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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 721128" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>you have an absolute right to express a point of view. you are all in with this. you are her mate and the child's parent by virtue of the responsibility you have shouldered with her, the children and the family. the question here is: how is it that you come to feel you are denied this?</p><p></p><p>i am negotiating a similar situation relationship-wise. in terms of my feelings. i cannot figure out if it is an issue of voice and/or an issue of self-abandonment. and the way i have mentally constructed the situation it is m's fault. is it only about him? </p><p></p><p>m can be either the kindest person, most generous and ethical and commited--or critical, defensive and even volatile.</p><p></p><p>i can be selfish and self-centered and overwhelmed by my feelings about my son, and other losses. when m lashes out i feel powerless and voiceless. i am none of these things. all i want to do is retreat.</p><p></p><p>everybody knows this is not a goal to strive for. voiceless. </p><p></p><p>do i leave to find my voice and my center?or stay and take a stand? is the stand i take inside me or is it for me in relation to him or both? is it about more support, from more people, too? is it about compassion for myself? for him? for everybody? i don't know.</p><p></p><p>i heard today one of my very favorite leonard cohen songs. anthem. paraphrased: let go of the need to be a perfect self. (he calls it "your perfect offering." everybody is broken. "the cracks are where the light gets in." </p><p></p><p>by light he means both divinity and healing too. we are almost all of us badly broken. that's where the light (and love) gets in. when i am not in agony, i can remember.</p><p></p><p>how do i negotiate all of this with another person who feels equally damaged?</p><p></p><p>some of us do not learn how to do this in the maternal dyad or family. we learn in relationship.</p><p></p><p>my point in writing this is to say: this is hard and complicated. and imperfect and messy. </p><p></p><p>the last thing i am saying is that you should stay or leave. what i am saying is: sometimes relationships are not born whole. they are forged out of times like these. </p><p></p><p>but of course. people leave. after the fact it is often obvious that the relationship had ended before the leaving.</p><p></p><p>domebody once told me that the severe illness of a child is the single greatest stressor in a relationship. because so much "primary process" stuff emerges. ugliness that all of us have in us. these couples leave their spouse in order to leave behind what has emerged in them. the ugliness and horror at it. imagine what it is when a child almost suicides? you don't have to imagine. you are living it.</p><p></p><p>i think your wife is projecting her own self-accusations onto you. who does she really blame? herself.</p><p></p><p>culture. you are a wonderful person.</p><p></p><p>it is never okay to hit. it is my understanding that she did not. nor should anybody hang around until it does happen. </p><p></p><p> of course you deserve acknowledgement, support,safety. we all do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 721128, member: 18958"] you have an absolute right to express a point of view. you are all in with this. you are her mate and the child's parent by virtue of the responsibility you have shouldered with her, the children and the family. the question here is: how is it that you come to feel you are denied this? i am negotiating a similar situation relationship-wise. in terms of my feelings. i cannot figure out if it is an issue of voice and/or an issue of self-abandonment. and the way i have mentally constructed the situation it is m's fault. is it only about him? m can be either the kindest person, most generous and ethical and commited--or critical, defensive and even volatile. i can be selfish and self-centered and overwhelmed by my feelings about my son, and other losses. when m lashes out i feel powerless and voiceless. i am none of these things. all i want to do is retreat. everybody knows this is not a goal to strive for. voiceless. do i leave to find my voice and my center?or stay and take a stand? is the stand i take inside me or is it for me in relation to him or both? is it about more support, from more people, too? is it about compassion for myself? for him? for everybody? i don't know. i heard today one of my very favorite leonard cohen songs. anthem. paraphrased: let go of the need to be a perfect self. (he calls it "your perfect offering." everybody is broken. "the cracks are where the light gets in." by light he means both divinity and healing too. we are almost all of us badly broken. that's where the light (and love) gets in. when i am not in agony, i can remember. how do i negotiate all of this with another person who feels equally damaged? some of us do not learn how to do this in the maternal dyad or family. we learn in relationship. my point in writing this is to say: this is hard and complicated. and imperfect and messy. the last thing i am saying is that you should stay or leave. what i am saying is: sometimes relationships are not born whole. they are forged out of times like these. but of course. people leave. after the fact it is often obvious that the relationship had ended before the leaving. domebody once told me that the severe illness of a child is the single greatest stressor in a relationship. because so much "primary process" stuff emerges. ugliness that all of us have in us. these couples leave their spouse in order to leave behind what has emerged in them. the ugliness and horror at it. imagine what it is when a child almost suicides? you don't have to imagine. you are living it. i think your wife is projecting her own self-accusations onto you. who does she really blame? herself. culture. you are a wonderful person. it is never okay to hit. it is my understanding that she did not. nor should anybody hang around until it does happen. of course you deserve acknowledgement, support,safety. we all do. [/QUOTE]
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