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Adult son steals and lies
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 721713" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Did he lie and steal as a child or did this just start in college? If it started in college, it is highly likely he has a substance abuse problem. You might not even see it. It could be something he binges on and doesn't use constantly. My brother became an alcoholic starting at age 12 and he was in the army. They never caught on to his problems. I was the only one who kept insisting he had a problem and it caused real problems between my mother and I. She thought I just wanted to get him in trouble. I wanted to get him some help. Especially when he was still a kid! </p><p></p><p>Even if he is using something, you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot fix or cure it. Tell your husband that your son cannot live at home. Do whatever you need to do to keep your son from moving in with you. He is a grown man and any problems he has are because he has made poor choices. The ONLY thing that is going to make him get any help, IF he can be helped, is a very large dose of natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>That means he has to face the problems he has made without any help. He has to go and live with whatever means he has, and support himself without any help from you. Let his girlfriend help him if she is dumb enough to do that. </p><p></p><p>If he is a sociopath, and that may be true, I don't know, nothing will help. You won't know until you are sure he isn't using something. If he is an addict/alcoholic (same thing really), only getting clean and getting major amounts of therapy will help. I would tell him he has to spend at least a year or two cleaning up his mess before he can try to live with you. That is time spent with no use of booze or drugs, no lies to anyone, a steady job with no excuses for not working every day, and he has to get into a debt relief program and do what they say. A reliable debt relief program. If he has done these things for a year, with proof of them, then he can contact you. Until then, you are going to focus on your other children. You have given him enough.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, get into therapy. Find a private therapist that you can trust. Treat the first few sessions as an interview. Evaluate the therapist to see if you are comfortable and if you feel you can trust her/him. Not all therapists are right for everyone. I have run into more idiot/quack therapists than I could count here, but I have also seen really amazing ones. It is well worth it to see the idiots to weed them out so that you can find the truly wonderful ones. Just listen to your instincts. When the therapist tells you to do something that goes against your instincts or common sense, think hard about it and consider moving to a different therapist. Sometimes it is because you are in a bad pattern of behavior, and sometimes it is because your therapist is an idiot. </p><p></p><p>You should also consider AlAnon or NarcAnon Family Groups. Not everyone is comfortable with them. Don't quit after one or two meetings. Go to different meetings at different places and times so that you can see what is out there and which one might be the right fit for you. Each meeting has a different feel, so you have to try different times and places to find the right one. They truly can be amazingly helpful. AlAnon really helped me with my brother's alcoholism and my parents' refusal to admit it. The funny thing is that my mother is the one who first dragged me to a meeting. Her father was an alcoholic and she wanted me to deal with the patterns of behavior I learned as the grandchild of an alcoholic. It took her a decade longer to see my brother's problem as a real problem.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you choose, get some help to work through all of the confusion and feelings that your son's problems will cause. It is so hard to cope with all of this and it is only natural to need some help dealing with it. Drag your husband to marriage counseling also.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 721713, member: 1233"] Did he lie and steal as a child or did this just start in college? If it started in college, it is highly likely he has a substance abuse problem. You might not even see it. It could be something he binges on and doesn't use constantly. My brother became an alcoholic starting at age 12 and he was in the army. They never caught on to his problems. I was the only one who kept insisting he had a problem and it caused real problems between my mother and I. She thought I just wanted to get him in trouble. I wanted to get him some help. Especially when he was still a kid! Even if he is using something, you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot fix or cure it. Tell your husband that your son cannot live at home. Do whatever you need to do to keep your son from moving in with you. He is a grown man and any problems he has are because he has made poor choices. The ONLY thing that is going to make him get any help, IF he can be helped, is a very large dose of natural consequences. That means he has to face the problems he has made without any help. He has to go and live with whatever means he has, and support himself without any help from you. Let his girlfriend help him if she is dumb enough to do that. If he is a sociopath, and that may be true, I don't know, nothing will help. You won't know until you are sure he isn't using something. If he is an addict/alcoholic (same thing really), only getting clean and getting major amounts of therapy will help. I would tell him he has to spend at least a year or two cleaning up his mess before he can try to live with you. That is time spent with no use of booze or drugs, no lies to anyone, a steady job with no excuses for not working every day, and he has to get into a debt relief program and do what they say. A reliable debt relief program. If he has done these things for a year, with proof of them, then he can contact you. Until then, you are going to focus on your other children. You have given him enough. In the meantime, get into therapy. Find a private therapist that you can trust. Treat the first few sessions as an interview. Evaluate the therapist to see if you are comfortable and if you feel you can trust her/him. Not all therapists are right for everyone. I have run into more idiot/quack therapists than I could count here, but I have also seen really amazing ones. It is well worth it to see the idiots to weed them out so that you can find the truly wonderful ones. Just listen to your instincts. When the therapist tells you to do something that goes against your instincts or common sense, think hard about it and consider moving to a different therapist. Sometimes it is because you are in a bad pattern of behavior, and sometimes it is because your therapist is an idiot. You should also consider AlAnon or NarcAnon Family Groups. Not everyone is comfortable with them. Don't quit after one or two meetings. Go to different meetings at different places and times so that you can see what is out there and which one might be the right fit for you. Each meeting has a different feel, so you have to try different times and places to find the right one. They truly can be amazingly helpful. AlAnon really helped me with my brother's alcoholism and my parents' refusal to admit it. The funny thing is that my mother is the one who first dragged me to a meeting. Her father was an alcoholic and she wanted me to deal with the patterns of behavior I learned as the grandchild of an alcoholic. It took her a decade longer to see my brother's problem as a real problem. Whatever you choose, get some help to work through all of the confusion and feelings that your son's problems will cause. It is so hard to cope with all of this and it is only natural to need some help dealing with it. Drag your husband to marriage counseling also. [/QUOTE]
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