Advice Adult Daughter disowning me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dainty, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    My daughter is 25. Has lived on her own the last 3 years. She has epilepsy since she hit puberty. Bipolar since 16 ish. I don't know if her bipolar has "evolved" into something else? Shes only had a few episodes growing up. Id tell her she was "Going to Oz" our code for her not being right. She'd listen, take my advise, lay low a few days and it would pass. I've visited her since her move. Heck we drove across country 3x for her moves. Happy to do it. We had a lot of fun and time together. Shes been home to visit. Last time 11/17 we, me my D and my husband, went to an escape room, we had a blast.

    Last year my daughter tells her brother (27) to leave home and to move in with her. They could split the rent and he could easily find work in the new state. I suggest she NOT do this as she is single, doing well and having another adult to care for does add to making life a bit crazier than normal. She says No Mom, that's my brother, I do well here and he will do well here too. okkkk. Takes him 5 months to find a job. I send food, household items, gifts. Things they need to make it easier on them. My son pays rents and shares the bills.

    Fast Forward to 1/4/18 = My son crashed his motorcycle. Hes alive and going to be ok but he broke 3 neck bones, 3 back bones. He was critical. I am stuck in a snowy state and cannot get to my kids till the 7th. My son is now in a medical halo for 3 months, neck brace for 3 months and then therapy. We are all together and were going to be ok! Time is going to heal my son!! pffttttt.....

    The next few days my daughter is odd. I guess I overlook it as I'm a bit preoccupied with my son and the freaking halo drilled into his head! Daughter says HEYYY since you are here my heat when up 20 bucks? (I'm in home less than a week!) I'm like ok if we need it turn it on! (WOW after paying all the bills prior to her moving out, a bit tight! lol ) A few days later, we've been making my son smoothies for nutrition as he can barely open his mouth. Besides cooking, cleaning, taking care of my daughter dog she went to LA for a week so I watched her dog, rather than day care) and my son, I'm busy!! I mention I'll make the smoothie so she doesn't have to and that I appreciate all she is doing for her brother. I figure shes stressed too. She tells me not to use her blender as its very complicated and she doesn't want me breaking it. A few days later, I'm told by daughter HEYYYY you guys (me and her brother not her 2 house guests that have been there 2 weeks) are using all the DATA?? some cable bs.... and its costing her $50 more! I now give her $70 bucks and tell her IF she needs money for whatever I will certainly help as I don't expect her to shoulder this financial responsibility. That we need to talk about it. Fast forward a few days and she throws us out of her home that she shared with my son. 3 bed/2.5 baths. Calls the cops on us. Says we are squatters. She wants us arrested. We assaulted her. Writes a 4 page complaint against us. I'm a drug user. My brother a leach. I just sat there and cried. I was like what is going on???? I'm in a strange state where I don't know anyone with a kid in a halo?? where do I go? Cops said we could stay but I knew that in her mental state that wasn't going to work. She would not have been happy till someone was arrested. My son and I left. whew...... feels good to just get it off my chest.

    I get my son established in an apt, year lease. furnish it basic, get the things he needs. Spend 2 months there having him heal.

    My daughter has disowned me as I'm a dumb ass. I'm toxic. I'm a loser. I'm just basically worse than dirt. She is saying total nonsense about me. I'm heartbroken but not so much over the words as I am her mental state. I've been trying to text her every week or so to just say hi thinking of you love and miss you. Hoping she calms down. almost 3 months later and she is NOT calming down lol While I adore her, I do not want to play by her rules.

    SO Do I continue to try and remind her I love her unconditionally or do I just stop contacting her and pray she comes to her senses??
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know that you can do much about your daughter but I am concerned about YOU. Are you usually this tied up with your adult kids? I get your son while he heals, but not normally. Are your kids still your entire life? Do you have friends, hobbies, a significant other, go on vacations that don't involve your kids, just have fun without them? Do you work or volunteer?

    Two mid 20s adults should be able to care for themselves without your money or advice. How much money do youygive them? I personslly never gsve money once my kids moved out and they did great. None of tjem need mansions snd new cars that WE have to pay for? We think we are helping but we are making them irresponsible and entitled snd unable to fend for themselves. The help is for when they were under 18 or in college. It stops. They work and it's tough but they learn that they can do adulthood. it gratifies them.

    Or if we keep caring for them monetarily and otherwise, they keep depending on us, they don't grow up, and they certainly don't appreciate being taken care of, even if the demands for more, more, more grow. They are like children if we support them, and they act like it. Did your son need you to buy and pay for everything? Does he have a career to go back to when he recovers? Will he pay you back? Does he pay for his own toys, such as his cell phone?

