Advice - son 4.5 years old

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flook76, Jun 14, 2013.

  1. flook76

    flook76 New Member

    Hello, another new person here.

    I'll jump straight in and try and get it all down concisely.

    My son is 4.5 and has always been challenging. He currently attends pre-school for 3 hours every morning 5 hours a week. He'll be starting proper school (a different one to current preschool unfortunately) in September.

    He's very bright (is already starting to read and write and very good at maths in his head). He's also very bored at preschool. He struggles socially - to integrate, take turns, share etc / behave appropriately.

    He's big for his age and recently has starting to be very violent towards smaller, weaker children. He finds this amusing. I think he may be so bored he's seeking stimulation and has found he can get it this way. He is never remorseful afterwards, only if he loses priviledges as a consequence. He does have one friend at preschool but he's smoothering with him and when this friend extracts himself he gets very angry - and also is aggressive if other children try and join in.
    In his words, he hates everyone apart from his friends and wishes they'd go away. Yesterday he smashed a toy brick into another child's face and kicked him 'because I don't like him'.

    He is very loving with me - but also very jealous. After initially a bumpy road he now adores his younger sister, to the point when he perceives she needs 'rescuing' he'll push/hurt other children to help her.

    He can be so lovely - but so hard to entertain. He never 'plays' with toys, but will do bit of role play now - all very violent, but at least he's doing it.

    He often lies on the floor at preschool (and home) - and says there are too many children - could it be a sensory thing?

    I've tried to seek help many times with his behaviour but we always come to this cross roads about he's not a school yet so can't access that help and I'd have to get a referral and I find myself baulking - and my husband is also very reluctant to do this and doesn't want him 'labelled'. He just says is the rules of the playground.

    However, after finding out yesterday a few parents had contacted his preschool because they were concerned about his behaviour around their children (found out through a 3rd party NOT the preschool) and finally his teacher there said she does have concerns herself about some of his behaviour, I have made an appointment with our Doctor to see if we can access so some.

    I desperately want to help him integrate, have friends, find appropriate ways to vent his meltdowns/frequent anger (over everything - can't get his shoes on, doesn't get his way, didn't go out of the door first). He sees red often and lashes out (he bit me last week but was very contrite afterwards as he could see i was upset).

    How do I teach a child empathy if it seems he hasn't been born with it (I see how different his sister reacts and behaves in situations and she obviously has it).

    I love him beyond words but I feel often I am the only one who understands him / can control him / protect him from himself in lots of situations (eg soft play centres with other children I have to so watchful). It's exhausting!

    What do I do next? I'm worried about how he'll be a school - he'll be labelled the naughty one / the bully and other children and parents will avoid him, or blame me when I'm trying my best but I'm often at a loss as to what to do / how to help him!

    He didn't talk or walk until he was 2 so we got referred to Portage then (not sure if you will know what that is) but he suddenly come on leaps and bounds so we got discharged, but he's continued to always have some kind of issue / difficulty (both myself and childminder struggle to deal with him - and now as I say preschool have said they have worries)

    Thanks for reading.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The only way to avoid "labels" is with "dxes"... which are, of course, also labels. But accurate dxes give you access to knowledge, interventions, accommodations, sometimes medications. If he's going to be labelled anyway... better get him the official labels. JMO.
  3. flook76

    flook76 New Member

    Thanks - I totally agree, I want to be able to access whatever support he needs - knowledge, interventions. I suppose I find the prospect of it all a bit scary but then its better I try and do something now rather than later.
    My husband, and his parents especially will be very hard to convince - they are all very quick to call him 'naughty' and say I don't discipline him enough.
    But I've found he response so much better to encouragement / praise rather than punishement, and it's not that I'm indulging him.
    I've found the 1-2-3 magic approach is working (and I've read the Explosive Child book too) - trying to understand him as much as I can.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm not a doctor, but sounds a lot like Aspergers.

    Depending on how it is handled in your country, I'd try to get an evaluation. Boredom doesn't cause "typical" kids to get violent. I'd check it out.
  5. flook76

    flook76 New Member

    Thanks MidwestMom

    I've got an appointment in 3 weeks to try and get a referral (well I think I'm going to say I must get one). Might all be a long wait on the NHS!
    I do worry about him so much, and I never worry about my daughter in the same why at all - she just seems so textbook (I guess that's why the phrase NT is used?)
    BUT he's joyful in many other ways and does make me laugh a lot - I like the why he sees things differently and he's so rational in everything he does - you could never try and 'trick' him into doing anything.
    I just wish other people could see him the same why I do (or that he'd let them see him that way)
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The rule of thumb here about getting a referral is... don't ask. TELL them you need the referral, and go in with a list of reasons. Maybe even get started on a parent report (it's in site resources somewhere, or find a post by susiestar, she has the link in her sig).