit drugs he would have the money for a lawyer. He was mad on those two problems saying I did not stand by him.

  5. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    My daughter lives over an hour away. I txted her last month and ask to meet her because it was her birthday. I had to be in that area for a doctors appointment. She said she would be out of town for a long period of time and would not want to see me anyway. I found her home number on the internet and called and left a message. No response. I sent her a card which should be arriving this week. As for my son he moved to another state last year and never told me. I have no clue where he is. So I can not contact him. Well I did find out what town and state he is in but I have no address. His girlfriends family won't tell me anything they said stay out his life and his dad wont tell me anything either.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sounds like you are dealing with 2 difficult children with their own issues. Is there any history of mental health issues on either side of the family? I'm thinking ex most likely had something going on hence the drinking whether it was diagnosed or not. And unfortunately difficult child son has followed in his dad's footsteps and is doing drugs. Is that your fault? No. You could've left him when they were very very small and had the same turn out unless he had no contact whatsoever with biodad. (and heck even that wouldn't have been a guarantee)

    We can only do the best we can with what we know at the time.

    Do they have a relationship with their dad? They may also want you to stay in the familiar enabler role and be angry when you don't. That isn't your fault either. We can't change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. Sounds like they each have a lot to come to terms with. I'm sorry their choosing to blame you for someone else's behavior.

  7. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    For me on my side of the family we have a low seratonin level both on my mom and dads side. I have to take antidepressants that have seratonin in them. I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)'s/ptsd. For my ex. When he was in rehab he was diagnosed with anti-social behavior, bipolar, narcissist, and a sex addiction along with a drug and drinking problem and anger management problem. Those are the ones that I remember. Because he left in 1993. My daughter I have no clue if she has a relationship with her dad but my son I know he does because my ex's wife tries to throw it in my face whenever she can.

    You are right about the enabler role. They were both spiraling out of control and was always asking me for money. Finally I said no more money, you have to learn to stand on your own two feet and make your way in the world. My son was holding a job but always broke because of he drugs. I was not going to support his drug habit. My daughter was on a path of job of the week and I was not going to enable those traits. She always made the excuse someone was out to get me at her work place. After I stopped giving her money she stopped talking to me but was holding down a steady job. So I should be thankful I turned her into a productive adult. :)

  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It sounds as though as though they are angry that you called them on their own bad behavior, and gave them natural consequences for it. They're just not ready to accept that they did anything wrong. I know its difficult to take, but I hope knowing that you did the right thing in both situations, gives you some comfort. Still, it's a lonely feeling when your kids shut you out like that. Do you have a counselor that you see for yourself that can help you through this time? Al-Anon. Nar-Anon or Families Anonymous are also great resources in dealing with your son's substance abuse issues.

    I'm glad you found this site, it's a great group of parents, and many of us have "been there done that." Check out the threads in the FAQ/Board Help forum, where you can find information on how to create a signature for yourself, a guide to the abbreviations used on the boards here, and lots of other helpful info. You can also hold your mouse over any term that you see underlined, and it will show you the "definition" of that abbreviation.
  9. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm so glad you found us. The wise warriors on this board have helped me more than I can say - and they'll help you, too. I had a small taste of what you're dealing with at the end of summer. My 19year old daughter was very angry with me. She'd impulsively moved out of my home and into a hotel with a loser guy she met on the internet - and "knew" for a whopping three days!. I would not give her money, driver her to work, or do anything to assist her in this bizarre situation. When it fell apart, three weeks later, she moved back with her dad. While she was with this guy, she'd talk to me, text me, meet me for coffee. The day she moved back, she stopped speaking to me and did not speak to me for a month. It's a longer story than this, but I won't go into it now. The important thing was that I let her know, through her dad, that I loved her and wanted her in my life ... and then I waited. She finally called and we've never spoken about her absence other than to say we missed one another.

    She, unfortunately, continues her bad behavior at her dad's ... they have a nice little co-dependant relationship: he doesn't call her on her lying and her hypersexuality, and she doesn't call him on his drinking. It works for them, and it's out of my hands. BUT, she is now coming here every other weekend and - while here - she is on her best behavior. We aren't out of the woods yet but, at least for now, she respects my rules...even if it's only for a few days per month.

    Deep down, your kids respect your refusal to enable them. They can't see it now, but I'm betting they will. If there is a way you can extend a simple "I love you" to them - text, note, facebook, e-mail, message through someone who knows you both - then do so. Then wait and pray.

    I also suggest you read "CoDependant No More". It is very enlightening and it helped me to separate her choices and behavior from my beliefs and good intentions.

    Best of luck to you.
  10. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    That could be why my son speaks to his dad and not me because they have the drinking and drugs in common and his dad accepts that and I don't.

    As for my daughter I think she liked it when I was co-dependent on her and she was on me. But when I remarried I realized I was stronger than I thought. My daughter is a rescuer like I am. I like to rescue people that are in need but at the same time I was not going to do the co-dependent thing with my kids.

    What I mean about being a rescuer is I am disabled and wanted to be a productive part of society so I started a non profit to help kids that do not have much in their life. My daughter resents me doing that and thinks I am wasting my time. I am good at it and I have helped alot of people.

