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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 661551" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Do NOT set up some scheme where you ask the financial aid dept to lie to him about an error. They cannot legally do that and it would be incredibly unethical even if they could. A lie is NOT the way to start out a clean chapter of his life, Know what I mean?? It is incredibly codependent thinking to even contemplate schemes like this, and NOT doing them is incredibly important to both your son AND yourself/your hubby.</p><p></p><p>I would NOT NOT NOT offer to help pay for this $150 or any of his tuition/expenses for the first semester. He needs to prove he can do this. if he asks for help in a limited way, say for the $150, then I would loan him the $ and let him do yard work or something to work it off. </p><p></p><p>I would take the help you want to give him, and any $ the relatives want to give, and put it aside in the bank or an envelope. AFTER the first semester when he has grades and has proven that he can go back, give him the $ for the next semester IF you sense he would be receptive. DO NOT tell him about this ahead of time, make it a surprise and a show of faith. But make him EARN it with this first semester's success, even if that isn't all A's or B's. </p><p></p><p>WHY am I suggesting this? been there done that and have seen it with others also. I live in a college town and most of my life has revolved around the university. My mom was a prof, I always had a job near the univ, my husband works with the univ, and most of the friends I have ever have have been involved with the university in some way. The kids who got into trouble and then worked to pay that first semester tuition when they came back always seemed to stay and actually finish a degree and not stop and fall back into whatever addiction or issue kept them from finishing their degree. Parents helped with gas or groceries or an occasional bill or helping them handle a loan, but stayed out of the actual paying for tuition and expenses and that seemed to be the basic recipe for actual success.</p><p></p><p>I think it has something to do with proving you actually CAN do it, that you can actually succeed and things won't fall apart. It also has to do wtih confidence. By giving him that money, esp when he hasn't asked for it, it isn't the reward that you are wanting it to be. It is a sign that you don't think he can do it with-o your help, and that he doesn't have what it takes to earn that extra $150, so why would you think he could succeed at school?</p><p></p><p>I know that YOUR thoughts don't say anything of the kind, but that is what HIS thoughts tell him, and it is how HE will interpret big financial gifts like paying his fees or tuition right now. By letting you know he is doing this, and by NOT asking you to turn on the money for him, he is telling you that he is trying to be an adult and handle this himself. He wants you to have faith that he can do this all by himself, and it is crucial that you back off and let him do it. Of course if he asks and you can help, that is different, but until/unless he asks, you need to back off and let him do it his way. Even if that is hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 661551, member: 1233"] Do NOT set up some scheme where you ask the financial aid dept to lie to him about an error. They cannot legally do that and it would be incredibly unethical even if they could. A lie is NOT the way to start out a clean chapter of his life, Know what I mean?? It is incredibly codependent thinking to even contemplate schemes like this, and NOT doing them is incredibly important to both your son AND yourself/your hubby. I would NOT NOT NOT offer to help pay for this $150 or any of his tuition/expenses for the first semester. He needs to prove he can do this. if he asks for help in a limited way, say for the $150, then I would loan him the $ and let him do yard work or something to work it off. I would take the help you want to give him, and any $ the relatives want to give, and put it aside in the bank or an envelope. AFTER the first semester when he has grades and has proven that he can go back, give him the $ for the next semester IF you sense he would be receptive. DO NOT tell him about this ahead of time, make it a surprise and a show of faith. But make him EARN it with this first semester's success, even if that isn't all A's or B's. WHY am I suggesting this? been there done that and have seen it with others also. I live in a college town and most of my life has revolved around the university. My mom was a prof, I always had a job near the univ, my husband works with the univ, and most of the friends I have ever have have been involved with the university in some way. The kids who got into trouble and then worked to pay that first semester tuition when they came back always seemed to stay and actually finish a degree and not stop and fall back into whatever addiction or issue kept them from finishing their degree. Parents helped with gas or groceries or an occasional bill or helping them handle a loan, but stayed out of the actual paying for tuition and expenses and that seemed to be the basic recipe for actual success. I think it has something to do with proving you actually CAN do it, that you can actually succeed and things won't fall apart. It also has to do wtih confidence. By giving him that money, esp when he hasn't asked for it, it isn't the reward that you are wanting it to be. It is a sign that you don't think he can do it with-o your help, and that he doesn't have what it takes to earn that extra $150, so why would you think he could succeed at school? I know that YOUR thoughts don't say anything of the kind, but that is what HIS thoughts tell him, and it is how HE will interpret big financial gifts like paying his fees or tuition right now. By letting you know he is doing this, and by NOT asking you to turn on the money for him, he is telling you that he is trying to be an adult and handle this himself. He wants you to have faith that he can do this all by himself, and it is crucial that you back off and let him do it. Of course if he asks and you can help, that is different, but until/unless he asks, you need to back off and let him do it his way. Even if that is hard. [/QUOTE]
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