    If your daughter has mental health issues, like I do, she is the only one who can care for them. You can't. She certainly is not so impaired she can't pick up the phone and make a therapy appointment but you can't force her to get help. It's up to her. Legally she is the one who has to do it. I had to do it. She can too.

    Your adult kids need to get jobs without your help in my opinion and you probably could use a break from being mommy. We are not mommies forever. Our grown kids do what they want and we can't bandage their knees. We become Mother's to adults and hopefully have adult to adult relationships. This does not always work out, but we can learn coping skills by building good lives for ourselves that don't necessarily involve our adult kids. They can not be our world forever. Adult kids dont want to be. They resent us if they are everything to us and if we always want to be with them. Even very nice adult kids want us to have a life so that they can make a life for themselves. This is normal.

    Maybe private therapy for you would help you cope. Many of us use or have used therapy. You sound like a kind, smart lady who could find many friends and have a hobbies...maybe take classes for fun and learning. Rekindle your romance with your husband. Hub and I have done that and we feel like teenagers!

    Your daughter is being controlling and mean for now. Even dangerous...lying to put you in jail. Stay out of her way. Be safe. While she is doing this, maybe you can take a great vacation away from it all. I would not text or call her. Not at this time.

    Also please look up borderline personality disorder to see if you think it fits your daughters behavior. Many times bipolar is misdiagnosed and it is really borderline. Buy the book Walking on Eggshells and live your own great life! Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie too. Both will help you!! You need to change your role and love yourself first!

    Love and light!
     
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    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Dainty, I am so sorry for your heartache. Your daughter is clearly being horrible. I have a 35 year old daughter that turns horribly ugly on me when she is manic. It is so painful and so unbelievable. Unfortunately I can not do one thing about it. I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.. My daughter turns when she is in love with someone and it effects her hormones in the worst way. The hell she has put me though is similar to the hell you are going through. The unfairness of this is like a never ending nightmare.
    If I were you I would not keep sending her messages. I had to detach from my daughter for 3 months, I just could not take her abuse any longer and I was not going to. I am in the midst of having to do that again, my heart and spirit cannot take deep abuse. This year my health has taken a beating just being around my daughter. I am glad that your son made it through and my prayers are that he heals all the way, in the mean time quit contact with your daughter, it was the hardest thing I have ever done and it was the only thing that made her abuse stop. I know how painful this is, it pains the very root of your soul and you do not understand how it became so bad.
    I decided I did not want a relationship with someone that did not want one with me. I cried everyday 3 times a day because of how awful this was to me. I am stronger now and slowly detaching even more. My daughter is my only child, I lost my son 23 years ago, I treasure my loved ones because I know how fast time goes and I just cannot understand my daughters way of thinking but through healthy detaching I am finding more peace. I am so sorry for your heartache I would hug you if you were right here.
     
  4. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    Thank you. Usually I'm not that involved. I LOVED that they moved crossed country. It gave me a relief that I haven't had since they were both diagnosis with epilepsy. I've called her therapist and she has not been in contact for 15 months. My son does have a good job, hes in a trade and they are holding it for him till he recovers. I am paying 300 a month for her medical insurance till she is 26 (6 months) . I cant seem to bring myself to cut her off medically as she needs it for the epilepsy drugs and the therapy she needs. I do have friends and hobbies. I also have a volunteer group. Its been hard for me to decide what to do. I will stop texting and again pray she comes to her senses. I just fear the choices shes making, the people shes with, and her mental health. While there are no drugs involved. She has decided to enter the adult entertainment world. We are totally against this. We tried talking her out of it but its been almost 2 years. I don't normally pay their bills or anything. But I will send fruits, meats, Christmas trees misc stuff. I will look into the suggestions you made. thank you xo
     
  5. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    Thank you* Its funny you say that. Thinking about it, something similar happened several years ago. She still lived at home, while going to College. She had a boyfriend and she said she grew close to his mother. During that time she had little use for me/family and made every excuse for her boyfriend/his parents. She couldn't do holidays with us as she had to be with her boyfriend and his parents. I was hurt but ok. Fast forward, they break up and his mom wasn't the saint my daughter claimed she was. My daughter did get a boyfriend this Dec. Thank GOD she doesn't date much. The routine is normal. Hes the best. She loans him money. They break up. Hes the worst. Usually includes her filing a restraint order. UGH.......
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If your children have epilepsy, can they drive a car or motorcycle?

    It sounds like you need to give your daughter space. If you are financially able and want to pay for medical insurance then that's generous of you. Maybe several months before the insurance expires you could send her a letter giving her notice when her insurance ends.

