Adult children who stop talking to you

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toadkisser2005, May 7, 2013.

  1. toadkisser2005

    toadkisser2005 New Member

    This is a bit like what I am going through. Married young, I wasn't ready to be tied down to the commitment of a dairy farming life..... Stuck after 13 years of marriage, I left. My boys moved out immediately after turning 18 and eventually both of them have stopped talking to me. The youngest is 25 now and just stopped last month. He cut off all communication with me after I dropped him from my insurance for his car. (he got a 5th speeding ticket).... I am left feeling used, as he just finished his last stretch of college and just cut me off. Like I was just a convenience of money!
    The youngest and I were the closest to each other and never ever had bad words with each other. We spent a lot of time together and always maintained daily communications! Why did he do this??
    My oldest son and I never got a long much, and I can understand why he stopped talking to me. We have nothing in common, and don't even enjoy doing things with each other. Don't get me wrong... It still hurt! But I understand that split better!
    Mothers day is this weekend, and I know that neither one of them will acknowledge my existence!
    Leaves me feeling like, why did I even waste my time having children in the first place!
    Moving on here, with or without them!!

  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome TK, I moved your post onto it's own thread. You had responded to an old post. This way you are likely to receive more responses.

    I'm glad you're here, but sorry you are going through such struggles with your sons. You've come to the right place, many of us have similar stories.

    It's difficult to understand the choices our adult children make sometimes. I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts. Perhaps for the time being, it would be best to simply let it be, let some time pass and when it feels right let your youngest know your true feelings, your hurt, your willingness to work things out if he is too. Some parents who've experienced what you are, feel appropriate in simply sending messages of caring for awhile, just to let the kid know he/she is loved, while still giving them space to work out whatever they're working out. Sometimes after the dust settles a bit, people come around and are more willing to see their part and apologize or at least open up the lines of communication. And sometimes kids have to understand your boundaries and it takes them time to do it.......he may be used to you doing a lot for him and now he has to get used to a different way. If his is acting like a jerk to you and/or being disrespectful, then that's a different story. Of course, this is only my opinion, I am not in your shoes, nor do I know the whole story, you have to do what you feel is right.

    Just know that we on this board have been all over the parenting landscape, the good, the bad and the ugly..........we are a very supportive, caring group of parents and we understand most of what other parents go through, so if it feels right, please keep posting. Our kids can hurt us more then anyone else can..............hang in there.............sending good thoughts.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry about this. NOTHING hurts more than when a child rejects you and you aren't sure why.

    Since both did it, makes me think they've been talking to one another. Did anything happen lately that would make them use that as an excuse to stop talking to you? Yes, it's an excuse and, unless you abused them, it is very mean. Just wondering...did you leave the family home when you got divorced so that kids were with Dad and Dad had a chance to poison them against you? Anything else that united them in anger t ha you can think of? This includes even things that really don't make any sense or aren't true. Were they angry because you left dad?

    What is your life situation life now? Do you have loved ones to talk to? Are you remarried? Good friends?

    Sending you positivity and lots of hugs.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is the worst sort of hurt. :(

    Welcome to the board.

    Katie walked out of our lives for 6 yrs without a word after we went bankrupt helping her. She's been back for about 3 yrs now. We talk when she feels like talking, see her when she feels like being social. And had another year of not talking after her dad died. I've learned to accept it as "it will be what it will be" with this child. Doesn't always make it less painful, but it does help to deal with it.

  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Speaking from the perspective of a child who has stopped interacting with my parents, I think moving on is the best -- really, the only -- thing you can do.

    Fwiw, I don't hate my parents. I don't really feel any negative emotions toward them. I just know that my life and that of my family is much better, healthier and happier without them in it. So I stay away, and have no intention of changing the status quo, regardless of pleas and pressure from them.

    Whatever took place between you, and there is likely a vast difference in perspective as to what did take place, they will return to the fold if and when they are ready, or not. Trying to force the issue might only serve to entrench them in their current position. Give them time and space, focus on yourself and other loved ones, and live your life as best and happily as you can.