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Adult son mom's guilt needs support
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 708511" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>It's not something that happens overnight. It's a slow process and most parents do not see it coming. We are their parents who have always been there to fix what was wrong, from scrapped knees to broken toys. At some point there is a shift and our children start making decisions for themselves. When they make poor decisions we are quick to follow behind them in hopes of keeping them from falling. Not much different than when they were learning how to walk. Before we know what has happened we find ourselves in full enabling mode.</p><p></p><p>The good thing is that you realize you have been enabling and know you need to stop. This is not only for you but for your son.</p><p></p><p>The struggle of the butterfly story is very fitting for our adult difficult children.</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat. </span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly. </span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"> But neither happened!</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. </span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">It never was able to fly…</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff">As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was <strong>SUPPOSED</strong> to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.</span></p><p><span style="color: #4d4dff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Out children need to struggle and it's okay to let them. We are not "kicking" them out of our homes, we are "liberating" them so they can live their own lives.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">My son is 35 and has put me through it all. I have laid awake at night wondering how he survives being homeless. He has always managed. He always finds a way. He is currently in jail and is looking at doing some serious time.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I will always love my son but I will not allow his poor choices to steal the joy from my life. I spent many years enabling and it produced nothing for me or my son. I stopped looking at him as my sweet little boy and started seeing him as a grown man that showed no respect for me, my husband or our home.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You will get through this!!</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">((HUGS))</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 708511, member: 18516"] It's not something that happens overnight. It's a slow process and most parents do not see it coming. We are their parents who have always been there to fix what was wrong, from scrapped knees to broken toys. At some point there is a shift and our children start making decisions for themselves. When they make poor decisions we are quick to follow behind them in hopes of keeping them from falling. Not much different than when they were learning how to walk. Before we know what has happened we find ourselves in full enabling mode. The good thing is that you realize you have been enabling and know you need to stop. This is not only for you but for your son. The struggle of the butterfly story is very fitting for our adult difficult children. [COLOR=#4d4dff]Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it. The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat. One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly. The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out. At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress! The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged! As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand. But neither happened! The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly… As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was [B]SUPPOSED[/B] to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly. [/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]Out children need to struggle and it's okay to let them. We are not "kicking" them out of our homes, we are "liberating" them so they can live their own lives. My son is 35 and has put me through it all. I have laid awake at night wondering how he survives being homeless. He has always managed. He always finds a way. He is currently in jail and is looking at doing some serious time. I will always love my son but I will not allow his poor choices to steal the joy from my life. I spent many years enabling and it produced nothing for me or my son. I stopped looking at him as my sweet little boy and started seeing him as a grown man that showed no respect for me, my husband or our home. You will get through this!! ((HUGS))[/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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