Adult Daughter Gone Crazy Over A Man

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Laos, Feb 22, 2015.

  1. Laos

    Laos New Member

    My adult daughter 27 years old with 5 year old daughter, broke up with her boyfriend about 1 year ago. She recently met a man (1 to 2 months ago the most) and has lost her mind. On her birthday week (last week), she was hardly not at home and a couple of times did not come home till the next day at about 9 to 10am. She did not put her daughter to sleep about 5 times that week because she would leave at 5:00pm to give her new man a ride because he does not have a car. She was not there in the morning when my granddaughter woke up several times. i believe he is almost 30 years old. She has done this same thing before. She meets a guy, goes crazy, it blows up in her face and then comes back to me. She is living with me and i am so sick and scared of her behavior because of my granddaughter. ALL the guys in her past were losers. One was violent. One was a pervert and had the habit of staring at women's breast and treated her like crap. The last one wound up living with us for a time (he is not a bad person - but he is a convicted sex offender). When i found out - my daughter said that she spoke to the girl and it was her mother who pursued charges against him because she did not want her daughter to continue relationship with him. He was 19 and she was 17 going on 18 years old. But it was same story with him! She met him and she decided that she was in love in less than 1 month. I am afraid of who she will expose my granddaughter to. She stopped going to college after the last one and does not have a job, although she is looking. She lies to me everyday. i have not met the new guy but from what i know there is something not right. He does not have a car, he wants to be a rapper or singer, he has a crappy job. Does he not care that she has a child. I can understand if she wants to go out on the weekends but during the week? What can i do to get through to my daughter and make her see that she needs to be right career wise and financially by herself first. We argue all the time. im so worried.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The first bit of advice I can give you is to post on Parent Emeritus, the forum for parents of adult children. Welcome to our rather close and helpful family. We have been there, wherever you are. The board you posted on is for parents of minor children which, of course, is different.

    The next thing I have to say is NO MORE OF HER LOSESR BOYFRIENDS LIVING WITH YOU AGAIN EVER!!! NOT FOR ANY REASON! She is disrespecting you by this and you are allowing her to treat you like garbage. Don't EVER allow that again. You are a good, caring, too softhearted person who does NOT and SHOULD NOT ALLOW your adult daughter to yell, swear, scream at you and...dare I suggest...maybe even threaten to assault you or steal from you. This is YOUR house, YOUR castle and she is privileged to be allowed to live there. You can revoke that at any time. She has no business bringing criminals into your home where her own daughter also lives and you really should not ever allow it. It's a threat to you and your granddaughter and your daughter is too selfish and me-centric to care. She is what she is. You have to take care of yourself and your granddaughter, not her.

    There is NOTHING you can do to change your daughter. She has to change herself of her own accord. The best thing you can do is to stop rescuing her when she falls and to let her write her own life's story because you have 0% control over anyone except yourself. You have 100% control over how you react to her, but you can't change her. I have no idea why you want to meet her loser boyfriends. You can't stop her from dating them. You CAN decide to stop letting her live with you and take other action to protect your granddaughter, but you will not change your daughter. She could be using drugs by your desceiption of you and, no, she does not really care about being a mother. Why should she? YOU take care of her daughter. She doesn't even have to worry about her daughter and I'm sure she gives her child little thought when she is with her newest Mr. Wonderful.

    She sounds as if she may have borderline personality disorder. Has she ever had a diagnosis of any kind? Borderlines can not bear to be alone and are able to quickly turn people off and on like a TV channel so when she has a boyfriend, he is her world and nobody else matters. She would also be highly dramatic, very immature, and and me-centric. It does not sound like her daughter comes first.

    Now if you want to continue to allow her to live in your house, many of us have told our adult kids "My house/my rules or pack your bags." You can insist that in your house she has to be home by 10pm or whatever time you want. You can insist that if she leaves the house you will lock her out and sh e will have maybe two months to find a place to stay or, whether she has a place or not, she is out. At the same time you can call CPS to report that she is not caring for her daughter and, if you want to, perhaps you can end up with custody. If you don't want that, there is foster care. Or your daughter can sign over guardianship of the granddaughter to you.

    Worrying about her won't change her one wit. Are you in therapy for yourself to learn how to cope with having a difficult grown child? Most of us need it and get it!

    There are big questions you have to ask yourself such as how many years to want to be a mommy to your adult daughter? Many of us have decided we want a life, even though we had struggling adult children. Many of us have decided we won't parent anymore and we will allow our young men and women to be adults and figure it out themselves, even if they stumble. Other people take care of their c hildren forever, even when they are eighty-five and their adult "child" is sixty years old and still unable to take care of himself. To me, that is a very sad scenario. Usually these adult children do not care about us except as the ATM and White Knight rescuer.