    Sorry you are going thru this. Ksm
     
  7. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    Yes, they are allowed to drive. My son tends to have grand mals so driving effects him more. My daughter has myoclonic seizures first. IF we cant stop them, they can turn into grand mals but we are usually successful stopping them. Each state different, but "usually" after 6 month, seizure free, they can drive. I personally do not want my son to drive again. He wont drive a car as he doesn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't hurt anyone but he had a seizure and hurt himself terribly. His alot closer to his job now and on a bus route, that should get him to work. I will send her snail mail to remind her insurance ends when she turns 26. Legally I cant extend it. Thank you. I tend with work with people with heavy burdens. While some know I'm having issues with my beloved daughter, who most know for years, less than a handful know the truth. I'm a better helper than help-ee . Thank you all for your kindness. xox
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Wow. What an ordeal.
    How bizarre and difficult. I think I would back away from your daughter and give her plenty of space. You don’t need this aggravation and she is an adult. If she asks (she probably won’t) you can suggest she seems “off” and likely needs a medication adjustment and/or therapy at this time.
    My best guess is this Dis-owning thing is temporary hysterics. As best as you can...ignore it.
    Your son has just been in an accident and is unmarried. If you have the time and ability to help , that seems ok to me. But, I wouldn’t stay too long. He is 27. Very much an adult.
    Time to continue with your own advancement in life. Work, hobbies, friends.
    Don’t let your daughter abuse you and don’t let yourself get overly involved or enmeshed.
    If you haven’t done so already, consider at least some short term therapy.
    And enjoy life to the fullest.
     
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I add my sympathy to those ahead of me. You mentioned no drugs and i assume you meant street drugs but how about medication for her bipolar disorder. If she has them could she have stopped taking them? Also stress can have an effect on bipolar.i also would not text her at this point or until she speaks with respect. You deserve that.
     
  10. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    Since the bi polar had never been a major issue, she wasn't medicated. She does take medications daily for epilepsy Keppra and Lexapro for depression. She doesn't smoke or drink. Thank God. At this point, I think, if she went back to her therapist, medication would be on the table. We have all gone to the same therapist (cognitive) as a family and individually for years. I feel this way the therapist knows everyone and can call bs, when needed! I also think it a bit more than bi polar as she is delusional. I believe she believes what she says buts it so bizarre and so untrue.

    I spent 2 months with my son. He couldn't even feed himself. He needed live in care. Since my daughter told the hospital she was his care giver and had everything he needed. We were up the creek without paddle. I came home this month as he was more mobile and doing alot better. The halo should be removed beginning of April. then 3 months in a brace. I'll stay there 2 weeks to get him adjusted and MOMMA GOING HOME!! xoxox

    Yes, I'm convinced the contacting her a bad thing. Thank you*
    .
     
  11. Dory

    Dory Member

    Just my thoughts,

    So many of us get to a point where we have just given 95% of our living soul!
    Just so f tired,what the hell,that's not how it was meant to be.

    5% LEFT

    Live it!!!!!!!!
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look up borderline. It sounds like she may have it. Bipolar always needs to be medicated. Borderline does not respond as well. I only tell you thiis because trying to get your own parents into trouble sounds far more advanced than a very mild form of bipolar. On the other hand, ,cluster B personality disorders including borderline often involve physical harm to others and trying to do bad things to them like get them arrested. I have always had a mood disorder and my parents were truly awful but even at my sickest I never dreamed of putting anyone in jail!

    Some have bipolar and borderline.

    If you are paying son's motorcycle insurance you may want to stop now. He can kill himself on a motorcycle as you saw. You can't stop him but you don't have to pay for it. He can kill somebody who hits him/ he hits on a motorcycle too if somebody must swerve into another car to avoid him. If he wants to risk his life and others, I understand your terror and you can't stop him, but you don't have to help him either.

    When kids have disabilities ,(I have a 24;year old with autism) it is harder to let go. We are afraid. I get it. But we can't be there forever...we will die one day.

    Your daughter sounds dangerous. She seems to go hot and cold and when cold she has no scruples. Please be careful. Sadly, for whatever reason, you can't trust her and you also can't fix her.

    Love and light!
     
  13. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    Thank you all again. I just feel a HUGE relief just saying things out loud. At times I do think I am crazy. I don't pay any of their bills but the medical for my daughter. My son didnt have much of a bank account so I set him up in an apt. He can afford it once he goes back to work. They both have access to my Netflix and we do keep them with AAA. Other than that, Ill send things a few times a year. Ive never gone to see them for vacation its always after someone gets hurt.

    I leave Wed for hopefully 2 weeks w my son. Halo comes off, brace goes on, physical therapy starts. Once I am back I will get to her therapist and I will talk things out with her. The therapist is on vacation naturally : ) My brain knows I cant fix her but my heart... well its stoopid! I cry for my loss of my daughter and for her problems she makes and faces now alone. \
    My daughter is still in contact with my Mom. I told my daughter to keep her mouth shut with the crazy crap as that is MY Mother and I don't want her dragged into the bs. She was telling my Mom all kinds of BS. My mom was so upset she couldn't sleep. This effects so many people.

