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advice needed from forum, I posted several months back. My 33 yr old son is in a short term rehab,
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 626969" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. I think that by age 33 adult children should be living on their own or at least taking care of themselves, even if they are drug addicts and need rehabs and homeless shelters to help them out. He wants the family together? His family is now girlfriend and his child. His (cough) disappointment with family not being together probably is not about spending quality time with you and your husband. It is more likely that he wants a free place to live, hot meals, you doing his laundry, you handing him money, use of your car, etc. Adults his age do not want to live at home with Dad and Mom. Well, not most of them!!!!</p><p></p><p>You deserve a long-awaited and hard-in-coming joyous retirement and in my opinion should detach from the drama of your beloved child. You can not help him. There is nothing you can do to change him. You gave birth to him, but he is a seperate human being from you and just because he is choosing drug addiction doesn't mean you have to keep on caring for him like he were still ten years old. He can try to get on welfare, social security, apply for SNAP and survive that way. in my opinion it is better for adult children, and yours is already in his 30's, to learn to handle their own problems without our constant "support" (which usually costs us a ton in both our money and our health).</p><p></p><p>You may want to start going to your own therapist to help you detach or to go to a Nar-Anon meeting...I really enjoy and have learned from twelve step meetings plus got lots and lots of support. Have you read the article on detachment at the top of this page? I would do that. You may also want to grab a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody beatty from your library or even buy it off Amazon. Great book that helps us to start seeing that we can't fix anyone else, not even beloved grown children and that we need to love and be good to ourselves...and learn to let go of other people's problems, no matter who they are. You have 0% control over what your son does with his life. You have 100% control over yourself. We can only control one person...moi! I'm sure you've tried it all with your almost middle age son...talking to him, rewards, punishments, heartfelt pleas, tears, begging, perhaps you've needed to call the police on him, I know he's been in rehab perhaps on your dime, you've taken his abuse and given love to him like the champion mother that you are.</p><p></p><p>It's your time to enjoy your life and let your son sort out his own. This is my favorite prayer. You don't have to believe in God to take wisdom from the words. in my opinion it is helpful to all.</p><p></p><p>"God great me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The COURAGE to change the things I can,</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>I start my day out with this prayer and at one time had a necklace that had the entire prayer on it. It reminded me that I need to know what I can control, what I can't and to live my life with that wise knowledge.</p><p></p><p>Also, even if your son likes to give you guilt trips about how his issues are your fault (this is a very common difficult child ploy) it isn't. It is, at his age, his decision to continue using drugs with druggie girlfriend. It is sad for the baby, but unless you feel capable of trying to custody and raising the little guy or girl, you can't control that either. Once in school, they will catch on and likely call CPS. Or you can call CPS yourself to try to get your little grandchild into a stable foster home. I would deplore calling CPS on my child, but I would do it if I saw a grandchild in peril.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 626969, member: 1550"] Hi there. I think that by age 33 adult children should be living on their own or at least taking care of themselves, even if they are drug addicts and need rehabs and homeless shelters to help them out. He wants the family together? His family is now girlfriend and his child. His (cough) disappointment with family not being together probably is not about spending quality time with you and your husband. It is more likely that he wants a free place to live, hot meals, you doing his laundry, you handing him money, use of your car, etc. Adults his age do not want to live at home with Dad and Mom. Well, not most of them!!!! You deserve a long-awaited and hard-in-coming joyous retirement and in my opinion should detach from the drama of your beloved child. You can not help him. There is nothing you can do to change him. You gave birth to him, but he is a seperate human being from you and just because he is choosing drug addiction doesn't mean you have to keep on caring for him like he were still ten years old. He can try to get on welfare, social security, apply for SNAP and survive that way. in my opinion it is better for adult children, and yours is already in his 30's, to learn to handle their own problems without our constant "support" (which usually costs us a ton in both our money and our health). You may want to start going to your own therapist to help you detach or to go to a Nar-Anon meeting...I really enjoy and have learned from twelve step meetings plus got lots and lots of support. Have you read the article on detachment at the top of this page? I would do that. You may also want to grab a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody beatty from your library or even buy it off Amazon. Great book that helps us to start seeing that we can't fix anyone else, not even beloved grown children and that we need to love and be good to ourselves...and learn to let go of other people's problems, no matter who they are. You have 0% control over what your son does with his life. You have 100% control over yourself. We can only control one person...moi! I'm sure you've tried it all with your almost middle age son...talking to him, rewards, punishments, heartfelt pleas, tears, begging, perhaps you've needed to call the police on him, I know he's been in rehab perhaps on your dime, you've taken his abuse and given love to him like the champion mother that you are. It's your time to enjoy your life and let your son sort out his own. This is my favorite prayer. You don't have to believe in God to take wisdom from the words. in my opinion it is helpful to all. "God great me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, The COURAGE to change the things I can, And the WISDOM to know the difference." I start my day out with this prayer and at one time had a necklace that had the entire prayer on it. It reminded me that I need to know what I can control, what I can't and to live my life with that wise knowledge. Also, even if your son likes to give you guilt trips about how his issues are your fault (this is a very common difficult child ploy) it isn't. It is, at his age, his decision to continue using drugs with druggie girlfriend. It is sad for the baby, but unless you feel capable of trying to custody and raising the little guy or girl, you can't control that either. Once in school, they will catch on and likely call CPS. Or you can call CPS yourself to try to get your little grandchild into a stable foster home. I would deplore calling CPS on my child, but I would do it if I saw a grandchild in peril. Hugs to you for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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advice needed from forum, I posted several months back. My 33 yr old son is in a short term rehab,
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