Affordable Boys Home/Ranch?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by CoolDrew, May 5, 2013.

  1. CoolDrew

    CoolDrew New Member

    Hi all. I'm new here. I'm at the end of my rope and do not know where else to go for help.
    Here is my situation.

    My girlfriend and her 3 children (5,10 & 13) moved in with me a few months ago. I have 2 children of my own (13 and 15). My girlfriend's 13 year old boy has always has anger issues and gotten into trouble. He has been worse lately. He will not listen to his Mom when told to do something. He has put holes in my walls. He is constantly physically abusing his younger brother (the 10 year old). I have wireless cameras thoughout the house in the living areas. I just watched him punch his brother in the back at full force.

    He ran away 2 weeks ago, and was gone for 24 hours before getting caught shoplifting. The store would not press charges because he is a minor, so my girlfriend had to go pick him up and bring him home. She has been dealing with this for years and she has cracked. She is frustrated and lost and has no more patience to give. He got mad an put a small dent in her car, so we called the cops and had him arrested, which means they fingerprint him and bring him right back to us an hour later. The 24 hours he was gone was the calmest time we have had in our home ever.

    I feel horrible for thinking or saying this, but we want him to run away and stay away. It is his mission to destroy the lives of everyone around him, and we have the other kids to take care of, not to mention our own sanity. He won't run away, because he realized he can't make it on his own, and he quickly got hungry. We love him, but I don't think there is anything else we can do for the boy. There is a good kid in there sometimes, but for the most part, he is just an evil little brat. I share my 2 kids with their Mom, and custody battles are always looming, so I cannot have this brat around my kids because I could lose my kids over this.

    My girlfriend will be paying off medical bills for some hospital/treatment facility stays that did nothing, as well as phycologists/pshycatrists that have had zero effect. We looked into military schools and boys ranch options, but the cost is insane, and not covered by my girlfriend's insurance. We simply cannot afford the cost it would take to save him.

    Has anybody else been through this and found a solution? I am in a corner. My only solution is to kick the girlfriend out and take her kids with her, but that is not a good solution, because she needs my help, and I am not okay with allowing a 13 year old brat to dictate the relationship between my girlfrind and I. There has to be a solution that I have not thought of.

    Thank you for your advice.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My recommendation would be for you to have girlfriend move out with her kids. It is not worth risking your own relationship with your kids or your ex to keep them there.

    You do not have to break up. Be there for her as much as you can. Just keep your life safe from the risk of losing your own children.

    Her son needs help fast. You say she owes money from a treatment facility....what was the discharge plan and has it been followed? What about the treatment was helpful or not helpful?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree. You should move out or have her do it. Not only is he a risk to your kids, but I doubt very much that SHE wants him to run away forever. That isn't how mothers feel about thirteen year old kids, even if they are out of control. My guess is that is YOUR desire and he is probably very mentally ill and needs help. I wouldn't call him a brat unless I knew that there was nothing wrong with him. If he has been moved around a lot and your girlfriend has had a lot of boyfriends and this kid has been treated like a ping pong ball he could have attachment disorder, which is caused by the parent who isn't keeping him in a stable environment. You do not have a good attitude about him, and I understand, believe me, but in my opinion then you two should not be together as he is a perm. part of her life.

    It sounds like your custody issues are still a battle...maybe both of you need to rethink if this is a good dynamic for a serious relationship. Sounds like there are still a lot of problems going on on both sides. Maybe someday...but this child will be with her for many, many years and your custody battle will be ongoing (my son is involved in one). I think you need to put your own kids first. Somebody "needing" somebody else is NOT a good dynamic for a healthy relationship. You can not be her White Knight at such a high cost.
  4. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Has he been diagnosed with anything? How does he do in school?
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand calling him a brat so dont feel bad about that. I called mine a brat forever and looking back Im not entirely sure that wasnt his entire diagnosis. Extreme teenage psychotic brattiness.

    You do have a tough row to hoe though. You cant do anything since you are simply the boyfriend. Your girlfriend needs to figure something out. Has she considered calling Boystown? You can look it up online. I cant remember the exact number.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    What does your girlfriend want for him? Does she want him to be sent to a treatment facility, or does she want him to stay home and find a psychiatrist and therapist that can truly help, not just him, but everyone around him? Whe he went to the treatment facility why did they say? What was the diagnosis ands treatment plan? What is his behavior like at school?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Her oldest, who happens to be a difficult child to begin with, suddenly is forced to become part of a blended family - AND loses his "top pup" status in the process, because he's gone from "oldest" to "somewhere in the middle". And you think this is HIS fault?

    difficult child kids don't handle transitions well to begin with. Blended-family transitions involving older kids are extremely major transitions. Everybody in this equation is going through major transition - and that leaves LESS resources to properly deal with difficult child.

    Step back. Look at the situation from EACH of the children's eyes. What does it take to provide EACH child with what THEY need? Because in my opinion, the kids come first. ALL of them.
  8. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    It probably isn't, though. It is more likely his mission to be loved and understood and he is unable to go about that in a way that will succeed. Is there more to the story? Why is he so angry and difficult? Has he had some kind of formal diagnosis?

    Unfortunately these difficult kids require special handling and treatment and doubtless don't do so well as part of a tribe. It's just the way it is. He's not more important than the other children, but he clearly has special needs.

    What does your girlfriend think?
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, CoolDrew. Yes, we've ALL been through what you have! I agree with-the others. So sorry.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    been there done that, although via marriage. When there is a child with problems that have not been solved prior to "blending" the chances of a solution are pretty darn remote once in the midst of a pseudo Brady Bunch gang. Teenage boys are not open to a man playing house with their Mom. In fact most teenage boys fondest wish is to remain Mom's "favorite" for life. in my humble opinion your and your girlfriend jumped too fast into the living together option and as much as I ccompletely know and understand what it is to have a difficult child plus siblings, mental health issues invading your daily life and the financial strain of trying to parent alone...sigh...I think she needs to "man up" and seek solutions for her bio family before trying to supplement yours. There are no "quick" solutions. Time will tell if you actually love her and her kids or if you are lonely...same will be true from her side. If it is a good match a few years won't turn it into a bad one. Good luck. DDD
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    The way you feel about this boy came through loud and clear in a single written post. In person - this boy is acutely aware of how you feel about him. It's not helping. It's very likely making it worse. If this were my child and anyone was talking this way about him or feeling this kind of animosity, I'd be gone in a second.

    That's my advice.
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I agree a thousand percent. I felt it, too, and if I can feel it in a post just imagine what that boy feels in his home every day. Take it from me - do that woman and that boy a favor and either be determined to help him or remove yourself from his life. My husband was a mule most of difficult child's life growing up because husband has a temper and was frustrated by her behavior all of the time. He didn't know another way to react. But we were married and had a child together - wasn't that easy to just get up and walk away. But husband and I got into a LOT of arguments because he couldn't control his temper and neither could difficult child. I felt like I should be walking around with a referee outfit on. It was not fun for any of us. I was frustrated, too, don't get me wrong. But my love always shone through the anger...
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I could be wrong, but I think OP wanted us to agree that the kid was a brat and should leave so that he can carry on his love affair with this woman without the child in the way. I don't believe he is coming back because we didn't agree that this child was just a brat.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good catch, MWM. :) I hadn't picked up on that last part. Mostly what I see and feel from that post is anger.
    If CoolDrew calms down, maybe he'll be back.
    I feel for the entire family, but mostly, worry about the difficult child. At 13, he is angry, but he is also very vulnerable. He is in no way ready for the Real World.