    I divorced my first husband, kids father when they were babies ( 1 & 3). While he was an educated person, he turned into a loser. I was a single Mom till my kids were 9 & 12. My husband is a WONDERFUL human being and we are very happy together (16 years!) WE have gone thru everything together. Without his support I wouldn't make it thru this nightmare adventure.

    While I don't claim to be the world best Mother. I think I am really pretty good. I've been there, I've wanted them, I've loved them. Epilepsy didn't come into our lives till the kids hit puberty. When that happened we traveled the USA to find the best doctors and the best treatment, I didn't stop till I found a diet that helped my daughter. She went from being schooled at home by teachers as she has 100s 1000s myoclonics a day. She has an Assoc in Science

    At almost 60 with a beloved neglected wonderful husband, Id love to focus on us!!

    You have all helped so very much. I sincerely thank you all and hope everyone does well. xoxo
     
  14. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    What do I do IF and when she contacts me? I know part of the conversation involves her getting help. I looked into borderline personality - maybe - she has no relationships - she knows everything - her version is the only true version. thank you
     
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If and when she contacts you... Let her know you are happy she contacted you. I wouldn't talk about past events. Tell her you pray for her and love be her.

    If the crazy stuff starts, but on the brakes, state your boundaries, if she pushes boundaries say goodbye and disconnect.

    Repeat as necessary. Then go live the life you and hubby deserve.

    Ksm
     
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  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Expect little from her. Her past is the best predictor of her future behavior. Try not to take her personally or to get yoour hopes up too high if she is in a good mood. Take a cue from her behavior.

    As I just said in another post, love yourself first because you are the only person you can control, and cherish every good minute you have with your daughter and anyone who shows you love and kindness.

    Love and light.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2018
  17. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    Thank you. I am out of my league. While I have become an epilepsy expert, my mental health skills are sub standard, I'm sure. I'm getting ready to head back to my son for an anticipated 2 week trip. In that time the medical halo should come off, replaced by a neck brace and physical therapy. Once I come home, I'm done unless something goes awry. When I get back, I plan on opening my gardens and doing alot of yard work, I see that as free therapy. Ill contact my daughters therapist and see if she can offer some wisdom. From there, no news is good news, I guess. Her brother in Vegas, God forbid an emergency and as always I am here for her too. She spoke to my Mom for Easter. Sounded good, calm and semi missing me, my Mom said. So I'm not sure if shes just being kind to my Mom and keeping my Mom out of this mess or if she is really calming down. My Mom had told her, weeks ago, what she did was unacceptable and there was no good reason for it. That my daughter could solve this easily. So, we shall see. I personally think until she breaks up with this boyfriend, I'm done. I think with the breakup, which always end badly, she will reach out then.

    Truly her words hurt but I can forget them. Her demeanor and horrible attitude I can forgive. What kills me is I cant make her mentally healthy, happy. I know I cant, or maybe its not my job, but hard to accept. She really has been thru alot and has accomplished so much against so many odds. I have tried so hard to teach gratitude, appreciation, being self aware and accepting. Just I don't want to be where we are now.

    I was looking for weeks for a place to open up and put it out there. I know I'm not the only one and I am so grateful to all who took the time to offer a kind word, thought, idea, story. They all helped me feel better. I wish you all a happy Spring, minus the snow!! xox
     
  18. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    I spoke to my daughters therapist. She also said it sounds like borderline personality. Doesn't help to have a label, just want to fix this. I know I cant. When I get back from my son, I will restart therapy to work on me feeling so bad for her. Thank you xox
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would buy the book Walking on Eggshells. It's how to best live with a borderline personality. She can get help but it requires her compliance and very hard work and a real willingness to change. If not, borderlines are very much I love you today/I hate you tomorrow/I may even hurt you/ I may buy you a present. Up and down. Nice and mean. My mom and sister did this to me. It's very WTF?????? You can't depend on them to love you tomorrow or talk to you tomorrow even if they love you today. My sister used to call the cops on me to punish me. It didn't work but she NEVER stopped doing it when she was mad at me. So please be on defense all the time. I am sad for you. My therapist has always believed my mom was borderline and thinks my sister has strong traits too. Unfortunately when they are not happy with you they can over the top punish you and it can be refusing to talk to you for months or years to stealing to hitting you to calling the cops on you when there is no reason. In my case, I finally had to end sibling relationship but don't think I could do that to a child.
    Hugs!
     
  20. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    I ordered the book and that is a great title as that is EXACTLY how I have felt for awhile. Book should be in Vegas Thursday. I feel better in one way. Better prepared, I guess. But I mourn for my daughter illness. Thank you all again and I hope today goes well for you all xox