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Substance Abuse
Adult daughter living with me on drugs
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 656865" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>I think this whole process is a journey for them and for us. Somewhere.... you were lucky in a way that your daughter chose to quit drugs after being kicked out of your house. We too kicked our son out at age 18. I still believe that was the right choice at the time because we could not continue living like we had been and it was not good at all for my younger daugther.</p><p></p><p>However it has taken him a lot longer to start pulling himself together. He didnt quit drugs, lived with friends, has been in jail 3 times and has lived on the street. I think that for whatever reason had to be his process. He had to find out the hard way that he does not want to spend his life in jail or be homeless again. So my only point is that tough love, and kicking them out also does not necessarily get them to do the right thing.</p><p></p><p>I think it is all about doing what you can live with... and does the best to take care of you in the process. </p><p></p><p>My son is now 23 and ended up moving across the country to avoid arrest again. It has been a crazy journey for him and for us. But now he is starting to pull things together, although I know he is drinking which I am not happy about obviously. But he is working steadily and has been since January. We are helping him out here and there financially. A part of me wonders if we are enabling him... but really him being on the streets was pretty darned hard on me and so yes I want to help him stay off the streets... and he is doing a lot of right things and is making progress and I want to support that.</p><p></p><p>So I dont like to say never... because I am dealing with my son differently now than I did 4 years ago, and probably differently than I will 4 years from now.</p><p></p><p>So Katemary.... you obviously have been through a lot, given that you have already been through this with your son. I have come to realize I have absolutely no control over my sons substance abuse and I cant base any of support really on if he is or is not using.... because if I do that he will lie to me and do all kinds of crazy things to get what he wants. So my trying to control his drug use by threats, or withholding support is totally pointless. What I will base my support on is his behavior. If he is doing things to help himself, such as working or doing well in school etc. then I am willing to help him. If he is in self destruct mode and doing nothing or worse then I will not help him. At this point I leave the drug use out of it. Because really if he is using a lot of drugs it shows in his behavior anyways.</p><p></p><p>I am sure you are extra sensitive to the possibility of your daughter using drugs, because of what you have been through with your son. Is your daughter working, contributing to the household etc? I would not threaten to kick her out based on her drug use.....but I would tell her she needs to find something else if she is not doing productive things with her life. And as much as I hate to say this many people in their 20s use drugs or drink and still lead productive lives. Of course it depends on what they are using and how much... if they become serious addicts it is hard to really live a productive life.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting.. I think we all understand.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 656865, member: 15801"] I think this whole process is a journey for them and for us. Somewhere.... you were lucky in a way that your daughter chose to quit drugs after being kicked out of your house. We too kicked our son out at age 18. I still believe that was the right choice at the time because we could not continue living like we had been and it was not good at all for my younger daugther. However it has taken him a lot longer to start pulling himself together. He didnt quit drugs, lived with friends, has been in jail 3 times and has lived on the street. I think that for whatever reason had to be his process. He had to find out the hard way that he does not want to spend his life in jail or be homeless again. So my only point is that tough love, and kicking them out also does not necessarily get them to do the right thing. I think it is all about doing what you can live with... and does the best to take care of you in the process. My son is now 23 and ended up moving across the country to avoid arrest again. It has been a crazy journey for him and for us. But now he is starting to pull things together, although I know he is drinking which I am not happy about obviously. But he is working steadily and has been since January. We are helping him out here and there financially. A part of me wonders if we are enabling him... but really him being on the streets was pretty darned hard on me and so yes I want to help him stay off the streets... and he is doing a lot of right things and is making progress and I want to support that. So I dont like to say never... because I am dealing with my son differently now than I did 4 years ago, and probably differently than I will 4 years from now. So Katemary.... you obviously have been through a lot, given that you have already been through this with your son. I have come to realize I have absolutely no control over my sons substance abuse and I cant base any of support really on if he is or is not using.... because if I do that he will lie to me and do all kinds of crazy things to get what he wants. So my trying to control his drug use by threats, or withholding support is totally pointless. What I will base my support on is his behavior. If he is doing things to help himself, such as working or doing well in school etc. then I am willing to help him. If he is in self destruct mode and doing nothing or worse then I will not help him. At this point I leave the drug use out of it. Because really if he is using a lot of drugs it shows in his behavior anyways. I am sure you are extra sensitive to the possibility of your daughter using drugs, because of what you have been through with your son. Is your daughter working, contributing to the household etc? I would not threaten to kick her out based on her drug use.....but I would tell her she needs to find something else if she is not doing productive things with her life. And as much as I hate to say this many people in their 20s use drugs or drink and still lead productive lives. Of course it depends on what they are using and how much... if they become serious addicts it is hard to really live a productive life. Keep posting.. I think we all understand. TL [/QUOTE]
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