Advice Wanted-Teen Daughter
- Thread starter SearchingForRainbows
- Start date
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Everyone,
I can't thank you enough for all of the support and advice you have given me!!! Until I posted here, I just felt so all alone, so sad - Kind of like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. Since my older kids are both difficult children, I have no prior experience dealing with typical teen behavior. I'm quickly learning!!!
It really helps to hear from you that easy child's behavior is "normal" for her age. Although I know this, hearing it from you makes it sink in more - It makes me more confident that it is a stage she is going through.
I know several of you mentioned that she might be depressed - I appreciate the advice and will keep my eyes open as far as this is concerned. However, she has a stubborn streak in her - always has - and, I am guilty of caving in to her "wants" prior to this year. I guess I always felt guilty because of the chaotic household she was born into. As a result, I know I've been too easy on her in the past. I'm sure at this point, she thinks I'll cave in as far as using the phone is concerned. It is time for me to toughen up and remain STRONG. Hopefully, it won't take her much longer to realize that I mean what I say!!! There will be ABSOLUTELY no phone until her homework is turned in and her teachers let me know it was done satisfactorily. By the way, no phone includes the home phone as well as the cell phone.
I agree with those who think she is too young to have a boyfriend. She is only allowed to see him at school dances and, prior to her not doing her homework, talk to him on the phone. He is a horrible student - doesn't get good grades and doesn't care about school. I think he is a negative influence on easy child. I didn't ban her from speaking to him on the phone in the past because I thought if I did this, it would make her want to be with him even more. Being so young, I'm sure she'll "outgrow" him at some point - Hopefully, by the beginning of the next school year - I've got my fingers crossed!!!
As far as drugs and alcohol are concerned, even though no one on either my side or my husband's side of the family will admit there are problems, I truly believe there are drinking problems in both of our families. As far as other drugs, I honestly don't know. I'm going to keep my eyes open to the possibility of easy child drinking or using drugs. This is very difficult for me as I always thought my daughter has a level head on her shoulders. However, I know I need to watch for any signs of drug and alcohol use. Thanks for making me think about these issues!!!
I am allowing easy child to go to her dance. However, she has to pay for the dress with her own money. I am NOT going to drive her to zillions of stores like I normally would until she finds what she believes is the perfect dress. I told her I would take her to the two stores of her choice. She'll have an hour in each one of them. If she doesn't find anything she likes, she'll either have to wear something she already owns, or she can chose not to go.
I took her to her favorite store on Saturday. I had errands to do in the area so it wasn't really out of my way. I let her know this. She didn't find what she wanted. When we were leaving the store, she complained that all of the shoes were too expensive. I think she was looking for me to cave in and buy her a pair. I just said, "Oh well, I guess you'll have to find less expensive ones or wear a pair you already own." She wasn't happy!!! Too Bad!!!
I know some of you believe I need to be tougher than this. At the moment, I don't want to come down on her harder than I already am. She does know (or hopefully she'll realize soon) that she has "to do to get." (I LOVE this saying!!! Thanks all of you for reminding me of this - and thanks FRAN for coming up with this saying.) She knows I won't go out of my way to do special favors for her. I know - I'm being hypocritical. However, I know how hard it is to be a young teen - She has been looking forward to this dance for months - I just don't have the heart to take it away from her. The only thing extra I'm doing for her is allowing her to buy a dress, shoes, etc. with her own money if she can find what she wants within a short period of time. I guess I'm sort of compromising on this issue. I guess I just can't help my feeling sad because of all of the difficulties she has growing up with major difficult children brothers.
I know I have to carefully think about consequences for her inappropriate behaviors before mentioning them to her. If I get too angry, I have to let her know that I need to talk to her, but will do so at a later time, after I've had a chance to cool down, and rationally think about her actions. I know, from dealing with difficult children, that once I give her a consequence, I have to stick to it. This is going to be tough but I HAVE to do this!!! I'm hoping that lots of natural consequences will occur - I honestly feel natural consequences are the best teachers!!!
And, I am going to continue to try to do things for me. I know I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to survive her teen years. I'm trying to learn to take care of myself without a lot of exercise because of achilles tendonitis. This has been very difficult for me (another post entirely!!!), but I'm learning... Life is tough - I need to be tougher!!! Now, I just have to be able to follow my own advice, lol!!!
I want to thank each and every one of you again for all of your heartfelt responses. The people on this board are the best!!! WFEN
I can't thank you enough for all of the support and advice you have given me!!! Until I posted here, I just felt so all alone, so sad - Kind of like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. Since my older kids are both difficult children, I have no prior experience dealing with typical teen behavior. I'm quickly learning!!!