  11. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    Must be it. I know I did right but it still hurts that they do not speak to me. I sent my daughter a txt and a card and left a message on her answering machine. As for my son I can't get to him to tell him how much I care because his girlfriend intercepts everything. She is a control freak. Before he moved out our house I found a diary where she said she hated me and was going to do everything in her power to make sure that my son had nothing to do with me. I have no clue why she didn't like me. I just met the girl when my son moved back in with me when his dad did not approve of her. I never questioned why he did not speak to me for a year and half when he was at his dads. I just welcomed him home like he was gone for the night. Hard to say what she is telling him I could be saying. I am serious, she would even follow him to the bathroom. And when he had a job and she didnt she would sit in the car while he worked and he worked nights. Finally she got a job at the same place he did. Then she got layed off and he still had his job and she made him quit. They moved to another state and moved in with a man as old as me if not older that they met from a online video game called world of warcraft. They have been in that other state for a year now. I saw on their facebook page that they were in the area for a visit for 2 weeks but never came by to see me. She commented that family only they were visiting. On his facebook page he has his father listed as Saddam Hussein.

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Many of us have traveled this road, sad to say. It is heartbreaking and can drive you nuts as you analyze and reanalyze what you could have said or done that would result in the alienation. My advice? Live your life without them and hope that at some time in their future they decide to reconnect. It can not be forced by parental initiatives no matter how lovingly they are taken in hopes of reuniting. I know it is hard but from experience I really believe that's the only course that works. Hugs. DDD
  13. sclark

    sclark New Member

    What does difficult child stand for?
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    Welcome sclark!

    difficult child is short for Gift From God. It what we call our difficult children.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    good for you, I was too embarrassed to ask at first so I googled it and it connected to this site and that is how I found out it was gift from god.
  16. sclark

    sclark New Member

    I raised all 3 of my kids with my husband until 2009 when we separated. Now, my 20 year old son and my 17 year old daughter willl barely talk to me. They say nothing is wrong but they have shut me out of their lives. My youngest has maintained our great relationship. I am so broken hearted. I love my kids so much. I thought we had good relationships. I can not think of one reason for their behavior. Except to say that my husband made it look like I left them in financial straights while I ran off doing what made me happy. That is far from the truth and I expected them to see thru that and trust the mom they have known and love all these years. Praying for all this to turn around.

    I really appreciate this site for the ability to vent, learn and connect with other parents who can relate.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2011
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I like his advice.

    I adopted a child from Hong Kong at age six. He was never a difficult child, but once he married his wife it was never the same and he stopped talking to the entire family, except his father (who I am divorced from, and he's not all that nice to him either). His wife is a control freak, but so is he, maybe because of all those years spent in an orphanage. I tried everything to get into contact with him only to find out that he mocked my letters and even archived all of them in his computer. I finally got him and his wife to meet with me at his church (He is a strong Christian (um, yep!). He was very cold and handed me a list of ridiculously strict conditions if I wanted to see him, such as every single time I called him I would have to leave a message explaining my specific reason for calling or he would not call me back. That's one of the less silly conditions.

    The things he thought I did wrong were partly his own perception with his wife believing every word and dabbing at her eyes. He did not miss us. He did not particularly want to reconcile. We have not spoken since, but at least I had closure. I needed to know WHY he was doing this and, after he explained, I decided that it would be best for me to "let go and let God." I have four other kids who love me. I refuse to let this one young man ruin my life.

    How long will you be "punished?" I think in your case your kids will make contact with you again. After all, you raised them from birth and they did not live in an orphanage for six years. The parental attachment is strong. I have a question for you to ask yourself? Are you better off with them in your life? If so, prepare how you will respond when they do contact you. My own advice is to act dignified, not grateful for the crumbs. These particular kind of kids in my opinion do not respect you if you fawn all over them and don't expect to be treated well...and don't respect yourself. It doesn't feel cheated and angry...if they can walk all over you with the threat that they will not see you if they can't treat you like trash.

    One thing I got out of the meeting my my estranged son...I felt that a chapter had been closed and that I at least did not let him...or her...break me. I did not cry. I had his list of demands in my hands to remind me of what a control freak he is and, sadly, a judging and unforgiving person. in my opinion it is best to concentrate on those who love and respect can not control your kids, but you can control how YOU live your life. Please don't let them hold you hostage emotionally. I know it's EXTREMELY hard, but you have a life, with or without them. Live it.

    Keep us posted :)
  18. oldmama

    oldmama New Member

    I don't know how you all stood your ground when you child stopped talking to you!! I'm not that strong and i'm ashamed to admit it :(

    i won't bore you with all the details but my son's refusal to speak to me resulted in my leaving my husband and running to my son to take care of him... now he's 21 and refuses to move out of the house...

    oh my god, I've made such a mess of things..

    after reading these posts i am wondering if it would have turned out okay if I just ignored him when he refused to speak to me?

    I suck at playing chicken.. I always blink first.... :(
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If I had run to my son he would have made me leave. He was very independent and financially secure and was adopted at age six and didn't really feel like we were his family. That didn't stop ME from loving him as though I gave birth to him, but I didnt' go to him because it would not have worked. Plus my other kids were furious at him...I have four other kids...and he hadn't treated them well either. They would have seen it as a betrayal of them. So it's not that it was easy, it's that I had no choice.

    I learned that you can't make somebody love you, even your kids, even if you would die for them. I just count all my blessings and live my life with those who WANT to be in my life. I can't control this one child. Kids don't respect us anyway if we let them walk all over us. At least my son doesn't think I'm falling apart because of his choice.
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am kinda in the same boat. My 19 yo difficult child went back to school and didn't speak to us for 5 weeks, he did call last week - but we are barely on speaking terms. I posted last Sunday about how difficult it is for me. It's very unnatural to not be speaking to him on a daily basis - and very hurtful that he is apparently not having any difficulty while I am having a ton of difficulty.

    I recently ordered Dr. Joshua Coleman's book "When Parents Hurt" and I received it on Friday. So far, it's been very helpful to know I am not alone. I am only about 2 chapters in - so I haven't reached the strategies yet - but it seems to be a good book.

    Please know that you are not alone {{{hugs}}}