Adult Son A Mess..we are tired...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by rosepress, May 31, 2013.

  1. rosepress

    rosepress New Member

    My soon to be 2o year old has ADD and whatever they call adult ODD. He smokes weed every day. He had been on medication all his life, but stopped when his grades were good. Sophmore year, he went down hill. He was bullied, been much of a loner, had trouble with making lasting relationships, still does, started smoking weed. He loses things constantly, wallets, phones, anything...and most of the time, says. "oh well" and replaces them. He does not focus, and makes, horrible, horrible choices.

    Last year, he moved into an apt, had 2 people live with him, who later, robbed him while he was at work. He trusts everybody. He has anger issues and is unmotivated. He lost his job of 3 years because he flunked a drug test, came to work stoned. He had the opportunity to keep his job if he went to rehab. He refused because he said he was not going to give up the weed. Since he had no job, he had to move out of his apt, we said he could live with us if he behaved and get help. He has anger issues and he made our home impossible to enjoy. We constantly walked on egg shells. His living with us lasted a few weeks, had many blow ups and melt downs, disrespected our home, brought in drugs, room smelled like weed that spilled over to the air in the hallway where our 12 year old son also was. My husband had a fit, told him this wasnt going to work and to get his stuff out of the house, son told us off and my husband kicked him out. On a Thursday night, late, my husband said he could stay until morning but my son said some choice words and started packing. My husband told him we loved him, but that he needed help. Out the door he went.

    My husband instructed his parents, not to let him live with them, so for a month, he lived in his car, stayed at friends house, spent time sitting in the library to keep warm. Most of the time, I had no idea where he was, which isn't easy for a mother. He still visited from time to time and my husband asked him if he was ready to go to rehab? He said no, and he would stay for a little bit, and he was gone. We thought this was the rock bottom he needed, no more enabling him.

    He did this for awhile, until one day, he had a fight with my husband, my son left our house upset and peeled out of our driveway....few blocks away, he ran his car into another car. Their car was not too damaged, but his was. He called his dad to tell him what happened and that he had no where to go, and that he would consider some help. My son went into a substance abuse program, one of the best in our area. What a joke. It was expensive and most of the people in therapy and in the class were alcoholics, he was not ready to quit, did not get anything out of it. I tried talking to the main counselor and doctor, but they were of little help. We took him out of there and got a pychaitrist that was highly recommended by a doctor he use to see but no longer is in the area. We told him in order to stay in our home, he would have to go to him on a regular basis. I know he is considered and adult, but I emailed the doctor ahead of time to "fill" him in what's going on. He did email me back once and said that he will try to help our family. My son did not volunteer anything he didn't want to, however he did tell the doctor that he smoked weed. Almost EVERY doctor our son has seen, seemed to think that weed wasn't the big issue, and we understand that, but they act as if its ok. He isn't a recreational smoker, he smokes EVERY DAY. The doctor put him on Concerta in the morning and Ritlin in the evening. We thought as his parents, we would give him some time to get his "life" together. He always said he wanted to go to college for business law, but never seems to be motivated to make this happen. He has been out of high school now for one year. In the past year, he lost a job, lost a girlfriend, lost his apartment. and totaled his car, but had 3 previous accidents and only been driving for 2 years. He has lost 3 wallets this year, 3 cell phones, and an Ipod. He blames loosing his things on his gym pants...his accidents on the weather or "this" guy stopped all of a sudden, and other reasons, never his fault.

    My son, despite his problems. is intelligent, was on the honor roll at school through out the years, loving, never lies, always tells us the truth, sometimes too much honesty, has a good heart, but, he is, never the less, just a mess. No common sense, no motivation for his future, no sense of urgency, doesn't care what others think about him.

    While he lives with us, he does chores, does whatever we ask, stays out of trouble, is home most of the time, but does not work or go to school yet. A friends brother gave him a chance with his painting company and gave him a job, giving him simple tasks, but he messed up and they let him go. Explained it off as it was a stupid job anyway. He can not FOCUS and do a good job with anything. He keeps saying he's going to college in the fall...but we think he will just be put it off again. Like most addicts, he is a thinker, not a doer. What's scary to me is, everything that has happen to him, had that been me, I would have been depressed, embarrassed, or felt hopeless. He never does. He just gets back up and tries again the next day. He works out every other day at the gym and goes in there as if he don't have a care in the world. Doctor says working out is god for him....but an empty life for a 20 year old isn't good for any of us, including the 20 year old.

    Today, I just got home, he told me he lost his phone coming back from his friends house. Just when I thought we were making some head way. He is stoned out of his mind, and he smells of weed like I never smelled him before. I have had enough. I called my husband and said, something has to be done. I just don't have the answers. I don't think he will ever get well and that ife is way too hard for him, sometimes I feel as if he is mentally handicapped. I asked him if he had taken his medications today, he said no. I am no doctor, but I don't think his medications are to be taken whenever he feels like it, he needs something, I just don't have the answers. Our 12 year old has MORE common sense and brains than he does, and what's sad is, he agrees. We have overheard him in his room, calling himself an "idiot" many times than even he would want to admit.

    Any suggestions. Any of this sound familiar? I am not getting any younger, my husband has turned grey because of the stress and worrying about our oldest. I am afraid that one day, a car accident will do him in. We like the fact he isn't driving right now, and we will not let him drive our cars and he is never left alone in our house and has accept our rules. But....what does he need? Is there some chemical missing from his brain?...looking for answers... Thank you and God Bless you for letting me vent.
  2. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    im sorry you have these things happening but am glad you are here.

    your son and mine could be twins. Mine is ADHD, a pothead, goes to rehab cause he hasn't got anything better to do, loses everything, etc.

    i kicked mine out a month ago. Am in a motel 20 min from my home now because he threatened to come break in today. If you will go through some old posts here, you will likely find some wise advice.

    plz look for an al-anon, etc. group. Consider ordering some of their materials. Think about what you need to do to keep you sane and healthy. Operate from a position of strength. Keep posting.
  3. kennedyland

    kennedyland New Member

    American girl said it all, go to Al-anon, and do it tonight. Your not alone.