    But it IS an option.

    Our adult children are great at turning everything around as our fault. Their crummy life is our fault. Don't buy it. It's a load of trash. Don't engage your daughter if she tries to argue with you. Walk away or leave the house or say, "Sorry, I'm taking a shower now" then do it.

    As for your daughter's many boyfriends, a symptom of borderline which she may have or may not have, that isn't your business who she chooses to date. If s he picks losers, she picks losers. I would not waste one word about her choice of losers to her. She is not going to listen. She is not a little girl and when it comes to making her own bad decisions, she will not listen to you. So I would just say, "I am not going to listen to you talk about Loser from now on. But he is not allowed in my house. Remember, this is MY house." Yes, she will be mad. She may had a two year old meltdown. Too bad. Call the cops if she gets violent.

    Anyhow, I hope we can learn more about your situation and I do recommend you post on PE rather than here.

    Hugs for your poor, tired hurting heart. Have been there, but come out feeling great with a very blessed life and you can too.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2015
  3. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome @Laos

    I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you needed to.

    Your daughter is not making good choices. I can see why you're worried about the welfare of your granddaughter. It's a bad situation all around.

    I moved your thread into our Parent Emeritus forum. This is where we discuss our parenting issues involving children that are over 18. You'll be more likely to get responses in this forum.
  4. Laos

    Laos New Member

    Thank you so much for the advice. It is appreciated. I never thought I would be in this position, but what a relief to find others who understand.
  5. Laos

    Laos New Member

    Thank you for the information.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome, Laos. I can definitely relate to your post – my Youngest dated a string of abusive men (boys, really, since it started when she was a teenager) and had two kids by two of them. It’s a very helpless feeling to watch your daughter make such poor choices, especially when there are children involved. Women that choose abusive men seem to do so from a place of extremely low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness – they reach out to men that give them attention, even negative attention. Abusers target those kinds of women and it becomes a vicious cycle. Because of that, I think showing them support and love is really important – and letting them know that they deserve better. I found that the more I tried to convince y daughter to leave the men, the more I pushed her towards them – so all I could do was to tell her I loved her, wanted what was best for her, and believed she was worth more than how she was being treated. It took a long, long time to get through all that though.

    Have you tried sitting her down in a moment of calm and attempting to talk to her about your concerns? Would she be willing to talk to a domestic abuse hotline or go to therapy? Maybe if you volunteered to go with her to talk to someone, it would help.

    I do think it’s important to put down rules while she’s living there. Taking care of her own child (instead of relying on you to do it) should be #1. When my daughter and her kids lived with me, she knew that I would NOT babysit them during the week unless something important (i.e., a class or a job interview) came up. I rarely babysat on the weekends, either, unless I had a free night and actually wanted to .. my own plans came first. She was responsible for putting them to bed and getting them up in the morning.

    All that’s easier said than done, I realize. But just something to think about. Maybe think about putting a call into a domestic abuse hotline yourself, to see if they have some other advice about the situation. If you suspect there is an addiction issue, think about going to an Al-Anon meeting.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You might suggest to her that as she is gone so often (not being judgmental of her decisions, just making an observation) that she might want to give you shared guardianship rights over her daughter (much easier to get authorities to listen to your concerns) in case granddaughter has an illness or accident while daughter is away.

    Your difficult child isn't going to change, and your home is a safe place for your granddaughter. Your duty is to your granddaughter.
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I agree your daughter sounds like she may have shades of borderline or the full blown personality disorder. Here is more information from the United States National Institute of Mental Health:
    I am so sorry you are going through this and I agree that it is time to put your grandaughters needs first.
  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I would absolutely lay down some rules. She needs to be home to put her daughter to bed every night. Home by midnight or locked out. She has to find a job in x amount of time. She needs counseling. She is jumping from man to man and this not good for your grand child. No boyfriends live in your home. Your home is a safe haven for your grand child and you.
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I would not go that far about taking the custody from the mother because she did not put the child to sleep 5 times in one week he is 5 year its time to learn to sleep by himself I taught mine to do that by the time they where 5 also its not something that its considered child neglect. Also why do parents have to be there when the children wake up for a long time my grandparents where there when I woke up because my parents where at work but they could not not work after all what should they have done. My children also woke up with my wife and me not being there because we had to work I left them food on the table taught them what they had to do and that was all and until they learned what to do I left them at my mother. And now their adults and on their own not without their issues but on their own.
    If we look back how many of us did things that could be considered child neglect none of you left your children alone for minutes none of them got hurt when you where watching them. Also never foster care its like putting them from a not very good place to hell.
    You daughter has poor judgment in men or boys you can tell her she can not bring her boyfriends home but I will not go that far with the custody.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is an old thread
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks SWOT, I just started to respond when I saw your comment.