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Adult son in legal trouble again
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 702397" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Welcome TCLark,</p><p></p><p>I am short on time this morning, but want to acknowledge your post, and welcome you to the forum. Others will also be along greet you, although weekends are sometimes a slow period. I am also a parent of 4 children ~ all adults. Why one of them has not thrived and become a difficult adult child is something that all of us have been devastated and at times paralyzed by, just as yourself.</p><p></p><p>What you have said capsulizes basically the entire experience of all of us here on this forum. We have all loved our children, and have helped however we can, thinking we were doing our best to try to fix and help and support, and love …. It’s what parents do …. and keep on doing…. Over and over and over … Until we realize that that nothing changes…. That we cannot be the fixers anymore. It does not work.</p><p></p><p>By recognizing this, you are a giant step in starting to detach. If you have not already done so, please read the detachment article at the top of this forum. It is a great reminder to keep us on track in our loving detachment. Here is a link to the article: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4PGZS42Mx" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4PGZS42Mx</a> We are all learning the need to come to terms with the necessity of losses and the necessity to detach. There comes a turning point. It is not easy. With time, the sharp devastation is not as painful, but the lingering sorrow occasionally surfaces to keep prayers and hope alive.</p><p></p><p>My turning point was a little over a year ago when I asked my son to leave our home. He eventually ended up in jail. I did not bail this time. I did not supervise release. I did not visit him. I did accept occasional calls and wrote him periodically, explaining my stand on loving detachment and not further enabling. I think he came to learn I meant it. I told him I was here to support and encourage as he took steps on his own to move toward a future. He came to realize he did not like jail at all! (although he did like that he had a daily 4-hr/day job for several months ~ the longest time he had held a job in the last 5 years.) He is now released in a program, and (as far as I know) he is sticking with it. He lives at a sober house with curfew and requirements, etc. I believe his primary current motive to get on with his life is to not return to jail, and for that I am thankful that <u>his arrest and jail time may have actually been his RESCUE.</u></p><p></p><p>Today, my difficult child son is probably doing what he thinks is his best, but he is struggling. That’s who he is. For some reason, navigating and attending to day-to-day life seems difficult for this person, and /but there is nothing I can do about it. He is an adult and must make his own way, for better or for worse. I accept and love him as a parent loves their child, and I wish him the best. I am cautious as I watch and see what the new day brings.</p><p></p><p>You have found a safe place here. We understand, and have all been (and still are) in these difficult situations. You are not alone. Just finding a place to share your story and get it all out is such a relief. <em>You are going to be alright. </em> Hang in there and stay with us. Keep posting and keep reading the others’ post to gain wisdom, insight, guidance. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 702397, member: 19617"] Welcome TCLark, I am short on time this morning, but want to acknowledge your post, and welcome you to the forum. Others will also be along greet you, although weekends are sometimes a slow period. I am also a parent of 4 children ~ all adults. Why one of them has not thrived and become a difficult adult child is something that all of us have been devastated and at times paralyzed by, just as yourself. What you have said capsulizes basically the entire experience of all of us here on this forum. We have all loved our children, and have helped however we can, thinking we were doing our best to try to fix and help and support, and love …. It’s what parents do …. and keep on doing…. Over and over and over … Until we realize that that nothing changes…. That we cannot be the fixers anymore. It does not work. By recognizing this, you are a giant step in starting to detach. If you have not already done so, please read the detachment article at the top of this forum. It is a great reminder to keep us on track in our loving detachment. Here is a link to the article: [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4PGZS42Mx[/URL] We are all learning the need to come to terms with the necessity of losses and the necessity to detach. There comes a turning point. It is not easy. With time, the sharp devastation is not as painful, but the lingering sorrow occasionally surfaces to keep prayers and hope alive. My turning point was a little over a year ago when I asked my son to leave our home. He eventually ended up in jail. I did not bail this time. I did not supervise release. I did not visit him. I did accept occasional calls and wrote him periodically, explaining my stand on loving detachment and not further enabling. I think he came to learn I meant it. I told him I was here to support and encourage as he took steps on his own to move toward a future. He came to realize he did not like jail at all! (although he did like that he had a daily 4-hr/day job for several months ~ the longest time he had held a job in the last 5 years.) He is now released in a program, and (as far as I know) he is sticking with it. He lives at a sober house with curfew and requirements, etc. I believe his primary current motive to get on with his life is to not return to jail, and for that I am thankful that [U]his arrest and jail time may have actually been his RESCUE.[/U] Today, my difficult child son is probably doing what he thinks is his best, but he is struggling. That’s who he is. For some reason, navigating and attending to day-to-day life seems difficult for this person, and /but there is nothing I can do about it. He is an adult and must make his own way, for better or for worse. I accept and love him as a parent loves their child, and I wish him the best. I am cautious as I watch and see what the new day brings. You have found a safe place here. We understand, and have all been (and still are) in these difficult situations. You are not alone. Just finding a place to share your story and get it all out is such a relief. [I]You are going to be alright. [/I] Hang in there and stay with us. Keep posting and keep reading the others’ post to gain wisdom, insight, guidance. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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