It really helps to hear from you that easy child's behavior is "normal" for her age. Although I know this, hearing it from you makes it sink in more - It makes me more confident that it is a stage she is going through.
I know several of you mentioned that she might be depressed - I appreciate the advice and will keep my eyes open as far as this is concerned. However, she has a stubborn streak in her - always has - and, I am guilty of caving in to her "wants" prior to this year. I guess I always felt guilty because of the chaotic household she was born into. As a result, I know I've been too easy on her in the past. I'm sure at this point, she thinks I'll cave in as far as using the phone is concerned. It is time for me to toughen up and remain STRONG. Hopefully, it won't take her much longer to realize that I mean what I say!!! There will be ABSOLUTELY no phone until her homework is turned in and her teachers let me know it was done satisfactorily. By the way, no phone includes the home phone as well as the cell phone.
I agree with those who think she is too young to have a boyfriend. She is only allowed to see him at school dances and, prior to her not doing her homework, talk to him on the phone. He is a horrible student - doesn't get good grades and doesn't care about school. I think he is a negative influence on easy child. I didn't ban her from speaking to him on the phone in the past because I thought if I did this, it would make her want to be with him even more. Being so young, I'm sure she'll "outgrow" him at some point - Hopefully, by the beginning of the next school year - I've got my fingers crossed!!!
As far as drugs and alcohol are concerned, even though no one on either my side or my husband's side of the family will admit there are problems, I truly believe there are drinking problems in both of our families. As far as other drugs, I honestly don't know. I'm going to keep my eyes open to the possibility of easy child drinking or using drugs. This is very difficult for me as I always thought my daughter has a level head on her shoulders. However, I know I need to watch for any signs of drug and alcohol use. Thanks for making me think about these issues!!!
I am allowing easy child to go to her dance. However, she has to pay for the dress with her own money. I am NOT going to drive her to zillions of stores like I normally would until she finds what she believes is the perfect dress. I told her I would take her to the two stores of her choice. She'll have an hour in each one of them. If she doesn't find anything she likes, she'll either have to wear something she already owns, or she can chose not to go.
I took her to her favorite store on Saturday. I had errands to do in the area so it wasn't really out of my way. I let her know this. She didn't find what she wanted. When we were leaving the store, she complained that all of the shoes were too expensive. I think she was looking for me to cave in and buy her a pair. I just said, "Oh well, I guess you'll have to find less expensive ones or wear a pair you already own." She wasn't happy!!! Too Bad!!!
I know some of you believe I need to be tougher than this. At the moment, I don't want to come down on her harder than I already am. She does know (or hopefully she'll realize soon) that she has "to do to get." (I LOVE this saying!!! Thanks all of you for reminding me of this - and thanks FRAN for coming up with this saying.) She knows I won't go out of my way to do special favors for her. I know - I'm being hypocritical. However, I know how hard it is to be a young teen - She has been looking forward to this dance for months - I just don't have the heart to take it away from her. The only thing extra I'm doing for her is allowing her to buy a dress, shoes, etc. with her own money if she can find what she wants within a short period of time. I guess I'm sort of compromising on this issue. I guess I just can't help my feeling sad because of all of the difficulties she has growing up with major difficult children brothers.
I know I have to carefully think about consequences for her inappropriate behaviors before mentioning them to her. If I get too angry, I have to let her know that I need to talk to her, but will do so at a later time, after I've had a chance to cool down, and rationally think about her actions. I know, from dealing with difficult children, that once I give her a consequence, I have to stick to it. This is going to be tough but I HAVE to do this!!! I'm hoping that lots of natural consequences will occur - I honestly feel natural consequences are the best teachers!!!
And, I am going to continue to try to do things for me. I know I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to survive her teen years. I'm trying to learn to take care of myself without a lot of exercise because of achilles tendonitis. This has been very difficult for me (another post entirely!!!), but I'm learning... Life is tough - I need to be tougher!!! Now, I just have to be able to follow my own advice, lol!!!
I want to thank each and every one of you again for all of your heartfelt responses. The people on this board are the best!!! WFEN
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Terry,
Thanks for thinking of me and my easy child this morning!!! Yes, easy child is in school!!! I'm looking forward to a bit of peace before I have to pick up the difficult children and before easy child gets home. However, I do have to work, etc... And, I have some running around to do this afternoon after school. As usual, never a dull moment!!!
I hope things are going well for you. I'm way behind in reading posts!!! WFEN
Thanks for thinking of me and my easy child this morning!!! Yes, easy child is in school!!! I'm looking forward to a bit of peace before I have to pick up the difficult children and before easy child gets home. However, I do have to work, etc... And, I have some running around to do this afternoon after school. As usual, never a dull moment!!!
I hope things are going well for you. I'm way behind in reading posts!!! WFEN
