frustrated with husband and difficult child!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    We went out to the shops because difficult child wanted to spend his Christmass money.....
    Even before we went hubby had a misrable attitude because he thought difficult child must rather save his money....The whole time husband was so misrable because he ANTISSIPATED difficult child to become difficult....yes difficult child got mentally stuck now and then because he couldnt find what he wanted.....but nothing I couldnt gently talk him out of!
    But ghg picked up on my hubbies attitude that CAUSED him to start acting out!!!! I just HATE it when husband expect the worse! Its like a self fulfilling profecy! So at the restaurant difficult child was burping now and again starting to TRY and annoy his husband got more and more stressed because of "what will the people think"! So he starts giving difficult child this disapproving looks....making difficult child feel all "bad" about he starts telling his dad not to look at him, he is irritating him, he doesnt like him....exct....
    Aghhh this is SO stressfull.....why cant everybody just by into my explenations.....hubby feels difficult child must learn to try and handle situations!!!!! This is so stresfull! I want to screem! psychiatrist feels I must bud out and leave hubby to LEARN to deal with difficult child himself, but I feel if I leave them its damaging their relationship!
    This all said hubby spends the most time and attention with difficult child! They really actually care so much for each other!!!!
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear.
    I would try a "do-over" for that one. Just take difficult child by yourself. No hubby.
    I totally agree, that when someone has that negative attitude, their behavior reflects it, and rubs off on our g'sfg.
    Can you take your husband aside when he's calm, and talk to him about it? It's going to be hard to not say
    "You were a jerk" and you will have to think carefully b4 you speak, to say things like, "A calm, nonjudgmental attitude, almost like a robot, works best with-difficult child."
  3. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx....I did have a chat with him now.....he did say ok, I hear you, I get it.....but I just know!!!!!
    Its true what you say...the robot low tone does help alot!
    But what hubby dont do is he uses short, sticato kind of very strict answers like: " are not getting that now....or you can cry if you want, I wont give in (when there is no tears in sight)!!!!!!
    I told him he needs to explain more why...its works usually!!!! But hubby isnt the social talkative type!!!! But he do care alot and really stretches backwards to accomodate difficult child....its just the social interaction thats so off track!!!!!!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hub is doing exactly the opposite of what you should do with a spectrum kid. As for the burping, that could be a stimulant, not meant to annoy anybody.

    I think, if it were me, I'd skip bringing hub with when I went out with son. He doesn't need that and neither do you. Hub needs to learn to accept that his son is different or he will cause more chaos than there already is...and it will be HIS fault!
  5. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Yes.....husband always say he is the one that has ALREADY excepted the diagnosis.....but sometimes I dont think so!!!!!
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There's a diff between "accepting" and "understanding". Sometimes... one party will actually let go of their prior dreams etc., easier than actually putting in the effort to really understand where the kid is coming from, what works, what doesn't, etc. Its two separate things that are needed... accepting? good. Now on to... understanding!
  7. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    You see the thing me and hubby disagrees on is: He feels my son must learn to cope with things as good as he is possible to, despite his diagnosis......I feel my son cant always live up to it....hubby then thinks I am overprotective and "making excuses" for bad behaviour....husband says he knows son has limitations, but this doesnt give him any excuse for being very rude, like swearing at him, public......
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't see it that way in what you've posted. You both want him to learn to deal with this stuff, to be as good as he can get... that is the GOAL. And I think you both want that GOAL. The difference is... HOW to get there. Might help to explain to husband that you have the same GOAL, but that his approach seems to be working against the goal, and there are other things to try... might have to do some research first to have answers before you broach the subject.