2 days ago my difficult child 1, age 28, called from the psychiatric hospital where he has been incarcerated since being unfit to stand trial. I can't tell you the panic I felt when I saw the call was from the hospital. I thought for sure that something had happened to him because he stated in no uncertain terms that he wanted nothing to do with me or my "batsh** crazy" family. He was loving, contrite, said he had been nervous to call and was glad his call was well received. He still sounded stiff. He said he hasn't had a real conversation with anyone he knew for so long that his conversation is stilted. It also gets very stilted when he is manic. He gets 15 minutes on the phone a couple of times per day and has called a total of 4 times. Today, at his invitation I went for a visit. He didn't want to see his dad yet, but my husband drove me down and waited for the 2 hours. During the visit it was apparent to me that his mood was not stable. He says he is on medication and it was mandated by a court about a month ago. It has taken this long for him to feel a little better. This tells me that he did not take the medicine of his own free will. He is now fit to stand trial for an assault (see my other posts for details). I spoke with his social worker and he said that he was going to release him to a shelter where he could get his bearings and have a place to eat, sleep, use computers for job search, etc. Today, my difficult child 1 said he had no intention of going to the shelter and was going to get his link card and just camp out much like he did last summer before his arrest. The facility he's in just wants to cycle people through as quickly as possible. His mood was labile. In one moment he was saying what good parents we were and the next he was taking me to task for riding him for his grades and saying I wouldn't bail him out if he got arrested. I told him that no parent EVER told their kid, don't worry...if you get arrested, I'll bail you out. He is also delusional and feels he is being punished for committing suicide in a past life. Anyway, I feel this is one part his reaching out and 2 parts realization that he may need the resources my husband and I can offer. I told him he cannot live here. He wanted to know if I will drive him to interviews and help with "logistics" whatever that is. I told him that he needed to build a foundation, getting established with doctors, seeking a job near public transit, stable housing etc. I said I don't know what to offer given that at this point he doesn't know what his needs are. It seems many will be provided by the state. I will recommend that he apply for SSI. He has over $100,000 in school loans and even if he gets better as the medications have a cumulative effect, I can see he might be easily overwhelmed by taking care of himself and the obligations he has. I walked out in tears and have been exhausted for the rest of the day. I did tell him that the one thing my husband and I would be willing to do is pay out of pocket for any specialists, therapists and prescriptions he needs. Where we live the Medicaid system gives you a 5 minute appointment. with a psychiatrist once every 6 weeks. He said doesn't want to go that route. He has a degree in psychology. He thinks he can heal himself through meditation and by healing the wounds from his past life. He doesn't want to see doctors. God help me. I know this sounds disjointed, but my mind is jumping from one thing to another. I was hopeful. I prayed that if he could just call and I could hear him say "Hi Mom" in his sweet voice it would be enough. It's not. I'm so sorry that it's not. Where do we draw the line as far as help? Last year at this time I was having a true emotional breakdown. Our marriage was in jeopardy. We aren't flush. Between difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 we are out several thousand doctors. And the result? difficult child 1 is still unwell and difficult child 2 is still drinking. Special needs Grandson will continue to get all his clothes, toys and other things as we see fit. I am starting Al-anon and going to NAMI support meetings. Not quite how we envisioned our golden years. The good news is that it's just me and husband at home. Keeping our home as our sanctuary is our iron clad pact to each other and it helps. What a ramble! Thanks for listening.