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Adult daughter update... I will never get it. Ever.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 684852" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi SuperG, I know how difficult this is with grands in the journey. My daughter has three kids from the same mixed up boyfriend and it has been a hard road for all of us. It was the grands that kept us involved mostly, they cant help being born into a crazy situation. Of course we love our daughter, but same scenario as yours, instead of different boyfriend's same one, and drugs......ugh. My grands have been to , well I lost count, maybe 7 schools and they are still in elementary. It is heart wrenching. I have learned the hard way that I needed to detach, and it really has been through my daughter going no contact. Many posts later, here I still am.</p><p>I will never get it ever, either.</p><p>According to my daughter, it is all my fault that she is this way.</p><p>Malarky.</p><p>I love my grands, do not see them as often as I would like, but after all I have been through, it has gotten a bit easier with time. They know I love them. They just cannot live with us anymore. Hubs is ill and the drama and chaos is not good for any of us.</p><p></p><p>I want to be the cookie baking grandma.</p><p></p><p>Posting here has helped me tremendously to understand that this is the rest of MY life. Not just by posting my own grief, but answering others.</p><p></p><p>So, here I am.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is going to make the choices she does. She is an adult and unfortunately does not see her responsibility the same way you do, or did. It is really simple, when it comes down to realizing this.</p><p></p><p>Also, she is the legal parent of these kids.</p><p></p><p>I know how hard this is SuperG, and how heart breaking and unfair it is for the grands. I don't know how much you are "helping", but something has to give, or I can see your daughter just having more kids.</p><p></p><p>She does not have to change if nothing changes on your end.</p><p></p><p>As long as you are willing to pick up the slack for her, slack she will.</p><p></p><p>These are things for you to think about.</p><p></p><p>Nothing has to be done right this minute, but you may want to start to set some boundaries to how much you are willing to do, and how much it is really helping.</p><p></p><p>We will not be around forever to step in, so the sooner you figure this out, the sooner your daughter understands that you are going to put a limit to what you are doing, and she has to come up with a better strategy.</p><p></p><p>We over-helped for a long time. My grands were raised in some really awful circumstances and are pretty street wise. After awhile, I figured out I was doing them a disservice by stepping in so much, mom didn't appreciate it, then they started with an attitude of entitlement. That is a long story, but what it boiled down to is that their mother didn't respect us, so neither did they.</p><p></p><p>If we bend over backwards to the detriment of our own health and sanity, <em>then we are disrespecting ourselves. </em></p><p></p><p>I love my daughter and my grands, but enough, was enough.</p><p></p><p>I figure God willing, I might have another 20 years of okay health.</p><p>That is a short time.</p><p></p><p>We have worked hard all of our lives, raised kids and did the best job we could. Time for boundary setting and drawing the line. Sit down and figure out what you are willing to do, and make plans to do it.</p><p></p><p>Be the cookie making grandma.</p><p></p><p>I was thinking about pretending to have alzheimer's or something like that.</p><p>If my daughter decides to call me, I'll just be sweet and loving and repel all the drama with dementia. LOL.</p><p></p><p>Figure out what YOU want to do. You call the shots. You draw the line.</p><p></p><p>This is your time.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 684852, member: 19522"] Hi SuperG, I know how difficult this is with grands in the journey. My daughter has three kids from the same mixed up boyfriend and it has been a hard road for all of us. It was the grands that kept us involved mostly, they cant help being born into a crazy situation. Of course we love our daughter, but same scenario as yours, instead of different boyfriend's same one, and drugs......ugh. My grands have been to , well I lost count, maybe 7 schools and they are still in elementary. It is heart wrenching. I have learned the hard way that I needed to detach, and it really has been through my daughter going no contact. Many posts later, here I still am. I will never get it ever, either. According to my daughter, it is all my fault that she is this way. Malarky. I love my grands, do not see them as often as I would like, but after all I have been through, it has gotten a bit easier with time. They know I love them. They just cannot live with us anymore. Hubs is ill and the drama and chaos is not good for any of us. I want to be the cookie baking grandma. Posting here has helped me tremendously to understand that this is the rest of MY life. Not just by posting my own grief, but answering others. So, here I am. Your daughter is going to make the choices she does. She is an adult and unfortunately does not see her responsibility the same way you do, or did. It is really simple, when it comes down to realizing this. Also, she is the legal parent of these kids. I know how hard this is SuperG, and how heart breaking and unfair it is for the grands. I don't know how much you are "helping", but something has to give, or I can see your daughter just having more kids. She does not have to change if nothing changes on your end. As long as you are willing to pick up the slack for her, slack she will. These are things for you to think about. Nothing has to be done right this minute, but you may want to start to set some boundaries to how much you are willing to do, and how much it is really helping. We will not be around forever to step in, so the sooner you figure this out, the sooner your daughter understands that you are going to put a limit to what you are doing, and she has to come up with a better strategy. We over-helped for a long time. My grands were raised in some really awful circumstances and are pretty street wise. After awhile, I figured out I was doing them a disservice by stepping in so much, mom didn't appreciate it, then they started with an attitude of entitlement. That is a long story, but what it boiled down to is that their mother didn't respect us, so neither did they. If we bend over backwards to the detriment of our own health and sanity, [I]then we are disrespecting ourselves. [/I] I love my daughter and my grands, but enough, was enough. I figure God willing, I might have another 20 years of okay health. That is a short time. We have worked hard all of our lives, raised kids and did the best job we could. Time for boundary setting and drawing the line. Sit down and figure out what you are willing to do, and make plans to do it. Be the cookie making grandma. I was thinking about pretending to have alzheimer's or something like that. If my daughter decides to call me, I'll just be sweet and loving and repel all the drama with dementia. LOL. Figure out what YOU want to do. You call the shots. You draw the line. This is your time. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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Adult daughter update... I will never get it. Ever.
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