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Adult Daughter Causing Heartache
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 665955" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Emstaggs, welcome. I'm sorry that happened with your daughter. You and your husband find yourself in the strange universe we all live within here, where we are forced by our adult kids behaviors to learn different parenting skills. The article on detachment runnawaybunny suggested is a good place to start.</p><p></p><p>When our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason, especially if they are stealing, lying, manipulating and in general treating us badly, we have to find a very different way to respond to them. It isn't easy, there are many facets of the process of detaching, setting boundaries and learning different responses.</p><p></p><p>I believe the first step is in enlisting support for you and your husband. If you think your daughter has mental issues, look up NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have excellent courses for parents and lots of information and resources for YOU. If you believe your daughter is involved in drugs or alcohol, seek out a 12 step group like Al Anon which will give you tools. A support group for parents or a private therapist is an option you may want to explore. The point is that your daughter may or may not change, so what is most important is that YOU change, you learn different ways to respond, you learn ways to take care of YOU, you learn a different communication style, how to say no, how to set boundaries, how to take a step back from the ledge of enabling and choose a different way to proceed.</p><p></p><p>Those of us here on this forum are in varying stages of letting go. We are learning how to accept what is and let go of situations within which we have no control. We are powerless to change our adult kids. Not usually a place many of us know how to navigate. As parents we've believed if we love them enough, give them enough, help them enough, do whatever enough, they will change, they will grow, they will launch. That is not the truth. We don't have that kind of power. If we did, this forum wouldn't exist because we have all tried EVERYTHING already and if that were the ticket, all our kids would be just fine.</p><p></p><p>To answer your question directly, "does the guilt & pain get any easier?" Yes, absolutely. BUT, it takes a committed effort on your part to learn new tools. Parenting a typical child requires typical tools. The tools we need to learn about are not at all typical. In fact, they often fly in the face of parenting the way we believed parenting should be. Learning those tools will usually take some kind of professional, consistent and committed support, as I've mentioned, it is rare that we get through this alone. It is hard. It takes time. It's a process of radical letting go.</p><p></p><p>You can't change your daughter, or control her, or fix her or in any way do anything that will alter her behavior or choices. Only she can do that. If you stay the course and hang here with us, get support, keep posting, learn new tools, take good care of yourself and begin to focus on yourselves rather than your daughter, your life will change. The guilt subsides, the pain subsides and you gain your lives back regardless of what your daughter is doing or not doing.</p><p></p><p>You may also want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie; any books by Pema Chodron, who addresses living with uncertainty; books by Eckhart Tolle who addresses living in the present moment and learning acceptance.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Keep posting, it helps. There will be others along later or tomorrow, so keep checking back in. Read our stories. We're all in this together.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 665955, member: 13542"] Emstaggs, welcome. I'm sorry that happened with your daughter. You and your husband find yourself in the strange universe we all live within here, where we are forced by our adult kids behaviors to learn different parenting skills. The article on detachment runnawaybunny suggested is a good place to start. When our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason, especially if they are stealing, lying, manipulating and in general treating us badly, we have to find a very different way to respond to them. It isn't easy, there are many facets of the process of detaching, setting boundaries and learning different responses. I believe the first step is in enlisting support for you and your husband. If you think your daughter has mental issues, look up NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have excellent courses for parents and lots of information and resources for YOU. If you believe your daughter is involved in drugs or alcohol, seek out a 12 step group like Al Anon which will give you tools. A support group for parents or a private therapist is an option you may want to explore. The point is that your daughter may or may not change, so what is most important is that YOU change, you learn different ways to respond, you learn ways to take care of YOU, you learn a different communication style, how to say no, how to set boundaries, how to take a step back from the ledge of enabling and choose a different way to proceed. Those of us here on this forum are in varying stages of letting go. We are learning how to accept what is and let go of situations within which we have no control. We are powerless to change our adult kids. Not usually a place many of us know how to navigate. As parents we've believed if we love them enough, give them enough, help them enough, do whatever enough, they will change, they will grow, they will launch. That is not the truth. We don't have that kind of power. If we did, this forum wouldn't exist because we have all tried EVERYTHING already and if that were the ticket, all our kids would be just fine. To answer your question directly, "does the guilt & pain get any easier?" Yes, absolutely. BUT, it takes a committed effort on your part to learn new tools. Parenting a typical child requires typical tools. The tools we need to learn about are not at all typical. In fact, they often fly in the face of parenting the way we believed parenting should be. Learning those tools will usually take some kind of professional, consistent and committed support, as I've mentioned, it is rare that we get through this alone. It is hard. It takes time. It's a process of radical letting go. You can't change your daughter, or control her, or fix her or in any way do anything that will alter her behavior or choices. Only she can do that. If you stay the course and hang here with us, get support, keep posting, learn new tools, take good care of yourself and begin to focus on yourselves rather than your daughter, your life will change. The guilt subsides, the pain subsides and you gain your lives back regardless of what your daughter is doing or not doing. You may also want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie; any books by Pema Chodron, who addresses living with uncertainty; books by Eckhart Tolle who addresses living in the present moment and learning acceptance. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Keep posting, it helps. There will be others along later or tomorrow, so keep checking back in. Read our stories. We're all in this together......... [/QUOTE]
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