Adult Son abuses drugs and is not trustworthy.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Marsha Jackson, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. Caught in the dark

    Caught in the dark New Member

    I have read posts here. I don't think I'm ready to put my son out. During the last year I have lost my husband and my father. I am not strong enough at this point to lose someone else. My son is not abusive however he does not work, he uses drugs and he steals. Would it seem absurd to put padlocks on all the doors but his bedroom and the bathroom?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He must be of age. Of course it's not abusive. He is lucky you are not in the frame of mind to make him leave. I would hide and padlock all valuables and anything related to money. If he steals again you are perfectly within your rights to call the police. He should be accountable when he breaks the .law. that is not abusive.

    He is the one abusing YOU.

    I am so sorry for your losses. Love and light
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. Have you talked to him about a councelor or outpatient rehab? If you are not willing to call the police which i suspect you are not, could you make it a condition that if he steals from you again he has a choice of rehab or police? There needs to be some boundaries set. I wouldn't blame you for padlocks and maybe move anything of special value to a safe deposit box. You might also consider security cameras so that you are able to prove theft if need be. I would also consider telling him he has to contribute to household expenses so therefore he needs to get a job even if is is part time. You also need to know that if he is keeping drugs in your house there could be legal ramifications for you. Prayers are with you.
  4. Caught in the dark

    Caught in the dark New Member

    Thank you both for replying. I'm glad you replied. I feel like from what y'all are saying that I need a plan that includes him. I need to be willing to follow through. He is an adult and if there are no consequences other than my emotions he will not take me seriously. And yes padlocks in the mean time.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Caught, welcome and so sorry for your need to be here. I have suffered losses as well and am so sorry it is the same for you. I have come to realize that the grief of a loved one passing is a heavy load, but lessens with time, due to the finality of it. The grief of an adult child gone off the rails is different, because it is an ongoing battle with their choices and consequences, and our own emotional reactions.
    One can lose oneself in the midst of it all.
    You sound resolved for now, to locking up your valuables in hopes to keep your son near and possibly prevent him from further slipping deeper into his dark choices.
    I can relate to that, because we did the same for a time.
    That was hard. It was if a cloud loomed over our household. We were caught in the fog that many write of here, fear, obligation and guilt.
    My young son, 14 at the time, came to me and asked why we would have people in our home who we couldn’t trust, why should we have to lock up our rooms?
    This made me think about what was happening in my home, why had I allowed this for so long?
    Then, with time, I began to realize that as my two traveled the dark road of their choices, we became nothing more than an opportunity for them to continue as is. We went off to work, paid all the bills, while they took advantage of our home, no responsibility and went deeper into drug use, because they could. They would deny everything, “Its just pot.” “I didn’t take” from our wallets, heirloom jewelry, 25 years of their fathers treasure hunting, and so much more. Place blame “I am like this because of you.” Refuse to work. Disappear for days, then come “home” to sleep off their partying, while we diligently went to work and paid all the bills. It was a vicious cycle and we lived it, all in fear that we would lose them, and following the adage that “family helps family.”
    The longer they stayed, the worse things became, the more desperate we were, the more they grabbed hold of our desperation to pull us into the rabbit hole with them, so we would stay numb and blind to what was really going on. They were taking every advantage of family ties, weren’t seeking help from us to get better. They wanted a free ride so that they could keep drugging. Things went downhill for us and them fast. It was because they had no responsibility, which allowed them to go deeper into drugs.The deeper they went, the more fearful we became, the deeper we went.
    It was akin to double drowning. Swimming in the dark waters of their choices, they clung onto us, and figuratively held us under, as their main focus was to keep living in their drug haze.
    It didn’t matter to them that their actions were drowning us.
    In this way, we lost them already, as they were living in our home.
    We lost ourselves, too.
    Hubs and I felt differently, he wanted to keep trying, I had enough and felt that we were truly not helping our daughters to get better, they just got worse.
    In the midst of all of this, my father passed, my husband battled severe illness, hospitalization, and eventually passed, too.
    All through this time, my two continued on with their drugging lifestyle.
    What we want most for our children is to learn how to care for themselves, to think enough of themselves to become self sufficient, to turn away from bad choices, to build self esteem and good character, to practice self care, to be healthy, mentally and physically. To lead good productive lives.
    It does nothing for them, if we reduce ourselves to rugs and allow them to walk all over us with their outrageous choices.
    That is what I came to realize after living through what you are living now. I had allowed myself to accept the unacceptable, all because I love my two and thought I could save them.
    There was nothing further from the truth. The more they got away with, the more brazen they became.
    They went from drinking and smoking pot, to crack and meth.
    I had no idea.
    My “ helping” them, prolonged their use, and emboldened them to reduce our relationship to.....nothing. I had become nothing but an opportunity. Their drug using street friends are more important.
    I am sorry if I have offended you with my story, and the strength of my words.
    I know how it feels to be caught in the dark. There are ways to slowly, day by day, even sometimes one breath at a time, begin to walk towards the light.
    Try to switch your focus on to rebuilding yourself. If you are overwhelmed with grief over your losses, seek counseling. If you have a faith, cling to that. Read all you can about addiction and how it effects everyone in the family. There is a good article in the PE forum about detachment. I call it disentangling, because we get caught up in the web of addiction, it is difficult to move and even breathe at times. We become desperate for change, mostly for our beloveds. We are so focused on wanting them to choose better, and our hands are literally tied.
    We have no control over another’s choices.
    Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
    The darkness of drug use and addiction has a way of blinding us, too.
    Find your light.
    Even as your son lives with you, seek ways to strengthen yourself, empower yourself with knowledge, feel what you need to feel. Be kind and attentive to your own needs, take very good care of yourself.
    It may seem selfish at first, it is hard when we are so zeroed in to what is happening with our beloveds, to think about ourselves.
    What we wish most for our adult children is for them to take care of themselves.
    We are their first mentors. I believe that we can truly help them, by modeling self care. Pay attention to your own physical and mental well being. Get enough rest and exercise. Eat good foods. If you need help working through emotions, get it.
    I wish you well, Caught. Most of all, I wish for you to find that light within yourself, to walk through the darkness.
    One step at a time.
    You matter, the sanctity of your home, matters.
    I am so sorry for your grieving heart. Please take care and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
  6. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Caught in the dark,
    Sorry you are going through this. It's understandable that you don't want to put your son out yet. We hope that our child is the one that can change and try to do everything we can to help.
    We started with padlocks, having to actually lock the doors of our house after never having to for 20 years, buying a safe, we actually resorted to building a wall with a locked doorway to half of our house so sour son would stop stealing and ruining the other family members' property. Things got worse when we started locking things up. I don't say that to scare you or that it will for your son, that's just what happened here because he said we didn't trust him, how could we when he stole and intentionally ruined property? It's like we remember what happened and maybe he didn't, being under the influence.
    Hopefully your son can get some help. Prayers to him and you.
  7. One Hurt Mama

    One Hurt Mama New Member

    Dear Caught, this is the first time I've ever posted here, but I am moved to tell you that you have been and are a GOOD mother, that you have done and are doing the BEST you can, and that NOTHING your son does in the way of drugging and stealing is a reflection of how little you have cared or how poorly he has been raised. Caught, It's not all about your son, even though I know it sure feels like it now. As New Leaf has said, YOU matter. YOU deserve better. YOU deserve to have a peaceful home. Sending you love and light and a very big hug.
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